Why does it take a pirate so long to learn the alphabet?
Because he spends years at C!
I just can’t part with it
“Why, is there one missing?”
That I came to the door naked or that I knew where he lived
and holds up two fingers exclaiming "Five beers please!"…
I replied the chances of two serial killers being in the same car are astronomical.
What’s up with dat!?
The doctors described his condition as stable.
Ted Singin and Dancin
Cause every time someone walked in I'd say "get a load of this guy"
I was visiting my pregnant friend at the hospital, and the only parking spot I could find was in the C section.
I had to climb out of the sunroof.
"I only have my shelf to blame…"
50 Cent ft. Nickelback
A Man goes to a prostitute and asks for a blow job. She says it'll be $150. He says "what can I get for $50?" "A penguin." He didn't know what a penguin was, but it was a bargain. He agrees and she pulls his pants and underwear to his ankles and begins to blow him. After a few minutes without a word, she stops what she's doing, stands up and walks away. The man, pants still around his ankles, begins waddling after her, "Hey what's a penguin??!!"
Because nothing gets under their skin.
Because mummy said the moment you croak is when we're all going to Disneyland!
As he walks through the woods he comes across a small cabin. He goes up to the cabin and knocks on the door. An old Chinese man opens it. “I’m lost in the woods and I need somewhere to stay for the night,” the man said. “Can I please stay here?” “Sure,” said the Chinese man. “But as long as you don’t lay a finger on my daughter. If you do, I’ll give you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man. The man agreed to the Chinese man’s conditions. However when it was time for dinner the daughter came downstairs and he saw how beautiful she was. “This old Chinese guy will never find out,” the man thought to himself. So that night the man went to the Chinese man’s daughter’s room and they had mad passionate sex. The next day the man woke up and there was a huge rock on his chest. There was a sign on it that said “Chinese torture number 1: Rock on chest.” The man laughed and though to himself “Is this really the worst Chinese torture?” He then threw the rock out the window and started to walk towards the bedroom door and then he stopped when he saw the sign on it. It said “Chinese torture number 2: Rock tied to right testicle.” The man started to panic. He decided to jump out the window with the rock because a few broken bones is better than a castration. As he fell out the window, he saw a sign in the ground. It said “Chinese torture number 3: left testicle tied to bedpost.”
but it's certainly up there.
Remains to be seen.
He said only thyme would tell.
People cancel everything and rearrange their entire lives just for three inches coming fast.
On one hand, I have fingers. On the other hand, I don’t.
Nevermind it's tearable.
Kicked out of the petting zoo
He still can't say "please" though, which I think is poor for four.
But on the plus side,…it still works.
Yeah, like I'm falling for that
…I only drive it from time to time.
To see a chicken strip.
No text found
Dad: No whey
At the end of it, the person that ran the course said, "Ok, buddy, so for the week you owe me…£380." "I refuse to pay," I told him. "You have to," he insisted. "Well then, you'll have to fight me for it." So we fought, and he absolutely battered me. Left me bloody, bruised and beaten. He said, "£380. Cough it up." "No," I told him, wiping my lip. "Because it was clearly a waste of money."
I wanted a squirter. Or a screamer. Or even a moaner. But no. A sweater.
He said I had athlete's foot. I've only been training for 3 days so didn't think anyone would notice
Lay hee hoo