Why do you never see hippos hiding in trees?
Because they're good at it
Why is Cinderella bad at football?
Because she’s always running away from the ball.
I told my wife that she drew her eyebrows a little high when she did her makeup today.
She looked surprised.
A dog sees a “Now hiring” poster outside of a computer store.
The poster reads: "Must be able to type. Must be able to program. And must be bilingual. We are an equal opportunity employer." The dog takes the poster in his mouth, and walks in. The manager spots the dog, and decides to humour it, pulling up a chair and a computer with a word processor. "Alright, if you want to work here, you need to first write a letter," and leaves the room. 30 minutes later, he comes back in, and the dog has typed out a completely error-free letter. "Well, I'll be. This is a smart dog. But can he program?", he asks himself. 20 minutes pass, and the dog has made a perfectly running website for the store. He looks, shocked, at the dog, and finally speaks. "Look, I know you have the qualifications, but, well… you're a dog." The dog nudges the words "We are an equal opportunity employer" on the poster, and the manager sighs. "There's no way you're bilingual." The dog looks him in the eyes, and says, "Meow."
My dad once told me that jacking off too much can make you go blind
Then I said "Dad, I'm over here."
A plane crashes. Every single person dies. Who survives?
Every couple -my 8yr old daughters riddle
Two Jehovah’s Witnesses die and go to Heaven.
As they're knocking at the Pearly Gates, St Peter turns around and whispers… "Turn out the lights and everybody be quiet!! Maybe they'll think we're not home."
What do you call a fake noodle?
An Impasta (First post here)
Why are circumsized penises so popular among Jewish girls?
They love anything that's 15% off Just a joke lol please don't kill me with the downvotes
If big feet means big dick and big car means small dick…
Then no wonder people are so scared of clowns.
My son wanted me to cosign on a loan for college…
I said, "what's your angle?"
I finally watched Doctor Who.
It was about time.
Hillary’s emails
[deleted]
My dog once retrieved a stick from 1 mile away
I know, it sounds a little far fetched.
Sauron is a great name.
It has a nice ring to it.
My wife and I decided to curb our smoking habit a bit by only smoking after sex.
I havnt touched a cigarette in 10 years and shes up to 2 packs a day. RIP Rodney.
My earliest childhood memory is visiting the eye doctor and getting my glasses.
Life before that was a blur.
An ancient mathematical joke
https://ift.tt/2NzJIMz
I ran out of toilet paper, so started wiping using lettuce leaves
But I'm scared this is the tip of the iceberg
I asked a pretty, young homeless woman if I could take her home. She smiled at me and said yes.
The look on her face soon changed, however, when I walked off with her cardboard box.
I hate spelling errors!
You can mess up just two letters and your whole post is urined
How do you tell the sex of an ant?
You drop it in water. If it sinks: girl ant. If it floats…
Within minutes, the detective knew exactly what the murder weapon was.
It was a brief case.
Man sits at a bar and orders five shots…
the bartender asks the guy, "What's up bud? You look rough." "Well," says the man, "I just found out my dad is gay and he's left my mom for some pool boy." "Ouch," says the bartender, "here, these are on the house today." A few days later the same guy comes in and orders another five shots. "Oh no man, what happened this time?" The bartender asks. "Just found out my brother is gay, he's left his wife for a man he met at a gay bar last week." "I'm sorry man," the bartender says, "these are on the house." Just one week later the guy comes in again and orders ten shots. The bartender asks, "Man! Doesn't anyone in your family like women?" The guy responds, "Yeah…my wife."
The shovel was a groundbreaking invention
But everyone was blown away by the leaf blower.
I made the mistake of drinking the liquid from a scientist’s test tube.
It was a vial substance.
How did Harry Potter get down the hill
By walking… JK rolling
One wish
A man is walking down the street when he stumbles upon an old lamp. Giving it a rub a genie appears and says to him, "I will grant you one wish, what will it be?" The man thinks then says "Well, I've always wanted to go to Hawaii but I get sea sick and I'm too afraid to fly over all that water. I wish there was a bridge there so I could just drive over!" The genie replies "No way! Think of how much material that'd be! How about something else?" The man thinks again and comes up with another idea. "You know, I've always wanted to know how women think. What they feel and their emotions and dislikes. I wish I could understand women!" He grins and looks at the genie expectantly. "Two or four lanes?"
My job is to drill holes in things and then bolt them together…
At first it’s boring, but later on, it’s riveting…
I was bored and hit my Nokia with a hammer, it broke, obviously.
So, I took it to Best Buy to get it fixed, and the woman at the counter said they can't fix hammers.
What do you call a pumpkin that can slam dunk a basketball?
Michael Gourdan
My wife gets mad whenever I mess with her red wine.
So I added fruit and lemonade to it and now she's sangria than ever
If a man talks dirty to a woman, it’s sexual harassment.
When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $3.50 a minute.
Therapist: It seems like you have an acute phobia of marriage. Do you understand the symptoms?
Man: Can’t say that I do. Therapist: Exactly. That’s the main one.
“What’s the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?”
A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time…" A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit…"
At a job interview I filled my glass of water until it overflowed a little
“Nervous.” Asked the interviewer. “No, I always give 110%”
Why are the horse stalls at a racetrack labelled A, B, D, E, and F?
Because no one would bet on a seahorse.