Why does a chicken coop only have 2 doors?
Because if it had 4 doors it’d be a chicken sedan.
What’s Gordon Ramsay’s favorite Reddit sub?
IT'S FUCKING r/aww
Trump is visiting a class in an elementary school where they are talking about words and meanings
The teacher asks Trump if he would like to lead the class in a discussion of the word “tragedy”. So he asks the class for an example of a tragedy. One little boy stands up and offers, “if my best friend who lives on a farm is playing in a field and a runaway tractor comes along and knocks him dead, that’d be a tragedy.” “Not quite”, says Mr. Trump, “that would be an accident.” A little girl raises her hand: “if a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy.” “I’m afraid not,” explained the president. “That’s what we would call a great loss.” The room goes silent. Trump searches the room. “Isn’t there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy? “ Finally at the back of the room, little Johnny raises his hand. In a quiet voice he says, “If Air Force One, carrying you was struck by a missile and blown to smithereens; that would be a tragedy.” “Fantastic!” exclaimed Mr. Trump. “That’s right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?” “Well’, said little Johnny, “because it sure as hell wouldn’t be a great loss and probably wouldn’t be an accident either.”
What movies are rated 3.1416 stars?
Pirated movies
I buy my guns from a guy that goes by “T-Rex”
He’s a small arms dealer
What did 2 tell 3 when he saw 6 acting like an idiot?
Don’t worry about him. He’s just a product of our times.
I saw a frenchmen playing a Wii.
He called it a Yes Box.
I met this girl at the vegan restaurant who said she knew me.
But I never met herbivore.
When people complain about php’s security, i need this picture to explain the scenario
https://ift.tt/2p6ZLtd
Roman guy: You won’t believe how many women I’ve slept with
Second Roman: mmm? Roman Guy: don't be ridiculous, not that many
How do you make a tissue dance?
You put a little boogie in it.
I told my boyfriend we could watch a porn for his birthday and do everything that we saw in the video.
He was super psyched, until I fucked the pizza delivery guy.
Make sure you raise your left leg at midnight tonight guys.
Let’s start the new year off on the right foot.
Why do Native Americans hate snow?
Because it's white and it settles on their land.
Two antennae got married
The ceremony was alright but the reception was EXCELLENT!
Why are ghosts bad liars?
Because you can see right through them!
I was having trouble fastening my seat belt
and then it just clicked
Little Teddy’s doing very poorly in math, so his parents enroll him in Catholic school.
The first day home from St. Michael’s, he walks straight to his room to do his math homework. After dinner Teddy marches back upstairs and starts calculating again. His mother visits his room and says, “You’re working awfully hard!” “Well,” Teddy replies, “today when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren’t fucking around.”
The world ended when I kissed an alpaca.
It was the alpaca-lips.
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer…
I don't know what they've been laced with but I've been tripping all day.
My second wife left me because I have “revenge issues”
We'll see about that…
What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?
One is a whiny toddler and the other is a tiny waddler!
Do you think oranges become juice willingly
Or are they getting pressured into it?
A former Sergeant in the Marine Corps took a new job as a high school teacher.
Just before the school year started, he injured his back. He was required to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. Fortunately, the cast fit under his shirt and wasn't noticeable. On the first day of class, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in the school. The smart punks, having already heard the new teacher was a former Marine, were leery of him and he knew they would be testing his discipline in the classroom. Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, the new teacher opened the window wide and sat down at his desk. When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he picked up a stapler and stapled the tie to his chest. There was dead silence… the rest of the year went quite smoothly.
Genie: Okay what’s your last wish?
Me: I wish I had a tail. Genje: Wejrd but okay.
Instead of ‘Happy New Year’ I said ‘good year’ to my wife.
I must be tired.
How do you avoid clickbait?
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