Why do teenage girls always walk in odd numbers
Cuz they like can’t even
My brother always lies, today he finally admitted to being a pathological liar
Yeah, like I'm falling for that
What’s Forrest Gump’s Wi-Fi password?
1Forrest1 Edit: Thanks for the Silver Award
“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
"Is it something I said?" "Yes."
I warned my daughter about using her whistle inside and gave her one last chance…
Unfortunately, she blew it!
I went out with my girlfriend to a fancy restaurant last night and after we’d eaten she kept insisting on paying for the meal.
I said, "Don't be stupid, we're half way down the road now. Just keep running!!'
A boy knocks his father down the stairs in a freak accident.
The father breaks his neck and dies, leaving his son to mourn for days. However, one night, the boy wakes up to see an apparition of his father before him. All at once, he breaks down crying, and screams out, "I'm sorry!" His father responds, "Hi Sorry, I'm dead!"
FUN FACT: if you fart and sneeze at the same time
Your body takes a screenshot
Isn’t it weird when sometimes you’re thinking about someone and then they suddenly appear?
Anyway, my dad just caught me masturbating
Harry Potter walks into a bar.
Because I put them on his bedroom window.
After you die, what part of the human body is the last to stop working?
Your pupils; they dilate.
My neighbor and I are good friends. So we thought we share our water supply.
We got a long well.
Einstein, Newton, and Pascal decide to play hide-and-seek. Einstein is “It,” closes his eyes, counts to 10, and then opens them.
Pascal is nowhere to be seen. Newton is sitting right in front of Einstein, with a piece of chalk in his hand. He's sitting in a box drawn on the ground, a meter to one side. Einstein says, "Newton, you're terrible, I've found you!" Newton says, "No no, no. You've found one Newton per square meter. You've found Pascal!"
Here’s the thing about cliff hangers
No text found
On hearing that her elderly grandfather has just passed away, Katie goes straight to her grandparents’ house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her.
When she asks how her grandfather has died, her grandmother replies, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie tells her grandmother that two people nearly 100 years old having sex will surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear. Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. It was nice, slow, and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the ding and out on the dong." She pauses, wipes away a tear and then continues, "And if that damned ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today!"
I wanted to dress up as a DDOS attack, but I couldn’t get enough friends to do it
https://ift.tt/2BjZZ38
Did you know it’s illegal to water your plants in China ?
It causes the microphones to rust
Daughter: “That armored truck looks like an ambulance.”
Me: "That's because it transports money going through withdrawals." She hated that one so much I nearly wept with joy.
Wife just opened the car door for me..
..would have been a nice gesture had we not been driving at 60mph
You know what really makes me smile?
Facial muscles.
Why did the tomato quit his job?
Because they weren't paying him a good enough monthly celery.
My 3 year old’s first joke
What's wobbly in the sky A jellycopter Not the best execution, but I'm happy he's joining the tradition of bad jokes
To be frank…
i'd have to change my name
I met the woman of my dreams in Korea
She's my Seoul mate
I made a club about erectile dysfunction.
It was a flop, nobody came.
My doctor thinks my diarrhea might be hereditary.
It runs in my jeans.
My brother couldn’t pay his water bill.
So I sent him a “get well soon” card.
My Great Uncle’s Final Words
My great uncle just passed on Sunday. The family had known for a few days it was near the end. His family gathered around him on his death bed, with some flying in from other states to say their goodbyes. "Dad," says his daughter, "[Grandson] flew in from San Francisco just to see you." My great uncle woke up for moment and said, "Boy, his arms must be tired." Those were his last words.
A married couple goes to the fair…
The couple is in their 40's and haven't been in about 20 years, since before they got married. The husband sees a sign that reads "Helicopter Rides: $50". He then turns to his wife and says, "Ethel, let's ride the helicopter. I've always wanted to ride a helicopter, I think it'd be romantic. We can see the city in a way we've never seen before." Ethel says, "No, the ride is $50, and $50 is $50." So they leave, and come back about 20 years later, now the couple is in their 60's. Again, the husband sees the helicopter and the sign, still $50. "Come on Ethel, we didn't do it the last time we were here, let's do it now." "No, it's still $50, and $50 is $50." So once again they leave without riding the helicopter. They come back again in another 20 years. They're 80 now, the husband sees the same sign. He begs his wife, "Ethel please, I've waited my whole life to ride that helicopter. We're never going to get another chance, can we please just ride the helicopter?" Again, the wife says "No, $50 is $50." The helicopter pilot was in earshot this time and says to the couple, "I couodn't help but overhear you two. I'll take you on the helicopter ride for free, but if you make a sound, or say anything, you have to pay the $50." The couple agrees. The pilot is trying to pull a fast one on the couple, he wants to get paid. So he's doing all kinds of tricks, all these flips and barrel rolls and all kinds of crazy stuff to get them to scream and speak up. Nothing from the couple. Not a word was said, no screaming, nothing. The pilot lands the helicopter and says, "That was amazing, I didn't hear anything from you two, how'd you do it?" The husband replies, "Well I was gonna say something when Ethel fell out, but $50 is $50."
Before my surgery my anesthetist offered to knock me out with gas or a boat paddle.
It was an ether/oar situation.
