Why does Greta Thunberg like r/jokes so much?
We recycle our material every fucking day.
So far, Humpty Dumpty is having a terrible winter
Which sucks because he had a great fall
My friend was found guilty of using too many commas.
The judge warned him to expect a really long sentence.
Pickup line to use at the a hairdresser…
"…excuse me miss, do you comb hair often?"
Scientists have succeeded in growing human vocal chords in a Petri dish.
The results speak for themselves!
Technically, national anthems are just country music.
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My future boss asked if i could perform under pressure.
I said "No, but I can do a great Bohemian Rhapsody"
A girl sleeps with a bunch of dudes and she’s a slut. But what’s a man who does the same thing?
Gay. Definitely at least a little gay.
Why did the submarine captain keep a barrel of potatoes in his room?
There was nothing in the world he loved more than eyes.
If I had a Nickle For every Time I was Clueless, I’d be Like
How the f*** did I get all these nickles?
People call me Mr. Compromise…
Wasn't my first choice for a nickname, but I can live with it…
Today I launched a book aimed at 9-12 year olds.
I proud to say I managed to hit one of the little shits!
What do you call a midget having an orgasm?
A shortcoming
As he inserted the rectal thermometer, I got a painfully hard and obvious erection,
"Maybe you should wait outside whilst I examine your dog," said the vet.
I want to start a new cooking show where you only get to pick one pan to use the whole time.
It will be called "Do You Have The Skillet Takes"
How did Darth Vader know what Luke was getting for Christmas?
He felt his presents.
Half of us are gonna come out of this quarantine as amazing cooks
and the other half are gonna come out with a drinking problem.
Someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick.
Seriously… How low can you go?
Two prisoners working in the laundry room on the top floor of the jail.
After a couple hours, the guard on duty steps away to use the bathroom. The one prisoner says: "Quick, this is our chance to escape. We only have a few minutes so have to work together. You rip bedsheets into strips and I'll tie them into a rope, then we can climb down through the window. The other agrees, "Got it. I sheet, you knot."
Having gay parents must be terrible
Either you have twice as many dad jokes or get stuck in an endless loop of "go ask your mother"
If you put your left shoe on the wrong foot
then it is on the right foot
How do you write a cliffhanger?
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There have been countless people criticizing Donald Trump for his delayed reaction to the Novel Coronavirus
Probably could have gotten things going a lot quicker with a picturebook Coronavirus
“Dad, the manual says it’s not a good idea to turn the stereo volume to full.”
Dad: That’s sound advice.
A little boy came running up to me and pleaded, “Please help! My daddy is in a fight!” I followed him and came across two men fighting, so I asked him, “Which one’s your dad?!”
He shouted, "I don't know! That's what they're fighting about!"
Just got to get this off my chest…. I’m getting sick and tired of people complaining about the price of things, $2.70 for coffee, $1.50 a cookie, $4.00 an hour for parking.
If I hear any more moaning.. I'm stopping inviting people to my house.
I’m opening a new gay club called “Garage Sale”
Because one man's junk is another man's treasure!
While most puns make me feel numb…
…Math puns make me feel number.
So a teenage boy asks a girl out to prom
He asks her out, and he needs to plan, so first, he needs his tuxedo. So he goes to the tuxedo shop, and there's a huge line of people there, so he waits for 30 minutes, then an hour, and he finally gets his tuxedo. Then, he needs to rent a limo, to look nice and formal and everything, so he walks into the limo rental shop, and again, there's a huge line, so he waits for 30 minutes and then an hour goes by, then 2, and he finally gets his limo. On the night of the prom, he pulls up to her house with the limo, and she gets in, and on their way to the prom building, a huge traffic jam happens! So they wait, and then 30 minutes goes by, then an hour, and they finally arrive at the building! So they walk in, take some pictures, and dance for a bit, and after a while, the girl asks, "hey can you get us some punch?" So the boy walks over to the punch bowl and guess what? There's no punchline.
My wife asked if her turn signal was working
I said "Yes. No. Yes. No."
Why did the electrician support LGBTQ people a lot?
Because he had a lot of trans sisters
An antivaxer has a heart attack. He’s rushed to ER, but during the emergency surgery, his heart stops, rendering him clinically dead.
Before he knows it, he's face to face with none other than God himself, Author of the Universe, Maker of All. God smiles beatifically and says, “Don't worry. The doctors working on you are good; you'll be back in no time. But as long as you're here, do you have any questions you'd like to ask?” The antivaxer thinks and says, “I know there must be reasons, beyond our understanding, why evil is allowed to exist. But why on Earth do you allow the evil, corrupt system of vaccines to exist?!” God shakes His head, patiently. “My child,” He says, “It is not evil to be mistaken. Which is to your benefit, because in this case, the mistake is yours. Just as so many people have tried to tell you over the years, vaccines are effective and far safer than the diseases they protect against. I give you My Word on that. Now, return, with My Peace upon you.” Suddenly, the antivaxer is staring up at the ceiling of an operating room, as his heart starts beating on its own once more. By the time he's able to receive visitors, the man is desperate to talk to his antivax friends, to let them know the vital truth he brought back from the other side. He calls them all and insisted that they be there at his side the very minute he's cleared to see anyone – he has huge, huge, HUGE news for them. Finally, his friends are gathered around him, and he motions for them to gather close. “It turns out,” he starts, “the conspiracy goes a LOT higher up than we thought…”
If laziness was an Olympic sport.
I'd come in fourth so I wouldn't have to walk up to the podium.
FREDDIE MERCURY APPEARS BEFORE BEFORE BRYAN MAY IN A PUFF OF SMOKE
STARTLED, BRYAN GASPS ,, "FREDDIE, I THOUGHT YOU WERE DEAD?" TO WHICH FREDDIE REPLIES "I WAS BUT I WAS BROUGHT BACK TO LIFE BY A VOODOO PRIEST" "VOODOO?", BRYAN ASKS,"WHATS VOODOO?" "WELL BRYAN", FREDDY SAYS, "ITS A KIND OF MAGIC!"
How many alzheimer’s patients does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
To get to the other side!
I looked across the museum hall and spotted my ex girlfriend, but I was too self conscious to say hello.
There was just too much history between us.