Why do Swedish warships have barcodes on them?
So when they dock they can Scandinavian
Olympic Condoms. (NSFW)
A man was shopping in a nearby supermarket when he noticed a package that said "Olympic Condoms". He bought it, and told his wife about it. " – Olympic Condoms? What's so special about them?" " – They have 3 colors: Gold, Silver and Bronze." " – And what color are you going to wear tonight?" " – Gold, obviously!" " – Why not Silver? It'd be great if you came second, for a change."
My dad didn’t laugh so hopefully you’ll enjoy.
Chatting on the phone with my dad while he was at work. Dad "I've got a light on my helmet so I look like a miner" Me "No, I would say you look about 40" Not even a chuckle from him 😒
A feminist told me about the “Dwayne Johnson Rule.”
The rule, as she explained it, was that in order to determine if a particular comment was appropriate to say to a woman, first ask yourself, 'Would I be comfortable saying this to Dwayne Johnson?' If not, don't say it. I thought this sounded like a good rule. So I told her: "Your chest is fucking epic."
RIP to longtime ‘the Price is Right’ host Bob Barker
He’s still alive, but he’s 95 years old, and I want my guess to be closest without going over.
I can’t see an end, I have no control and I don’t think there’s any escape – I don’t even have a home anymore…
Definitely time for a new keyboard.
because kids don’t know what a book is any more
When you pay attention to classes too much
My partner is learning about male genitalia and vasectomies
I told her there's a vas deferens between male and female genitalia
I’m still not going to forgive them for all the running in high heels though.
My christmas plant has lost it’s leaves,
now it's a disapointsettia.
Keep Back 500 Feet!
Bet ya don’t know this
Three guys die and go to hell [LONG]
Satan meets them for orientation. He asks the first one "What was your favorite sin in life?" He replies "It would have to be booze, I stayed drunk all the time." So Satan leads him to a door and opens it to reveal a giant room containing acres of every type of alcoholic drink imaginable; beers, whiskeys, rum, vodka, wine, etc. "Very well," Satan says. "You'll spend the next hundred years in here." "Hell yes!" the first man replies and jogs into the room while Satan locks the door behind him. "What about you?" Satan asks the second man. "It was definitely lust for me. I shagged every woman I could in every way I could. I couldn't stay faithful to any of my wives." "Very well," Satan replies and opens a door to reveal acre upon acre of beautiful, horny women in every imaginable configuration; blondes, brunettes, redheads, Asian, African, fat, skinny, voluptuous, etc. "I'll be back for you in a hundred years." "Hell yeah!" the second man exclaims as he charges into the room, stripping off his clothes as he goes. Satan locks the door behind him as well. "And last but not least, what about you? What was your favorite sin in life?" Satan says to the third man. "Man, it was definitely the drugs. I was high all the damn time," replies the third man. So Satan leads him to another room and opens the door to reveal a fat joint the size of a telephone pole lying in the middle of the room. "Alright alright alright!" the third man says as he walks in and sits down cross-legged in front of the giant doobie with a huge grin on his face. Satan says, "You know the drill, I'll be back for you in a hundred years." as he locks the door. 100 years pass and Satan unlocks the first door. The first man comes crawling out, covered in a hundred years worth of vomit, excrement, and piss. Dry heaving, he looks up at Satan and says "I swear to God, I will NEVER drink again!" Satan nods and says "You've repented of your sin so I'm going to give you a second chance at life." Satan unlocks the second door and the second man drags himself outside with his arms because nothing below his waist is working anymore. He's hollow-eyed, emaciated, and covered in scratches and claw marks. "As God is my witness, I'm never even going to LOOK at a woman again!" Satan replies "Very well, you're repented of your sin so you get a second shot at life." Satan unlocks the third door to find the third man still sitting cross-legged with bloodshot eyes. And the enormous joint still sitting right in front of him. The man wipes the tears from his face, looks at Satan and sobs out, "Hey man, got a light?"
Kim Kardashian and Kanye West have named their newborn Psalm West. I have only one question.
Is it a hymn or a her?
This year has proven that to be a lie.
A couple took in an 18-year-old girl as a lodger.
