Why does he look like he hates his life?
When I was in Nepal I decided to eat some roadkill. I asked the chef where he got it and
He said “Himalayan on the street.”
Why did the blind girl fall into the well?
She couldn’t see that well
NEWS: Chuck Norris has coronavirus.
… for breakfast.
I’m so tired of jokes about gay people
I mean come on guys
A fighter pilot and a cargo pilot are flying around, talking shit to each other on the radio. The fighter pilot goes on about how much cooler he is than the cargo pilot and says, “Watch this, brah!” hits the afterburner, does a barrel roll and then a loop.
"Top that!" he shouts to the cargo pilot. "Ok, well watch this." says the cargo pilot. The plane just goes straight for a while. "How'd you like that?" asks the cargo pilot. The fighter pilot is confused and asks, "What did you do?" The cargo pilot replies, "I went to the galley and got myself some more coffee."
Eat a garlic clove with every meal to stop the Coronavirus
It won't do anything to protect you from getting sick, but people will stay six feet away
Underage drinking is a massive problem in my house.
My son's been drinking whisky that's only aged for two years. He's the dumbest thirteen-year-old I've ever met.
What starts with “f” and ends with “k”?
A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her more precocious students. The teacher asked, “Harry, what exactly is your problem?” Harry answered, “I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she! I think I should be in the 3rd grade, too!” Ms. Brooks finally had enough; she took Harry to the principal's office. While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the situation to the principal. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed. Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he happily agreed to take the test. Principal: “What is 3 x 3?” Harry: “9.” Principal: “What is 6 x 6?” Harry: “36.” And so it went with every question the principal thought a bright 3rd grader should know. The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, “Y’know, I reckon Harry can go to the 3rd grade.” But Ms. Brooks is still skeptical of the little bugger and says to the principal, “Not so fast, let me ask him a few questions.” The principal and Harry both agree. Ms. Brooks asks, “What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?” Harry, after a moment: “Legs.” Ms. Brooks: “What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?” The principal wondered why would she ask such a question! Harry replied: “Pockets.” to the Principal’s great relief. Ms. Brooks: “What does a dog do that a man steps into?” Harry: “Pants.” By now, the principal is sitting forward with his mouth hanging open. Ms. Brooks: “What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?” Now the principal's eyes open really wide and before he could intervene, Harry replied, “Bubble gum.” Ms. Brooks: “What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?” Harry: “Shake hands.” The principal is now trembling with apprehension as Ms. Brooks asks the last question. Ms. Brooks: “What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' and indicates a great deal of heat and excitement?” Harry: “Firetruck.” The principal breaths a huge sigh of relief and tells the teacher, “Put the little bastard in 5th Grade; I got the last seven questions wrong myself.”
How many flies does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Only 2. But the real question is, how did they get in there?
Why do fish live in salt water?
Because pepper makes them sneeze.
I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
I’ll let you know.
Why did no one say anything when the Queen farted?
Because noble gasses don’t cause a reaction
Three Logicians walk into a Bar…
The waitress asks: "Does everyone want beer?" The first logician replies: "I don't know." The second logician says: "I don't know." Finally, the third logician answers: "YES, we all want beer!"
When does a joke become a Dad Joke ?
When it's fully groan.
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home.
I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
My dentist removed the wrong tooth.
It was accidental.
What is the difference between a Joe Biden speech and a Donald Trump speech?
When Biden is speaking you wonder if he's had a stroke. When Trump is speaking you wonder if you've had a stroke.
When the dev team has to find a critical PROD bug without repro steps from tester
https://ift.tt/2UNKGsJ
Did you know there are no canaries on the Canary Islands? Same as with the Virgin Islands…
No canaries there either.
Three guys get stranded on an island where a cannibal tribe lives.
The tribe tells each of them that they’ll let them live if they each go find 10 fruits each, so the guys split up to go find some fruits. The 1st guy comes back with apples and then the cannibal tribe tells him another part to the deal. “You have to put all ten up your butt without making a noise or we’ll execute you.” The man had no choice, so he starts putting the apples up his buy and gets to 4 before the pain is too much and he screams. The tribe executed him. The 2nd guy comes back with berries. They tell him the same thing. He gets to 9 and is about to put the 10th in when he starts laughing hysterically. Executed. The 1st and the 2nd guy are in the afterlife talking. The 1st says to the 2nd, “Why’d you laugh? You were so close?” And the 2nd guy says “Well, I saw the third and he had pineapples.”
A zoo just had several break-ins and many animals are now running around loose in the park. In today’s meeting however, management was only concerned about discussing changes to the gift shop…
I'm not sure why we're not addressing the elephant in the room…
Webster’s dictionary recently changed the spelling of Aquarius to “Ahquarius.”
This is the donning of the "h" of Ahquarius.
I found out why flamingos stand with one leg pulled up.
If they pulled up both legs they would fall over.
A bad workman always blames his fools…
Tools!! I meant tools!! Stupid keyboard…
My son told me he can’t go to school because he’s constipated
I think he's full of shit
Doctor: your brain fell out during the accident but don’t worry I put it back in
Me: thanks for reminding me
How do you get to the weight room at Hogwarts?
Through the Dumbell door
You’ve got to hand it to blind prostitutes…
….no seriously, you’ve got to.
I asked the hairdresser to cut my hair like Elvis.
Stupid bastard started dancing around the shop.
I bought a dog off a blacksmith today….
As soon as I got it home it made a bolt for the door.
Spiderman saves the day with help of a sad joke.
https://ift.tt/32dkF7K
I tied two Disney DVDs with strings and placed it inside the freezer.
It's Tangled and Frozen.
A lion never cheats on their wife
But a Tiger Wood.