Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay they’d be bagels.
My local church recently held a masquerade themed dinner and whilst the priest was saying grace I suddenly realised…
It was a blessing in disguise.
For Sale: Slightly Used Chewing Gum
Near Mint Condition!!!
A Kung Fu student asks his teacher, “Master, why does my ability not improve? I’m always defeated.” And the master, pensive and forever patient, answers…
"My dear pupil, have you seen the gulls flying by the setting sun and their wings seeming like flames?" "Yes, my master, I have." "And a waterfall, spilling mightly over the stones without taking anything out of its proper place?" "Yes, my master, I have witnessed it." "And the moon, when it touches the calm water to reflect all its enormous beauty?" "Yes, my master, I have also seen this marvelous phenomenon." "That is the problem. You keep watching all this stuff instead of training."
I stopped being breastfed at 3
But enough about my day, how was yours?
Life is like a toilet paper
One minute you’re on a roll And the next minute, you’re taking shit from some asshole
Geology rocks, but Geography is where it’s at.
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When I was a little boy, a strange man stepped out of a time machine and punched me for no reason.
Now at last I've managed to invent a time machine of my own, so I'm going to go back to when he was a little boy so I can punch him and see how he likes it!
What did Adam say to Eve the night before Christmas?
It’s Christmas Eve. (I’ll let myself out…)
A teenager is trying to decide where to go to college.
He's stuck at a crossroads between three schools – Harvard, Hampden-Sydney, and Alabama. To try and get some guidance, he asks his father, "Well, what are my chances of getting laid at Harvard?" "Oh, not good at all," his father says. "They're too focused on studying and working to have any fun at all." "What about Hampden-Sydney?" "Well, it's an all guys school, so unless you're into that, I wouldn't be too confident." "Well, Alabama has to have something, right?" "Alabama!" the father says with a chuckle. "Well, at Alabama, I'd say your chances of getting laid are pretty relative!"
Why are fish the easiest animals to weigh?
Because they come with their own scales.
I haven’t had sex since 1956
A woman asked an Army General when the last time he had made love to a woman. The general replied "1956, ma'am." The woman, in disbelief said "1956?! That long? Come with me and let me make your night better." The woman and general went back to her apartment and made passionate love for over an hour. Afterwards, the woman cuddled up to the general and said "Well, you sure haven't forgotten anything since 1956…" The general looked at her, confused, and replied "I sure hope not, it's only 2130 now."
I am absolutely exhausted from my French self-defense class.
I've never run so far in my life.
For a second, I couldn’t decide what underwear to buy.
It was a moment of brief indecision.
What does a robot do at the end of a one-night stand?
He nuts and bolts!
Never fight a dinosaur,
You'll just get jurass-kicked.
A man enters a pun contest
He sent in ten puns, hoping at least one would win, but sadly, no pun in ten did.
Trump goes to Russia to have dinner with Putin…
After dinner they’re hanging around the palace smoking cigars when Putin says “watch this”. He rings a little bell and this beautiful Russian girl walks in, gets on her knees in front of him, and starts sucking his dick. After a few moments Putin smacks her on the back of the head and yells “stop!”, and without a word she gets up and walks out of the room. Putin turns to Trump and says “you wanna try?” “Sure” Trump says, “but don’t smack me on the back of the head please, that looks like it hurts”.
What do you call a death match between E.T. and a nerd with no social life?
Alien versus Redditor.
What do you call a fictional country?
Imagine-nation
Television for sale
On my way to work I saw an advert in a shop window that said: “Television for sale, $1, volume stuck on full.” – I thought to myself, ‘I can’t turn that down.'
My wife recommended I do some light reading to relax at the end of the day
Not really relaxing, as my eyes are in pain, but I managed to make out, "60 Watts – Made in China."
A cop pulls over an old lady for speeding on a highway. He asks for her driver’s license and registration.
When she opens her wallet, he notices a conceal-carry permit. He asks, “Ma’am, do you have a weapon in your possession at this time?” She responds "I'll bet you $100 you can't guess the answer to that question" as she slaps a crisp bill on her dashboard. The cop rubs his chin and thinks for a moment and then says " OK lady, I'll take that bet." He guesses that she has a .38 Special in her purse. And a .45 in her glove box. And a 9mm Glock in the center console. And a shotgun in the trunk. “However did you guess that young man?" The old lady says grasping her pearls. "You see ma'am," the cop said snatching up the hundred-dollar bill, "This is Reddit. After I read about you on the third repost, I knew I'd find you soon enough."
People who rob jewelry stores and banks are pretty bad
But people who rob bakeries really take the cake.
I hate Russian dolls,
they're so full of themselves.
It’s only kamikaze if it came from the Kamikaze region in Japan…
Otherwise it's just plane suicide.
Just found out I’m allergic to plantains today.
I'm okay but I went into bananaphylactic shock.
At a funeral, a little old man goes up to the grieving widow.
"May I say a word?" Sniffling, the widow agrees. The old man clears his throat, "Plethora" "The widow smiles. "Thanks, that means a lot."
I’m developing a phobia for German sausages.
I fear the wurst.
How do you put the pin back in a Grenade?
Quick answers please.
The great thing about your parachute not deploying
Is that you have the rest of your life to fix it.
I’ve fallen in love with a pencil and we’re getting married
I can't wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B
Kids should not run with scissors
And lesbians should not scissor with the runs
My girlfriend said to me last night, “You treat our relationship like some kind of game!”
Which unfortunately cost her 12 points and a bonus chance…
Remember when plastic surgery was a taboo subject?
Now you mention Botox and no one raises an eyebrow.
