Why do they always forget him?
I hate crowds, and just walked into a room full of married people.
Thankfully, there wasn’t a single person in there.
Finally done some exercise
feels like a weight's been lifted
My doctor recommended exercise to slim down as well as some orange juice for vitamins
It’s the weight and c approach I guess
Modern comic relying on a 1970s/early 80s commercial reference for Reese’s cups
https://ift.tt/33ypmvc
Did you know that a piranha can devour a child down to the bone in less than 45 seconds?
Anyway, I lost my job at the aquarium today.
How long do you microwave fish?
Tuna half minutes!
“Dad, is the Fibonacci sequence hard to understand?”
“Nope. It’s as easy as 1,1,2,3.”
What do you call an amphibian that goes to space?
An Astronewt
My dad is going through heart failure, and the first text that I get from him after sending him a card says:
“No more corny jokes, now just corn-orary jokes” I’m glad he still has his sense of humor through these tough times
My penis was in the Guiness Book of World Records.
Until the police came and removed me from the library.
The soviet union was doomed to fail
The red flags were everywhere.
My mom used to feed me alphabet soup when I was a kid and insisted on me telling everyone that I loved it…
I didn't really, she was just putting words in my mouth…
What’s the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac?
One takes things literally and the other takes things, literally.
Your essays should be like a girls skirt.
Long enough to cover the subject, short enough to keep it interesting and up on my desk by Friday midnight.
“I’m sorry but your wife didn’t make it,” A doctor said as he handed a man his newborn baby.
The man handed the baby back to the doctor. "Then bring me the one my wife did make."
Why are iPhones like the NFL?
The Chargers suck.
Did you hear about the steer that ate a stick of dynamite?
It was abominable!
Why are there two “d”s in “Reddit”?
The second one’s a repost.
A guy is talking to a girl
A guy is talking to a girl : "Everytime I see your smile, I want to take you to my place" "Oh ! You think I'm pretty ?" "No, I'm a dentist."
Guys who try to pick up girls through Reddit are pathetic
Ladies if you agree with me message me your number and we can discuss it more. Maybe over dinner or a movie or something.
Passenger taps his cab driver on the shoulder, The drivers shits himself, almost hits a bus and stops inches from a shop window
"Wow youre jumpy arent you, i just tapped you on the shoulder" said the passenger "Sorry" said the driver "its my first day on the job and ive been driving a hearse the past 20 years"
Why do you never see hippos hiding in trees?
Because they're good at it
I was thinking of going as a band-aid for Halloween, but then decided against it.
It would be really hard to pull off.
My neighbor and I are good friends. So we thought we share our water supply.
We got a long well.
Sometimes I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward
That’s just how I roll
You can’t trust constipated people
They're full of shit.
What did the horse say when it fell down?
"Help, I've fallen, and I cant giddy up!"
I was skeptical when someone told me that there is a land full of Jews
Turns out, Israel
What does a house wear?
Address
Your momma’s so fat…
I tried to picture her in my head and it broke my neck.