Why do Uber drivers skip the gym ?
Because they don't even Lyft
I opened a pistachio shell, and there was nothing inside.
Even Mother Nature is participating in No Nut November.
I don’t think the guy climbing the ladder above me wipes,
It was an unpleasant asscent.
I walked in the lounge to find my wife breastfeeding our son.
“How long do you have to do that for?” I asked. “When is he too old for it?” “Well, it’s a physical bond between a mother and her child isn’t it? It’s only the society that deems it unacceptable above a certain age.” “Yeah, shut up Joe – I was talking to your mother.”
Son: Daddy my shoes don’t fit right.
Me: That's because they're on the wrong feet. Son: But they're the only feet I have.
What do you call a beehive with no exit?
Unbelievable
Not One Republican Voted To Remove A Domestic Terrorist From Office…. Not One
https://ift.tt/2vazgX4
The Bristol Zoo Parking Attendant
Outside England's Bristol Zoo there is a parking lot for 150 cars and 8 buses. For 25 years, its parking fees were managed by a very pleasant attendant. The fees for cars $1.40, for buses $7. Then, one day, after 25 solid years of never missing a day of work, he just didn’t show up; so the zoo management called the city council and asked it to send them another parking agent. The council did some research and replied that the parking lot was the zoo’s own responsibility. The zoo advised the council that the attendant was a city employee. The city council responded that the lot attendant had never been on the city payroll. Meanwhile, sitting in his villa somewhere on the coast of Spain or France or Italy is a man who’d apparently had a ticket machine installed completely on his own and then had simply begun to show up every day, commencing to collect and keep the parking fees, estimated at about $560 per day — for 25 years. Assuming 7 days a week, this amounts to just over $7 million dollars … and no one even knows his name. Source: https://www.snopes.com/fact-check/fake-parking-attendant/
How do you make the number one disappear?
You just add a G, and it’s gone.
My 7/yo sister said this at the dinner table while me and my dad were talking: What did one paper say to the other?
Nothing. Paper doesn't talk. That's how I want you to be. Like paper.
Got my first tattoo today
But it was only temporary. (I see that image posts aren't allowed in this sub but gosh darn it, I earned this one. I throw myself on your mercy, mods.)
Someone accused me of plagiarism….
That's their words, not mine.
Two Thai girls asked me if I wanted to sleep with them.
They said it would be like winning the Lottery. To my horror they were right, we had six matching balls.
Why don’t fairies live under toadstools?
Because there's not mushroom!
How much does Santa pay to park his sleigh
Nothing, it's on the house Edit: found out I accidentally reposted. Sorry people but happy holidays
What do you call a man that states the obvious?
A man that states the obvious
Justice is a dish best served cold.
Because if it was served warm it would be Justwater
I told my boss that three companies were after me and I need a raise….
My boss asked “what companies? “ Gas, water and electricity.
A colon can completely change a sentence.
Mary ate her friend's lunch. Mary ate her friend's colon.
Why did the “A” run away
There was a B
What did one hungry plant say to the other plant?
I could use a light snack.
A book falls on Sean Connery’s head
"Well, I've only got my shelf to blame"
What do you call an emo accapello group?
Self Harmony
If you pull a pin from a grenade, how do you put it back in?
Quick answers please.
What do websites and people have in common?
They both use cookies to improve their performance
Gorilla removal service.
This guy wakes up one morning to find a gorilla in a tree near his house. He looks in the phone book for a gorilla removal service until he finds one. "Is it a boy or girl Gorilla?" the service guy asks. "Boy," is the man's response. "Oh yeah, I can do it. I'll be right there", says the service guy. An hour later the service guy shows up with a stick, a Chihuahua, a shotgun, and a pair of handcuffs. He then gives the man some instructions: "Now, I'm going to climb this tree and poke the gorilla with the stick until he falls. When he does, the trained Chihuahua will bite the gorilla's testicles off. The gorilla will then cross his hands to protect himself and allow you to put the handcuffs on him." The man asks, "What do I do with the shotgun?" The service guy replies, "If I fall out of the tree before the gorilla, shoot the Chihuahua."
“Dad, I want to be a history major!”
Dad: I don’t see any future in it.
If you’re looking for a slutty Halloween costume…
Dress as a professor. They barely cover anything important.
Dad: “Would you like anything to eat for dinner?” Son: “What are my choices?”
Dad: "'Yes' or 'no'."
I just finished reading “Twenty Thousand Leagues under the Sea.”
The entire novel was a sub-plot.
How do you keep an idiot in suspense?
I’ll tell ya later
God: “I didn’t say trumpets would signal the end of the world.”
"I said Trump/Pence."
A stormtrooper walks into a bar and orders a martini
The bartender asks while handing the stormtrooper his drink, "Shouldn't you not be drinking on the job?" The stormtrooper arches his eyebrow, "And hit what I'm aiming for?"
A young man knocks on the door of his girlfriends house to take her out on a date.
Her father opens the door and tells him that she’s upstairs getting ready. He offers him a seat on the couch while he waits. He accepts and the family dog, Max, comes over and sits at the young man’s feet. After a few minutes pass, the young man has to fart but doesn’t want to because the father is sitting in the seat next to him. Finally he can’t hold it in anymore and a loud fart erupts in the room. The father looks over and sternly says, “Max!” The young man realizes the father thinks it was the dog who farted. Delighted, he feels another fart coming on. This time he lets it out and again the audible sound fills the room. “Max!” Shouts the father this time. The young man can’t be happier, he’s farting as much as he needs and the father thinks it’s their dog. Eventually he feels a third fart coming on. Without flinching the young man passes his gas again. “Max! Shouts the father. “Get over here before that boy shits all over you!”
