Why does the Norway navy have barcodes on all of their ships?
So when they come back to port, they can scandanavian
If Snoop Dogg dies before pot becomes legal in the US, ….
He will be rolling in his grave.
A stormtrooper walks into a bar and orders a martini
The bartender asks while handing the stormtrooper his drink, "Shouldn't you not be drinking on the job?" The stormtrooper arches his eyebrow, "And hit what I'm aiming for?"
My friend with the lazy eye just lost his job as a teacher.
He had a real hard time controlling his pupils.
Mars: I’m wet.
NASA: I’m coming over.
She was a bad egg
She was a bad egg
My friend can’t afford to pay his water bill anymore.
So I sent him a card, “Get well soon.”
A lawyer gets pulled over by a police officer
The officer asks the lawyer "Do you know why I pulled you over?" "I haven't the foggiest idea," said the lawyer. The officer replied, "You didn't make a full stop at the stop sign back there. You only slowed down." The lawyer thinks for a few seconds then says, "If you can prove to me the difference between stopping and slowing down, I'll take full responsibility. Otherwise, you let me off with a warning. Sound fair?" The officer ponders it shortly before nodding his head. "Sounds fair. Can you step out of the car please?" Just as the lawyer steps out and shuts the car door, the officer pulls out his baton and starts beating the lawyer. After a few swings, the officer says, "Now, would you like me to stop or slow down?"
How do you make a pheromone?
Tell him to let your people go.
One more secret Trump is trying to keep: How much are taxpayers paying for his vacations
https://ift.tt/2NaNL34
I finally got myself a girlfriend!
I wish I could post this in another subreddit…
I just lost my mood ring
I can’t tell you how I feel about it
“You look like a guy I dated once,” said this woman in a bar.
I said, "Oh…really?" She said, "Yeah. I didn't see him a second time because I thought he was ugly."
A woman dies and goes to the gates of heaven.
When she gets there, she is perplexed and confused to find everyone furiously cracking eggs, dumping flour, and mixing batter. She turns around and sees an entire section dedicated to decoration, with elaborate concoctions of strawberries, frosting, and tiering at every station. Finally, she seems to recognize someone who appears to be in charge. She runs over and asks the man, "what is going on here?" The strange man replies, "everyone here is doing their best to better their souls." Confused at the cryptic answer and curious about the strange man's traditional Mongolian garb, the woman asks him to elaborate. The Buddhist Monk replies, "my dear, having cake is the best way to gain Karma."
Earlier, I was driving behind an ambulance when a cooler fell off the back. I stopped and opened it up to find a foot inside..
So I decided to call a toe-truck.
Today, I saw a midget prisoner climbing down a wall.
As he turned and sneered at me, I thought, "that's a little condescending."
I made a graph for my past relationships.
It has an ex-axis and a why-axis.
Ever heard of the group of religious cannibals?
In Sundays they eat fishermen.
I got a temporary tattoo
Yesterday I went to a temporary tattoo parlour and got a tattoo. But it wouldn’t wash off this morning, so I went back to complain. But the tattoo parlour wasn’t there.
George W. Bush, Barack Obama and Donald Trump have died and face God…
God asks Bush, "What do you believe in?" Bush: "I believe in free trade, a strong America, the nation." God is impressed: "Come to my right." God turns to Obama: "What do you believe in?" Obama: "I believe in democracy, in helping the poor, in world peace." God is very impressed and says, "Sit down to my left." Then he asks Trump, "What do you think?" Trump: "I think you're sitting in my chair."
North Koreans believe they live in the best country in the whole world, because they’re brainwashed by the government and the media…
But every American knows that America is really the best country in the world!
They say pineapple juice makes your cum taste better.
But for me, it just ruins the pineapple juice.
They’ve been making music for longer than I thought
They’ve been making music for longer than I thought
Did you hear about the guy who was handing out awards to couples that cheat?
He was medaling in other people’s affairs.
A black kid pulls the flour over his head.
A black kid walks into the kitchen where his mother is baking and accidentally pulls the flour over onto his head. He turns to his mother and says, "Look Mama, I'm a white boy!" His mother smacks him and says, "Go to your Daddy and say wbat you just said!" The boy finds his father and says, "Look Daddy, I'm a white boy!" His Daddy bends him over, spanks him, stands the boy back up, and says, "Now what do you have to say about yourself?" The boy replies, "I've only been a white boy for five minutes and I already hate you black people!"
Why is a priests favourite number 3.14?
Because they are very pi-ous
I just bought a border collie.
The one I already had wasn't bored enough.
I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too High
She looked surprised.
They say that Christmas is a Pagan holiday, but…
A senior figure secretly dispensing the contents of his sack for every child he can get to sounds pretty Catholic to me.
(NSFW) I just heard a joke about Oedipus and Midas
It was Motherfucking Gold.
I was telling jokes about nuts and bolts
But then I screwed up.
I’m honestly getting concerned when thinking about this.
I’m honestly getting concerned when thinking about this.
My wife says if this post gets over 1000 upvotes than I can get anal.
Please upvote because I want to remove every spot from this house
My friend says he’s a compulsive liar…
I don’t believe him.
I’ve recently got a job making chess pieces.
I'm currently working knights.
Why are skeletons so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
I’m reading a book about the history of glue.
I just can't seem to put it down.