Why do the people of Athens never wake up early?
Because Dawn is tough on Greece
R. Kelly in the news again–tested positive for the COVID-15 virus
…apparently COVID-19 was a little too old for him.
I went to the doctor and told him I couldn’t hear through one ear..
Doc: "Are you sure?" Me: "…I'm Definite."
Why does seaguls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay, they would be bagels.
The CDC has a recommendation for telling jokes during the pandemic…
Inside jokes, only.
Just spent $300 on a limousine and discovered that the fee doesn’t include a driver
Can't believe I've spent all that money and I have nothing to chauffeur it…
Right enough of these β2020 visionβ jokes
I donβt want to make a spectacle of myself
Feeling a need for change, I got a new lamp
Really helped me see things in a different light
“I’d like to have a toast” said the father-in-law at his daughters wedding
"Add some jam on it," he continued (Smh this wasn't appreciated enough at r/jokes)
I got a really ugly looking calculator for Christmas.
But it is what is on the inside that counts.
My son asked me how hard it is to calculate the area of a circle
I told him itβs easy as pi
My sister asked for me to bring her something hard to write on
I don't know why she became so mad. It's pretty fucking hard to write on sand.
Did you know that One Direction went for a haircut together?
Now they have the same Harry Styles.
I always encourage everyone I know to wear two different deodorants, one under each armpit.
But thatβs just my two scents.
My wife asked my if sex has changed since I got my vasectomy
I just tell her I hadn't noticed a vas deferens
Two irishmen, lost at sea…
Two irishmen are floating on a boat, lost at sea. They ran out of food a couple of days ago, and ran out of water just today, so naturally they're pretty desperate. Out on the water, one of them spies a genie's lamp, and they both frantically paddle towards it. One of them pull out the lamp and rubs it, and lo and behold, a genie pops out! "Will ye grant us tree wishes mister?" the Irishman pleads. "I'd love ta, but this old genie's barely enough for just the one. So wish carefully." Quickly, one of the men calls out, "I wish the ocean'd turn ta Guinness!!" "Consider it done." The genie and the lamp disappear, and the entire ocean changes from water to beer. The second Irishman looks at the first, stunned, then finally manages, "Ya fockin' idiot! Now we have ta piss in the boat!"
I poured my root beer into a square glass
..it became beer.
I was telling my architect friends how much I love M.C. Escher.
They all gave me some weird stairs.
Hi everyone 24(F) here
FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF
Why do Jewish men have to be circumsized?
Because a Jewish woman wonβt touch anything unless itβs 20% off.
Someone just complimented my wife and told her that she and our daughter looked like twins.
I said, βWell, they were separated at birth.β
My sister bet me Β£15 that I couldn’t build a car out of spaghetti
You should of seen the look on her face as i drove pasta
Title
https://ift.tt/2Or1Fxj
A senior West Wing staffer told Trump that…
…he had a dream, and in that dream Trump got his huge military parade after all, complete with hundreds of thousands of cheering, flag-waving people lining the streets. "Was I smiling?" Trump asked. "I don't know," the aide replied. "It was a closed casket."
I left a bunch of barbed wire and posts out the front of my house in suggestive poses
I hope nobody takes a fence.
My friend wouldnβt stop telling me bird puns
Little did he know toucan play at that game
I can always tell when someone is lying just by looking at them.
I can tell when theyβre standing too.