why do we have people out there who actually think like this?
What is it called when a cannonball eats another cannonball?
Cannonball-ism
Have you heard of the cheese factory that burned down?
Debris was everywhere.
My son Luke loves that we chose Star Wars characters as an inspiration when naming our kids.
His sister Chewbacca is less thrilled.
Y’know
I once lived a stone's throw away from a family that all died of mysterious head injuries.
Who keeps the children
A man and his young wife were in divorce court, but the custody of their children posed a problem. The mother gets up and says to the judge that since she brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them. The man also wanted custody of his children, so the judge asked for his justification. After a long silence, the man slowly rose from his chair and replied, "Your Honor, when I put a dollar in a vending machine and a soda comes out, who does the soda belong to… me or the machine?"
I got heartburn from eating my cake
The doctor told me to take the candles off next time.
NO PLEASE NO NOT THAT ANYTHING BUT THAT!!!! I DONT WANT TO GO THERE!!!
NO PLEASE NO NOT THAT ANYTHING BUT THAT!!!! I DONT WANT TO GO THERE!!!
Hey, can I get some feedback on my joke?
*Makes a high-pitched screeching sound*
Why do Christians in Japan always put an extra cup at the table?
For God's sake.
How to tell the gender of ANY animal
SIMPLE – Just give it some food! If she eats the food, then it's a girl. But if he eats the food, then it's a boy.
My friend said, “Congratulations on your new job! How did you get it?” I replied, “The same way the Virgin Mary got Jesus.” He laughed, “What? A miracle?!”
I whispered, "No. Sex that I can't tell anyone about."
my girlfriend left me because I’m insecure
nevermind she's back she just went to pee
Who has time to worry about 2,363 Americans deaths, when Trump is happy with his ratings
https://ift.tt/2WRHUW0
What’s the difference between an African Elephant and an Asian Elephant?
About 3,000 miles.
Why are catholic priests called father?
Because “daddy” would be too suspicious
Time flies like an arrow
Fruit flies like a banana.
I lost my job at the quarry…
I guess you could say I've hit rock bottom…
What do you call it when a midget gives head?
A below job
I spent a few hours by my wife’s grave today
She thinks I'm digging a pond
What’s a pirate’s favorite letter.
P. Without it they're irate.
I tried to steal candy from a newborn baby.
He slapped my hand away. Turns out he wasn't born yesterday.
I just saw my first porno…
And damn I looked good back then.
When I was a child I had many imaginary friends.
They were real people… I just imagined they were my friends.
I used to like Mitch Hedberg
I still do, but I used to too
At a hotel restaurant, a man sees an attractive woman sitting alone at the next table
Suddenly, she sneezes, and a glass eye comes flying out of her eye socket. It hurls by the man, and he snatches it from the air and hands it back to her. "This is so embarrassing," the woman says, and she pops her eye back in place. "I'm sorry to have disturbed you. Let me buy dinner to make it up to you. May I join you?" He nods. The woman is a stimulating conversationalist, stunning pretty, and the man finds they have a lot in common. He gets her phone number and asks."You are the most charming woman I've ever encountered. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?" "No," She replies. "You just happened to catch my eye."
I met Tom Hanks today!
I asked for his autograph, but all he wrote was ‘thanks’…
When wearing a bikini, women reveals 96% of their body.
But the men are so polite, they only look at the covered parts.
How do you handle a redhead’s temper?
Gingerly.