Why do the Hong Kong police wake up so early in the morning?
To beat the crowd.
Went jogging in flip flops just to remember the sound
If the Klu Klux Klan leaders are wizards, why don’t they cast a spell to kill all those that oppose them?
Because they don't have access to black magic.
The same thing that Arkansas.
I just gave them my too weak notice…
They sometimes get elected.
I always knew we would wipe ourselves out
Since it was so rare to be hit even once, he (or she, since I don't want people to get offended) was quite shocked about it all.
From a distance they will look like hares.
Sitting on the highway waiting to catch speeders, a state police officer saw a car puttering along at 22 MPH.
He thinks to himself, that car is just as dangerous as a speeder. So, he turns his lights on and pulls the car over. Approaching the car, he notices there are 5 old ladies, two at the front and 3 at the back, wide eyed and looking like ghosts. The driver obviously confused said, "Officer, I don't understand, I wasn't doing over the speed limit!, What seems to be the problem?" "Ma'am," the officer said, "you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be dangerous". "Slower than the speed limit? NO SIR! I was doing exactly 22 miles an hour", the old woman said proudly. The officer containing a chuckle explains that 22 was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned, thanking the officer for pointing out her error. "Before I go Ma'am, I have to ask, is everyone OK? These women seem badly shaken and haven't uttered a word all this time" "Oh! they will be alright in a minute, Officer, we just got off Route 142."
I guess my property line isn't where I thought it was
It be the best place to exchange stolen content for gold.
That you read the first bit wrong.
It's called making the little things count.
We went out, had a few drinks. Nice guy, wants to be a web designer.
To cover it’s butt-quack.
But I stand corrected.
A plain bagel.
Well of course Dad jokes! Dad is hilarious!
“After a considerable period of grieving, I guess I would. We all need companionship.” “If I died and you remarried,” the wife asks, “would she live in this house?” “We’ve spent a lot of money getting this house just the way we want it. I’m not going to get rid of my house. I guess she would.” “If I died and you remarried, and she lived in this house,” the wife asks, “would she sleep in our bed?” “Well, the bed is brand new, and it cost us $2,000. It’s going to last along time, so I guess she would.” “If I died and you remarried, and she lived in this house and slept in our bed, would she use my golf clubs?” “Oh, no,” the husband replies. "She's left-handed!" Edit: punchline is not is bold anymore
Probably because everyone knows where the Big Apple is, but not where the Minneapolis.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
I asked “doc, could you take off your ring?” He said “that’s not my ring, that’s my watch.”
I call it my trail mix.
They were real people… I just imagined they were my friends.
Cooter, Ronnie and Donnie. As they start their descent, Cooter slips, falls off the tower and is killed instantly. As the ambulance takes the body away, Ronnie says, 'Well, shucks, someone should go and tell his wife.' Donnie says, 'OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it.' Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Budweiser. Ronnie says, 'Where did you get that beer, Donnie?' 'Cooter's wife gave it to me,' 'That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you beer?' 'Well, not exactly', Donnie says. 'When she answered the door, I said to her, "you must be Cooter's widow." ' She said, 'You must be mistaken. I'm not a widow.' Then I said, 'I'll bet you a case of Budweiser you are.' Rednecks are good at sensitive stuff.
I'm open to suggestion.
GLOVES! Nah, just kidding… He still hasn't unwrapped his present.
So I was driving when I see a woman run over a poor rabbit. I stopped immediately to render assistance.
I notice the woman is hysterical and the rabbit, well let's just say he's had better days. I think to myself "Can I render first aid ? " Then it hits me, I can fix this. I go to the boot of my car and grab a can of spray. So I spray this onto the rabbit and sure as shit he jumps up and hops away. As he is hopping away every ten steps he stops looks backs and waves at us ! He repeats this until he eventually was out of sight. The women then asks me "what was that can of spray you used?" I look and it is hair restorer with a permanent wave. I wish to add no Rabbits were harmed in the telling of this story
Bacon will kill you… But, smoking bacon will cure it.