She asked if she could have a bath, but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bath, although if she wanted to, she could use a tin bath in front of the fire. "Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to darts," she said. The girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday. After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman filled the bath and watched the girl get undressed. She was surprised to see that the lass didn't have any pubic hair. She mentioned this to her husband when he came home. He didn't believe her, so she said: "Next Monday, when you go to darts, leave a little early and wait in the back garden. I'll leave a gap in the curtains so you can see for yourself." So the following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife asked: "Do you shave?" "No," replied the girl. "I've just never grown any hair down there. Do you have hair?" "Oh, yes," said the woman, and she pulled up her nightdress and showed the girl that she was really generously endowed in the hair department. The girl finished her bath and went to bed. Later that night, when the husband came in, the wife asked him, "Did you see it?" "Yes," he said, "but why the hell did you have to show her yours." "Why ever are you worried about that?" she said. "You've seen it often enough before." "I know," he said…. "but the f*ckin darts team hadn't!
I’m a genius now
A guy in North Korea is walking home after his day at work . . .
. . . and he walks past a security checkpoint. One of the guards calls to him and says to stop, but he takes off running. The guard raises his rifle, takes aim, and shoots him dead in the street. The other guard stares at him. "What did you do that for?" he asks. "Curfew violation," the other guard says. "Curfew violation? Curfew isn't for another half hour!" "I know. That's my friend. I know where he lives. He never would have made it."
Why is Peter Pan always flying?
He never lands.
They’re finally making a movie about clocks…
…it's about time.
Wait, why the fuck is it referring to the window?
Easy party hacks..
3d printers can print guns now!
Not impressed. Had a canon printer for years.
No one is afraid of llama kisses, so why is everyone so worried about…
…the alpaca lips?
I’m friends with 25 letters of the alphabet
I don’t know y
I asked a friend why she prefers Russian porn
She said because Russian porn gets me Soviet
What disinfectant do geologists use?
Where did captain hook buy his hook
The second hand store
I recently found a round, black piece of plastic, with a hole in the middle and grooves on both sides. I picked it up and threw it. It flew for more than 300 yards.
I'm sure that must have been a record.
HTML ia not a Programming language
From now on all boomer reaction memes will be removed. (Boomers: Insert laughing here)
This sub is for comics and nothing else. If you have any questions please leave a comment on here.
I don’t know if this is a repost but some boomer on a discord server posted this
And I’m only in second year
The word ‘Diputseromneve’ may look ridiculous,
But backwards it’s even more stupid.
Terminal in USA school
[OC] Still at work tonight. Pixelart
Make sure your duck is not a banana
Gotta keep yourself busy
Scientists have discovered that diarrhea is hereditary.
It runs in your jeans.
Take muh guns!
It’s from from personal experience
Friendly reminder to set your file associations accordingly
Stick to what’s important.
Dad jokes meet dog jokes
Do you know why redwood is the favorite tree species of every dog? It has the thickest bark.
My wife asked me if “I was listening to her?!”
Strange way to start a conversation….
Our new librarian is very polite and I think she is Italian…
I've just taken a book back that was months overdue but, rather than charging me, she just said, "That's-a-fine."
If I were American, I’d vote Bernie…
But I'm Russian, so I'm voting Trump
I heard a dwarf got pickpocketed. I was shocked and appalled.
How could anyone stoop so low.
Two male deer are leaving a gay bar
One turns to the other and says, “I can’t believe I just blew 20 bucks.”
So, you don’t trust a doctor to stitch you up?
Fine. Suture self.
THE DEAR LEADER GAVE YET ANOTHER BRILLIANT PERFORMANCE ON THE WORLD STAGE!
I have achieves *comedy*
Why did the nearsighted woman fall into a well?
Because she couldn't see that well.
I call my penis ‘The Truth’.
Sometimes it hurts and most women can't handle it.
My lesbian neighbors gave me a Rolex for my birthday…
I think they misunderstood me when I said I wanna watch.
Knock knock / Who’s there? / Broken pencil / Broken pencil who?
Nevermind it’s pointless.
How do the doctors treat mesothelioma?
Asbestos they can!
My son Luke loves that we named our children after Star Wars characters.
Our daughter Chewbacca, not so much.
Mom sent this in the family group chat
Sometimes I wonder what my parents did for fun before the internet.
I asked my 32 brothers and sisters, but they didn't know either.
I’d like to start dieting…
…but I just have too much on my plate right now.