Why do the Hong Kong police wake up so early in the morning?
To beat the crowd.
A sheep, an idiot, and a snake walk into a bar.
Baaaa dumb hisssssss
A new strain of lice is going around that is resistant to conventional treatments.
That has left scientists scratching their heads.
Two termites walk into a bar
One asks ‘Is the Bar tender here?’
The Police
Police:Where do you live? Percy: With my mum Police:Where does your mum live? Percy: With me Police: Where do you both live? Percy: Together Police: Where is your house? Percy: Next to my neighbor's Police: Where is your neighbor's house? Percy: If I told you, you wouldn't believe me Police: Tell me Percy: Next to my house
Why doesn’t Oedipus use profanity?
Because he kisses his mother with that mouth.
I’m trying to find out what the lowest rank in the army is
But everyone keeps saying it's private
My friends claim I’m the cheapest person they ever met
I'm not buying it
A date site for witches is known for its members’ relationships moving too fast, and most of them ultimately break up.
Don't mount your Wiccans before they're matched.
Old MacDonald is up to something. He types out his song “E-I-E-I-o.”
I just can't trust a guy with shift-E-I's.
I used to have a fear of hurdles
But I got over it.
I was fired from the keyboard factory
I didn't put in enough shifts
I want to tell you about a girl who only eats plants,
You’ve probably never heard of herbivore.
I seriously have to stop dropping things.
It’s really been getting out of hand.
I saw an amateur ventriloquist the other night.
The performance was a little wooden.
“Hey dad, what does gay mean?” The boy asked his dad
"Gay is when a person is happy." his dad replied The boy thought for a long time before asking "Hey dad, are YOU gay?" His dad quickly responded again with "No son, I'm married to your mother."
A lumberjack walks into an enchanted forest. As he goes to chop down a tree, it calls out. “Wait, don’t chop me down. I’m a talking tree!”
The lumberjack smiles. "And you will dialogue."
When single ladies get to the age of 50, they tend to get lots of cats.
This phenomenon is known as many paws
where are noses made?
at the ol factory
What did the shy pebble wish for?
That she was a little boulder.
You know why black people love watching sports?
Easy, cause they dominate that shit. It's the same reason white people watch the History Channel.
My wife has this weird OCD where she arranges the dinner plates by the year they were bought.
It’s an extremely rare dish order.
As a school project, we wanted to perform a Jesus play
but the only guy who had the traditional famous Jesus look had blonde hair. We begged him to dye it black, but he refused. After explaining it to his parents, they agreed to let their son dye for our scenes.
My doctor friend is addicted to hitting his patients on their knees to test their reflexes.
He really gets a kick out of it.
I tell my secrets to all my herbs, except for thyme.
Because only thyme will tell.
Did you know SCUBA is an acronym for Self Contained Underwater Breathing Apparatus? Did you know “tuba” is also an acronym?
Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
I cannot eat shrimp, lobsters and clams that have been cooked by heated water vapor….
I have shellfish steamed issues.