Why do they call it marijuana possession
And not joint custody
A guy visits a carnival and amongst the merry-go-rounds, vendors and performers he spots a man with a tiny pony.
He walks up to the man and asks: "What's with the pony?" "For a dollar the pony can do pretty much any trick you ask of it" the man replies. "That's cool" the guy says and proceeds to take out his wallet, retrieve a dollar bill and puts it in the jar next to the pony. He extends his hand and says "Shake!" The pony promptly performs the trick. The man produces another dollar. "Play dead!" The pony collapses to the ground, then gets up after a little while. "How about a tougher one?" the man says and puts another dollar in the jar. "What's eleven minus five?" The pony stomps with a hoove six times. "This is incredible" he exclaims. The guy continues to add dollar after dollar to the jar while the pony performs every trick or task without a fault. After a while the guy runs out of single dollar bills and turns to the man and says: "Sir, that is one incredible animal you have there, is there anything it can't do?" "He can't sing" the man replies. The guy considers this for a bit. "Why can't he sing" the guy asks. The man looks him in the eye. "He's a little horse."
Why shouldn’t you ever fight a dinosaur?
Because you’ll get Jurass kicked..
I respect tyres.
They've got plenty of wheelpower.
Why was the boxer in the furniture shop?
He was shopping for beddingdingding.
I just got accepted into the most popular anger management group.
It’s all the rage.
whats the biggest problem while buying a pencil?
2B or not 2B
How do you know when a joke becomes a dad joke?
When it’s full groan.
Once I was in a band called teenage bed
We never made it.
As I gave Dad his 60th birthday card he said to me…
"Just one would have been fine!"
How many bones are in the human hand?
A handful of them.
I don’t advertise my lip reading business…
It’s all word of mouth…
Just got back from a job interview, where I was asked if can perform under pressure.
I said I wasn't too sure about that but I do a wicked Bohemian Rhapsody.
Gamers these days have no patience.
Two thousand years ago, respawn wait times were three days
My wife asked me if she could have some peace and quiet while she tried to cook dinner.
So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.
A mathematician wakes from a nightmare in which he encountered a creature with only one eye.
“Thank goodness,” he says. “It was imaginary.”
Handjobs [nsfw]
A man stands in front of a food truck and reads the menu: "Cheeseburger: $5 Fries: $3 Handjobs: $10." He walks up to the window and there is a beautiful blonde working behind the counter. "Are you the one that gives the handjobs?" he asks, handing her ten dollars. "Yes, I am," she replies seductively. "Well, wash your hands, I want two cheeseburgers."
The museum guide
Visitor: "How old is that Tyrannosaurus skeleton?" Guide: "70,000,006 years." Visitor: "Wow. How can you be so precise?" Guide: "They told me it was 70,000,000 years old when I started working here."
A man and his wife checked into a hotel.
An hour after checking in, the man calls the front desk. Man- "My wife and I had a fight and she is going to jump out the window." Help desk- " It's your personal matter and we cant help in this situation. " Man- " Personal matter my ass the window doesn't open."
I have made myself too many places to store books.
I have no shelf control.
Bullets are quite weird…
They only do their jobs after they are fired
Babies Drinking beer. So funny!!! If your baby didn’t drink beer then YOU’RE A SISSY
https://ift.tt/3cqErSG
What happens after you eat aluminum?
You sheet metal
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
Me: I've seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way. Genie: I promise that won't happen. I'm so sure it won't I'll give you infinite wishes if it does. Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth. Genie: You son of a…
Why did the cannibal love Abraham Lincoln?
Because of the greatest speech ever written, "Four score and seven ears ago…"
Knock, knock
shouting thru door “Just leave it outside, Thank you!” (2020 update)
My favorite sex position is called “WOW”…
It’s when I flip your MOM over.
