Why do scuba divers fall backwards into the water?
Because if they fell forward they would still be in the boat
How do you make a pheromone?
Tell him to let your people go.
Wandering around during meetings in homeoffice when you have nothing to contribute like
https://ift.tt/2UdXfi7
It’s weird how nobody knew who the Iranian general Soleimani was a few days ago…
It's like he blew up overnight.
A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops.
On my desk, I have a work station.
A limbo champion walks into a bar.
He is disqualified.
A Priest, an Imam, and a Rabbit walk into a bar.
The bartender says, "I think there's a typo hare".
Why didn’t the redneck leave the yoga class when it was over?
On his way out he said "see you next week". The instructor responded "namaste" , and the redneck said "Oh. Then I'm-a-stayin too".
I went trick or treating as Gandhi and kept all of my candy in a hat
And when someone tried to take the candy from my hat i told them "My hat my candy"
If we make it past 2020, I’ll be dreading 2022.
After all, 2022 is 2020, too!
Why didnt 4 ask out 5?
Because he was 2²
A college economics professor was up for tenure…
At the review, his dean was berating the veteran prof for having used the same final exam for the past 20 years. "Don't you realize, professor, that the students have been sharing these tests for decades and that they all know EXACTLY what questions are on the test before they sit for it?" "That doesn't matter," replied the professor, "It's Economics, every year I just keep changing the ANSWERS."
I just found out cock fighting is done with chickens.
Months of training wasted.
My blind friend made me a nice greeting card in Braille.
It was touching.
When I was young, my dad used to tear up the last page of all my comic books and never told me why.
I had to draw my own conclusions.
How does a chicken pay its bills?
In quarters.
A coworker told me a joke about Oedipus and King Midas today.
It was motherfucking gold.
I would stay away from the Soviet Union
There's a lot of red flags you need to watch out for.
You’d think the sneeze glitch would’ve been patched by now
You’d think the sneeze glitch would’ve been patched by now
I’d make a Sodium joke but……Na
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I thought I won the argument with my wife as to how to arrange the dining room furniture…
But when I got home, the tables were turned…
Over the weekend I took my wife to the theatre to see a performance that was all about puns.
It was a play on words.
What has two butts and kills people?
an assassin
My 7 year old’s first comeback line
My son has asd and though he loves to read jokes and tries to understand why they are funny, introducing wit to him has been difficult. It was more of a surprise than a joke but here goes. We recently moved to India and my wife is missing outdoors and Europe and today she said – oh I really want to go to Disneyland! To which my son said- and I really want a twister! ( Ice lolly). My wife looked at him doting on his innocence and said- Baby your dreams are so simple and innocent! To which my son replied- yeah and yours probably won't come true!
What do you call an army of babies?
Infantry
A father decides to buy a lie detecting robot that slaps people when they lie.
He decides to test the robot at dinner one night. He asks his son what he did that afternoon. The boy said "I did my homework." The robot slaps him. "Okay, okay! I watched a movie at my friend's house" said the boy. "What movie did you watch?" asked the father. The boy said "Toy Story." The Robot slapped him. "Okay, okay! We watched porn!" said the boy. "What?! When I was your age, I didn't even know what porn was!" said the father. The robot slapped him. The mother laughed "Well, he certainly is your son!" The robot slapped her.