Why does Dwayne Johnson sleep under a pile of magazines?
Because paper covers rock!
Gambler gets a notice from IRS that he is being audited.
The gambler calls his tax attorney and they go to see the IRS agent. As they are waiting in the office, the IRS agent looks over his paperwork and says: "The reason for your audit is that you have a relatively lavish lifestyle, but not much income to justify it, can you tell me what you do for living?" Gambler says "I am a professional gambler." "A gambler?" said the IRS agent with slightly puzzled and surprised look on his face. "Yes, I make my money by betting, would you like a demonstration?" "Sure" said the IRS agent "let's have a demonstration" "I will bet you $1,000; that I can bite my eye" said the gambler. "OK, you have a bet" replied IRS agent with a smirk on his face. The gambler pops out his glass eye and bites it. IRS agent is shocked as he did not see that coming, and he did agree to a $1,000 bet in from of gamblers attorney. "All right, all right, this was not really fair" said the gambler. "I will give you a chance to win your money back. I will bet you another $1,000 that I can bite my other eye." IRS agent looks over the guys paperwork and see that he is not legally blind and takes the bet. The gambler takes out his dentures and bites his other eye. The IRS agent is now visibly stressed and sweating for being on the hook for $2,000. "I tell you what. Double or nothing, I will stand on the edge of your desk, close my eyes and piss into the garbage can on the other side of the room without spilling a drop, what do you say?" IRS agent is a little perplex, but does not see how that would be possible and takes the bet. The gambler stands on the agents desks, unzip his pants, closes his eyes and pisses all over the agents desk. "YES!!!" exclaimed the IRS agent knowing he won the bet and does not own the gambler any money. "Ahh, shiiiit" said the attorney. "What's the matter?" asked the IRS agent. "Well, he bet me $20,000 that he will come to your office today, piss all over your desk, and you would be happy about it."
Two deers walk out of a gay bar
One turns to the other and says “Man, I can’t believe I blew thirty bucks in there”.
What starts with 0 and end with 0?
My bank account.
It’s easy to deter the ladies from eating tide pods but…
it’s more difficult to deter…gents
What so you call a letter with no friends?
Post Alone
My wife has this weird OCD where she arranges the dinner plates by the date they were bought.
It’s an extremely rare dish order.
TRUE FACT
Before the crowbar was invented, most crows drank at home.
How easy is it to get Reddit karma?
Repost a popular joke from yesterday, It’s a piece of cake.
My friends call me 007 when i play call of duty with them.
0 Kills 0 Assist 7 Deaths
Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows trend?
I hear it’s making real headlines.
Two communists are sitting on a porch in a nudist colony. One says “Have you read Marx”?
The other says “Yes, i think it’s these wicker chairs”.
Amazing… she managed to point out her and her father’s amazing ineptitude in one fell swoop.
https://ift.tt/2MvvFYh
My wife just called me and said, “Three of the girls in the office have just received some flowers for Valentines Day. They are absolutely gorgeous!”
I replied, "That's probably why they've received flowers then."
Ash used to be wood…
…but it was fired.
Do you want to know why I love this floor?
It's always been so supportive.
My mom was telling dadjokes
He laughed
So Johnny dies and goes to heaven, where god’s waiting to review his life.
God's all like "Aight, aight. I like you Johnny, I always have, always will. You helped old ladies cross the street, you donated to charities, and all in all in my professional divine opinion…. you're a stand up guy! But what the fuck's the deal with all the incest porn?" Johnny replied, " You see God, but that's just it, you fell right into my trap! You know I believed in you, which meant you knew, that I knew you were always watching! Yet you continued to watch my incest porn, time and time and again! So I ask you! What the fuck's the deal with all the incest porn?" God replied " Damn you're good"
What do gay horses eat?
Horse dick.
Im not a fan of hats…
They are too "over the top."
Shredded cheese was a great invention.
People were really grateful.
My son’s math teacher called him average
I just think he's mean
What happens when someone steals uranium
It becomes theiranium
Jack and the blonde
Jack, a handsome man, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 pm. He sat down next to this blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV as the 10:00 news came on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump. The blonde looked at Jack and said, "Do you think he'll jump?" Jack says, "You know what, I bet he will." The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't." Jack placed $30 on the bar and said, "You're on!" Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off of the building, falling to his death. The blonde was very upset and handed her $30 to Jack, saying, "Fair's fair… Here's your money." Jack replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 o'clock news and knew he would jump." The blonde replies, "I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again."
What’s Gordon Ramsey’s favorite Disney movie?
IT'S FUCKING FROZEN!!!
As a security guard, my Boss said my job is to watch the office
I’m on season 6 so far, and not sure what this has to do with security.
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef What do you call a cow that has been knighted? Sir Loin What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef Jerky What do you call a cow that dies in a helicopter crash? Kobe Beef
An american farmer visits Germany
In a rural area he comes across a small village bar. He goes in and orders himself a drink, when he notices the man next to him also looks like a farmer. "Are you a farmer?" he asks the man. "Ja, I am a farmer" the man replies. "How big is your farm?" the american enquires. "Well, roughly 20 square miles" the german answers, not knowing where this is going. "Haha, 20 square miles" the american laughs, "Thats cute, do you want to know how big my farm is? When I want to tour my whole farm and get into my car to drive around, it takes me 2 days to come back home" The german looks up from his beer and replies: "Ah yes, I had an american car once aswell"
Years ago, my Mother-in-law began reading, “The Exorcist”. She said it was the most evil book she ever read. So evil in fact, she couldn’t finish it, took it to the ocean and threw it off the pier.
I went out, but another copy, ran it under the faucet, and left it beside her bed.