Why does a duck have feathers?
To cover its butt quack.
A haiku about corona virus
I am so bored I have too much toilet paper I need a ventilator
Why was Trump unable to hang himself?
It was fake noose
When I was in high school, my dad f*cked my teacher repeatedly for better grades in my math class.
Thank god im homeschooled or that could have been wierd
Trump educates himself about the subject before talking about it
…. Thats the whole joke
My boss told me as a security guard its my job to watch the office
I'm on season 6 so far, but not sure what its got to do with security.
I think I might be turning into a beach…
But I'm still not 100% shore
My sister got married the other day and now has 16 husbands….
Four richer, four poorer, four better and four worse…
Hope we can still get it on
Hope we can still get it on
I wanted to write a movie script about a retired CIA agent who has to rely on his old skills to save his kidnapped daughter, but that idea was taken.
So I thought instead I'd write a script about a retired CIA operative who is taken hostage along with his wife in Instanbul, but that idea was taken, too.
Never have sex with a wizard…
I did once and I got Hogwarts. Now they won't quidditching.
Why is dark spelled with a k and not a c
Because you can't see in the dark
What is a turkey’s favorite dessert?
Peach gobbler.
The First French Fries Weren’t Cooked In France
they were cooked in grease
Did you hear about the guy who flew so close to the sun that he touched it at exactly one point?
He was a real tan gent.
A man escapes from prison where he’s been for 15 years. He breaks in to a house looking for money, guns, and/or a car, instead he finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the husband out of the bed and ties him to a chair. After tying the wife to the bed he gets on top of her and kisses her neck, then goes in to the bathroom. At which time the husband tells his wife: "Honey, this man's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! I saw the way he kissed your neck, he probably hasn't seen a woman in years, if he wants sex give to him, don't resist, don't complain, just go with it no matter how sick It makes you. He's probably dangerous, if he gets mad he will most likely kill us. Honey, I love you, be strong. To which the wife responds: "Oooh, honey, no? He wasn't kissing my neck he was whispering in my ear. He said you looked very cute and asked if we had any vasoline. I told him yeah in the restroom. Give him what he wants, honey be strong i love you too."
My friends always make fun of me for having an imaginary girlfriend.
Joke's on them, they're imaginary too.
One day I’ll pretend to be gay…
I'll make lots of female friends, gain their trust and become their confidant, and when they least expect it…… BAMM!! !! !! … I'll fuck their boyfriends
What did Helen Keller say when she put down the cheese grater?
That was the most violent book I've ever read.
Just watched an episode of MasterChef. The contestants had to successfully infuse a lump of meat with THC or get eliminated
I guess you could say the steaks were high
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What do you call a sleepwalking nun?
A roamin' Catholic!
I think my family is racist
I've been nervous for weeks, but I finally decided to introduce them to my Spanish girlfriend My kids refused to talk to her and my wife started crying and told me to pack my things
I wrote to my North Korean penpal asking how things were in his country
He wrote back "I can't complain"
I just took an online IQ test…
"404" sounds pretty fucking high!
Why was Ben 10 considered so powerful?
Because the previous kid was Ben Nine in comparison.
I got a job as a bullet…
I was fired immediately.
A student visits the principal’s office one day and the principal says to him, “What’s your name, son?” He replies, “D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.” The principal looks up and asks him, “Oh, do you have a stutter?”
The student replies, “No sir, my dad has a stutter, but the guy who registered my name was an asshole.”
A viking named Rudolph the Red was looking out of the window during a cloudy night…
He said to his wife, "It is going to rain, my love." His wife asked how he knew this. He responded with: "Because Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."
Why did Stalin only write in lowercase?
He was afraid of capitalism.
What’s the dumbest animal in the jungle??
A polar bear
The barman in the pub looked over at me said, “Your glass is empty. Fancy another one?” “
Why would I want two empty glasses?" I asked
Why are there no penguins in Britain?
Because they’re scared of Wales
“For God so loved the world that he sent his condom baby to whine for ‘our’ sins.”
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