Why do scuba divers fall off the boat backwards?
If they fell off forwards, they’d just land in the boat.
How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.
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I am reading a book called “The History of Lubricants.”
It’s non-friction.
Rare photo of Melania Trump genuinely smiling. Taken at the roast of Donald Trump.
https://ift.tt/2XXbsk2
What do you call a knight with no foreskin?
Sir-cumcised
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.
"Hurry!" she said, "stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue." "What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room. "Oh, it's just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too." No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep. Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk. "Here," he said to the 'statue', "eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths' for three days and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water."
Why did the Mexican take a Xanax?
For Hispanic Attack!
My girlfriend makes me want to become a better person.
Mostly so I can get a better girlfriend.
Why are kleptomaniacs the best baseball players?
They steal all of the bases.
My girlfriend was crying because she got a bad haircut
I said, "why are you crying? I'm the one that has to find a new girlfriend"
A new twist on an old joke.
Scientists recently did a study on the effects the right side and left side of a brain had on counting. They first took out the left half of a man's brain and asked him to count to 10. He says, "2, 4, 6, 8, 10". They put the left half back in and removed the right half, asking him to count to 10 again. He says "1, 3, 5, 7, 9". Finally they decided to just go for it and removed the whole brain. They again asked him to count to 10 one more time. He says, "Look. I'm great at counting to 10, ok? I love numbers and I have the best numbers. No one has better numbers than I do. My 4th grade math teacher – and let me tell you, she was the best and smartest math teacher in the country at the time – my 4th grade math teacher said to me that I am the best counter she's ever seen. The best. So if you want me to count to 10, let me tell you I can count to 10 alright. That's no problem. I will do it. I will. And I will do it better than any has ever done it before, ok?"
Welcome to plastic surgery addicts anonymous.
I see a few new faces here this week and I must say I am very disappointed.
I was about to play cards after a long day’s work, but I found the aces missing.
I just can’t deal with this any more.
I was having anal sex..
I was having anal sex with my girlfriend. Her father suddenly slammed the door open and started screaming at her. "Dad, I'm sorry!", she said. The father turned to me and, from the top of his lungs, he started screaming: "Are you fucking sorry?"
Wasn’t sure if I should post this, since it’s only funny under certain circumstances.
certain circumstances. only funny
Technically, national anthems are just country music.
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A new study has found that white envelopes tend to be delivered faster than envelopes of any other colour
I guess you could say that there's… white mail privilege
If money doesn’t grow on tree’s….
Then why do banks have so many branches?
Did you hear about the communist sniper?
He was an incredible marxman
Putting air in your tires used to be free now its costs a dollar…
Its called inflation.
My wife was abducted by a gang of mimes.
They did unspeakable things to her.
What’s brown and sits on a piano stool?
Beethoven's final movement
Dear posters of r/Jokes, could you try to be a bit more original?
My friends are really tired of hearing the same jokes over and over again.
Did you hear about the guy who’s left side was cut off?
Now normally I would say he’s all right. But actually he’s dead.
How can you tell when a vampire’s sick ?
Because of the coffin.
I used to hate facial hair
But then it grew on me
A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, ‘I almost had an affair with another woman.’
The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?' The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.' The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put £50 in the poor box.' The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave. The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!' The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the £50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'
Hear about the new restaurant called Karma?
There’s no menu: You get what you deserve.
As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field.
But hay, it’s in my jeans.
What’s the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral?
One less drinker
I bought some toothpaste.
It's not your typical food sauce
My friend was found guilty of using too many commas.
The judge warned him to expect a really long sentence.
A Mexican Magician tells audience he will disappear on the count of 3. He says uno, dos….*poof*
He disappeared without a tres
A couple lived near the ocean and used to walk the beach a lot. One summer they noticed a girl who was at the beach pretty much every day.
She wasn’t unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing. She would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around, then speak to them. Generally, the people would respond negatively and she would wander off, but occasionally someone would nod and there would be a quick exchange of money for something she carried in her bag. The couple assumed she was selling drugs and debated calling the cops, but since they didn’t know for sure they just continued to watch her. After a couple of weeks the wife asked, “Honey, have you ever noticed that she only goes up to people with boom boxes and other electronic devices?” He hadn’t and said so. Then she said, “Tomorrow I want you to get a towel and our big radio and go lie out on the beach. Then we can find out what she’s really doing.” Well, the plan went off without a hitch, and the wife was almost hopping up and down with anticipation when she saw the girl talk to her husband and then leave. The man walked up the beach and met his wife at the road. “Well, is she selling drugs?” she asked excitedly.” “No, she’s not.” he said, enjoying this probably more than he should have. “Well, what is it, then?” his wife fairly shrieked. The man grinned and said. “Her name is Sally and she’s selling batteries.” “Batteries?” cried the wife. “Yes,” he replied. “She sells C cells by the Seashore.”
The FBI isn’t allowed to yell “Get down!” anymore when the president is being attacked.
They now yell "Donald, duck!"
I didn’t vaccinate my five kids
and both of them turned out fine.
Today i saw a dwarf prisoner climbing down the wall
i thought to myself, that's a little condescending.
My mate broke his leg so I went to see him at home.
“How are you mate?” “Yeah, I’m okay. But do me a favor mate. Go fetch my slippers from upstairs. My feet are freezing.” I went upstairs and found his two gorgeous 21-year-old twin daughters lying naked on the bed. I said “Your dad’s sent me up here to have sex with both of you. They respond “Get away with ya… Prove it.” I shouted downstairs “Hey, mate! Both of them?” He shouted back “Of course both of them! What’s the point in fucking one?”