Why do you have to go and do that
How is Donald Trump like a jack-o-lantern?
They are both orange, round and should be thrown out in early November.
What do you call someone who cleans a vaccum cleaner?
A vaccum cleaner.
We were having sex the other night and to my surprise my wife started punching me in the face.
I have no idea who let her into my office.
I got a pet newt, and I named him Tiny
Because he's my newt
What do you get when you cross an Irishman with a German?
A guy who's too drunk to follow orders.
My wife just gave birth today and after thanking the doctor, I pulled him aside and sheepishly asked, “How soon do you think we’ll be able to have sex?”
He winked at me and said, "I'm off duty in ten minutes – meet me in the car park."
People always ask where I got my incredibly detailed tattoo done, but they never believe me when I tell them Spain.
Nobody expects the Spanish ink precision.
r/PoliticalHumor 2019 Best Of Awards!
It’s time for Reddit’s Best of 2019 Awards.What a year it’s been here in r/politicalhumor, thanks to everyone for participating.Make your nominations here and/or upvote your favorites.You are welcome to categorize your nominations, i.e:Best PostBest CommentBest of YearOnly one nomination per comment. Please do not nominate yourself. You may only nominate submissions made in 2019.This thread is set to contest mode which sorts comments randomly and hides vote scores. In January, the votes will be tallied and a results thread will be posted. We will give reddit gold to the top submissions!
I need to get a new chess set because all my pawns are damaged and sticky.
I should have never left them in the same box as the bishops.
“Mommy i want that balloon” = A baby that keeps pointing at balloons = Pointer 😂
https://ift.tt/2p1zoFy
I keep hearing people say these SoCal earthquakes are being caused by the heat or as punishment for how we have been acting. I think they are wrong.
It is actually the San Andreas's fault.
There is a sell on Liam Neeson movie.
But, it was already Taken.
My doctor said I only have 5 more days to live…
So I killed him and the Judge gave me 40 years!!
I tried to catch Santa last night.
I poisoned his milk but he found out and killed my dad.
How many dead bodies does it take to change a light bulb?
Well, it's not 6, cause my basement is still dark
Little Johnny at the nudist beach
Little Johnny and his parents decided to spent the day at the beach. He goes off to play in the sand only to return a few moments later. "Mom why are some women's breasts bigger than others?" To which his mom replied. "The women with bigger breasts are more silly" satisfied with this answer he goes off to play for a while longer. Later the boy asks why some men's penises are bigger than others, his mom tells him "Men with bigger penises are dumber" once again content Johnny goes off to play again. A while later he returns with a grin on his face and tells his mom, "Hey Mom Dad is talking to the silliest girl here and he just keeps getting dumber and dumber"
My friend told me, “My girlfriend keeps asking me if I’m an Alice in Wonderland character, and it’s getting really annoying!”
“Are you mad at her?” I asked. He responded, “Geez! Don’t you start too!”
It translates to: Pero (the guys name) if you did not notice, I am wearing the same dress.
https://ift.tt/2XpzNP7
The guy who invented predictive text died last night…
his funfair is next monkey
Anyone Can Fall in Love
There were two antennas on top of a skyscraper collecting radio signals. They meet, fall in love and decide to get married. The wedding wasn’t much to talk about, but the reception was excellent. 😜
The wife said she is leaving because of my sexual fetishes
I said great! don't forget to slam the door on my cock on the way out Edit: Thanks for the gold, kind door slammer.
Did you know that if you get really close to a lighter flame…
…it smells like burnt nose hair?
My penis was in the Guinness book of world records..
..until the police came and removed me from the library.
I used to sell security alarms door to door, and I was really good at it.
If no one was home, I would just leave a brochure on the kitchen table.
Did I ever tell you about the girl that only ate plants?
I can't believe I never mentioned herbivore.
When writing a function and then googling just to see if there’s a better way
https://ift.tt/38mlMXf
A chemist froze himself at -273°C.
People asked him if he was hurt but he said he was 0K.
A man was very sick. Doctors feared the worst. He is at home one day, resting in his bed. He looks up and says, “Is my wife here?” His wife replies, “Yes, dear, I’m here, next to you.” The man goes, “Are my children here?” “Yes, Daddy, we are all here,” say the children.
"Are my other relatives also here?" And they say, "Yes, we are all here…" The man sits up and says, "Then why in the world is the light on in the kitchen?"
These fireworks are so annoying
It's all I've heard all year
The maid asked her boss, the wife for a raise, and the wife was upset.
The wife asked, "Now, Helen, why do you think you deserve a pay increase?" Helen: "There are three reasons. The first is that I iron better than you." Wife: "Who said that?" Helen: "Your husband." Wife: "Oh." Helen: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you." Wife: "Who said that?" Helen: "Your husband." Wife: "Oh." Helen: "The third reason is that I am better at sex than you." Wife: "Did my husband say that as well?" Helen: "No, the gardener did." Wife: "So, how much do you want?"
I’d like to start dieting…
…but I just have too much on my plate right now.
Girls call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
And then they call me ugly and poor.
Guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender, “what’s the WiFi password?”
The bartender replies, “you need to buy a beer first.” So the guy buys a beer, and asks again, “what’s the WiFi password?” The bartender replies, “you need to buy a beer first, all lowercase, no spaces or punctuation.”
I got a job as a bullet…
I was fired immediately.
