Why does seaguls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay, they would be bagels.
When I was a child I had a condition where I had to eat mud three times a day in order to survive…
It’s lucky my older brother told me about it, really.
A vegan said to me, “People who sell meat are disgusting.”
I said, "People who sell vegetables and fruits are grocer."
Why don’t blind people go skydiving?
It scares the hell out of the dog.
I was accused of being a plagiarist.
Their words, not mine.
A bar walks into Albert Einstein.
Oops, wrong frame of reference.
NSFW Back in the 1990’s, a baby boy was born without eyelids.
His parents go to a plastic surgeon and the surgeon finds out the boy hasn’t been circumcised yet. The foreskin has nearly the same tissue as the eyelids, so the surgeon suggests a procedure using the baby’s foreskin to fix this problem. Ecstatic, the parents agree. After a few hours of surgery, it was a success! The boy is fine now, he’s just a little cock-eyed.
Why did the Mexican take a Xanax?
For Hispanic attacks
How did the cannabis propose?
Marriage you wanna?
I hate insomnia, it’s a horrible condition
I'm losing sleep over it. On the plus side, it's only 3 more sleeps until Christmas
The first Karen to get sick was..
Impatient Zero
A man is lost in the woods and it is getting dark.
As he walks through the woods he comes across a small cabin. He goes up to the cabin and knocks on the door. An old Chinese man opens it. “I’m lost in the woods and I need somewhere to stay for the night,” the man said. “Can I please stay here?” “Sure,” said the Chinese man. “But as long as you don’t lay a finger on my daughter. If you do, I’ll give you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man. The man agreed to the Chinese man’s conditions. However when it was time for dinner the daughter came downstairs and he saw how beautiful she was. “This old Chinese guy will never find out,” the man thought to himself. So that night the man went to the Chinese man’s daughter’s room and they had mad passionate sex. The next day the man woke up and there was a huge rock on his chest. There was a sign on it that said “Chinese torture number 1: Rock on chest.” The man laughed and though to himself “Is this really the worst Chinese torture?” He then threw the rock out the window and started to walk towards the bedroom door and then he stopped when he saw the sign on it. It said “Chinese torture number 2: Rock tied to right testicle.” The man started to panic. He decided to jump out the window with the rock because a few broken bones is better than a castration. As he fell out the window, he saw a sign in the ground. It said “Chinese torture number 3: left testicle tied to bedpost.”
I have a bunch of jokes about people who are unemployed.
But none of them work.
I’ve decided to sell my roomba,
It was just collecting dust anyway.
Since it started snowing, all my grandma has done is stare through the window.
If it gets any worse ill need to let her back in.
Why did the can crusher quit his job?
Because it was soda pressing.
Whether you acknowledge it or not, it’s still true. Like… creation vs. evolution.
https://ift.tt/3aCVqAn
I for one like Roman numerals.
No text found
Personally, I don’t believe in bros before hoes, or hoes before bros. There needs to be a balance.
A homie-hoe-stasis, if you will.
A lumberjack went in to a magic forest to cut a tree. Upon arrival, he started to swing at the tree, when it shouted, “Wait! I’m a talking tree!”
The lumberjack grinned and said: “And you will dialogue.”
Imagine if Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight…
There would be mass confusion.
I thought my son was spending way too much time playing computer games, so I stopped him and said, “Son, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace.”
He considered that for a moment before replying, "Yeah, well, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was The President of the United States."
Why is the letter “C” afraid of the rest of the alphabet?
Because all the other letters are Not-Cs
I’ll never forget my Uncle’s last words to me just before he died.
"Are you still holding the ladder?"
Two jumper cables walk into a bar
The bartender goes, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything!"
Last night my date asked, “So how come you haven’t already been snapped up?” I replied, “I’ve been married before, but it didn’t work out. She said I was far too inattentive.”
"Oh, that's so sad! Did you have any kids?" "Probably."
I walked into my girlfriends bedroom yesterday without knocking.
As I walked in I heard her whisper to herself “I’m ugly.” I responded “I’m pregnant.” She was confused so I confessed, “I thought we were saying things the were impossible.”
I’m bad at two things: telling jokes, and not getting angry while waiting in queue at orgies…
But I keep punching up the fuck line.
A friend told me that he doesn’t understand how cloning works.
I told him, “That makes two of us.”
