Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?
Because they're really good at it.
Maybe if we all emailed the Constitution to each other…
…the NSA will finally read it.
Plane with 5 passengers on board, Donald Trump, Boris Johnson, Angela Merkel, The Pope and a ten year old school boy. The plane is about to crash and there are only 4 parachutes.
Plane with 5 passengers on board, Donald Trump, Boris Johnson, Angela Merkel, The Pope and a ten year old school boy. The plane is about to crash and there are only 4 parachutes. Trump said I need one. I’m the smartest man in the USA and am needed to sort out the problems of the World!’, takes one and jumps. Boris said ‘I’m needed to sort out Britain’. He takes one and jumps. The Pope said ‘I need one as the world needs the Catholic Church.’ He takes one and jumps. Angela said to the ten year old: "You can have the last parachute. I've lived my life, yours is only just starting." The 10 year old replied: "Don’t worry, there are 2 parachutes left, the smartest man in the USA took my school bag."
My buddy gave me a terrible thesaurus. It was terrible
No text found
Half of us are gonna come out of this quarantine as amazing cooks
and the other half are gonna come out with a drinking problem.
A dad is lying on his deathbed with his son standing over him
Son: I’m really gonna miss you, Dad. The dad, with his dying breath, utters, “Hi Really Gonna Miss You, I’m Dad.” A single tear rolls down the son’s cheek
Did you know that before the crowbar was invented
They just drank at home.
Judge: I hereby find you guilty for all crimes you have been charged with. For sentencing I order you to spend life behind bars without possibility of parole
Criminal: That's a long sentence, I demand a shorter one. Judge: U did it. Go 2 jail forever.
A photon checks into a hotel.
The bellhop asks: "Hello, can i help with your luggage?" "Oh thanks, no need, i am travelling light."
I went to the doctor and told him I couldn’t hear through one ear..
Doc: "Are you sure?" Me: "…I'm Definite."
Your underwear is incorrect, please try again. If you can’t remember your underwear, enter your email and we will send you recovery instructions. Your underwear is too small, it must have atleast three holes. Your underwear hint is “Am I wearing any?” Your new underwear cannot be your old underwear.
https://ift.tt/38Rkqnb
The cop teared up a little as she wrote out my ticket.
I guess it was a moving violation.
In Alabama, there is no Reverse Cowgirl
You don't turn your back on family
An Irishman walls into a bar in Dublin..
orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender approaches and tells him, “You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it, and it would taste better if you bought one at a time.” The Irishman replies, well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other is in Australia, and I’m in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we’d drink this way to remember the days we drank together. So I drink one for each o’me brothers and one for me self.” The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: He orders three pints and drinks them in turn. One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, “I don’t want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss.” The Irishman looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns and he laughs. “Oh, no, everybody’s just fine,” he explains, “It’s just that my wife had us join that Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking. But it hasn’t affected me brothers though.”
They told me i wouldn’t be good at poetry because i’m dyslexic
But so far I’ve made 3 jugs and a vase and they are lovely.
When I was a child I wondered where the sun went at night
Then it dawned on me
My neighbour and I became good friends, so we decided to rent a space together to park our cars.
We have….a lot in common.
I saw a radio the other day on sale for $1. It had a note stuck on it saying, “Volume stuck on full”
I though, “I can’t turn that down”
I have a few jokes about unemployed people
but none of them seem to work.
The only thing flat earthers have to fear….
Is sphere itself
I saw a man with one arm shopping at a second hand store.
I told him "you're not going to find what you're looking for."
Never marry a tennis player…
Love means nothing to them!
Why did the can crusher quit his job?
Because it was soda pressing.
I went to a faith healer last night and he was fucking shit,
even the bloke in the wheelchair got up and walked out!