Why does the Norway Navy have barcodes on the side of their ships?
So when they come back they can Scandinavian.
A guy walks into the bar of a restaurant and goes to the bartender and asks “How much for a beer?”
The bartender replies "Free". The customer, completely amazed, orders a beer then asks the bartender "Well then how much for a NY sirloin, with side of mashed potatoes and salad, and an entire cheesecake for desert?" The Bartender replies "Free". The guy, still amazed, then orders everything and after he is done eating his meal, then says "Wow, this place is amazing, I really wish I could meet the owner of this place". The bartender then says "Oh well, he's upstairs in his office with my wife". The guy looks all confused, then asks "What is he doing upstairs in his office with your wife?" The bartender then says "The same thing I'm doing to his business".
I n t i
Thanks, Earth doctor
Bricks are the happiest construction materials.
They're always getting laid.
Translation: Oh, I can see youre also pretty lonely
I accidentally swallowed a bunch of Scrabble tiles.
My next trip to the bathroom could spell disaster.
The absolute state of our country
you like to move it
Modern Music Bad
Why was Ben 10 considered so powerful?
Because the previous kid was Ben Nine in comparison.
Is this what we’ve become as a society?
ANOTHER MILESTONE ACHIEVED IN THIS GREAT PRESIDENCY. SO MUCH WINNING! ☣🇺🇸🥇
We have a unsigned 8-bit genie here
Biden says that the devil’s lettuce may be a gateway drug…
Where are my electricians at??
It’s OK little guy, come to papa.
From a Boomer friend’s Facebook.
The sex position formerly known as 69 is now called 96.
Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has gone up.
So I found this lying around and forgot to put it up earlier, here you go
Yesterday one of my good friends told me I often make people uncomfortable by violating their personal space.
It was an incredibly hurtful thing to say and completely ruined our bath.
Boomer shit + 5G meme? They’re evolving
Sign of the times
Oh god please not #4
It keeps working
Head on the clouds
Wife good???? (no, she bad)
WOW this is sad 😂😂
Wife: I’m pregnant
Dad: Hi pregnant, i'm Dad Wife: No you're not
What happens when you get a bladder infection?
if you CONCENTRATE, you’ll get this
Remember crying as a kid and your parents told you ‘I’ll give you something to cry about!’
and you expected a beating but instead they just ruined the housing market?
A man sees a lady in a bar with a large bosom…
He asks, "Excuse me, can I bite your tits for a thousand dollars?" She says, "Hell yea!" So they go to a secluded corner, and she opens her blouse. The man puts his face in her tits for nearly five minutes. Eventually the lady asks, "Aren't you gonna bite them?" He says, "Nah, it's too expensive."
how programming languages got their names
Bernie off the top rope!
I shaved a hedgehog once
It was pointless
A leaf and an emo fall from a tree. Who hits the ground first?
The leaf. The rope stopped the emo.
[interesting and funny title]
My car really whips the llama’s ass! (excuse the dirt, it rained a bit this morning)
Which one do you think is better?
An actual answer my Prof wrote down
staying dry when it rains
Miss you py2.
A woman asked an Army General when the last time he had made love to a woman.
The General replied "1956, ma'am." The woman, in disbelief, said "1956?! That long? Come with me and let me make your night better." The woman and General went back to her apartment and made passionate love for over an hour. Afterwards, the woman cuddled up to the General and said "Well, you sure haven't forgotten anything since 1956…" The General looked at her, confused, and replied "I sure hope not, it's only 2130 now."
My boss yelled at me the other day, “You’ve got to be the worst train driver in history. How many trains did you derail last year?”
I said, "Can’t say for sure, it’s so hard to keep track!"
From my wfh training
Senior developers be like
Today I thought of a color that doesn’t exist…
but then I realized it was just a pigment of my imagination.
Americans are only selectively against socialism…
Common sense is like AIDS.
Some are born with it while others have to get it pounded into them.
Sometimes it only takes going to lunch …
Who was that idiot person???!!!!
My lesbian neighbors gave me a Rolex for my birthday.
I guess they misunderstood me when I said I wanna watch.
A guy thought his wife was cheating on him. He waited for her to leave that night and jumped in a cab to follow her. By following her, he found out she was working in a whore house. The guy says to the cabbie, "Wanna make a $100?" The cabbie says, "Sure, what do I have to do?" The guy replies that all the cabbie has to do is go inside the whore house, grab his wife, put her in the back of the cab, and take them home. The cabbie goes in. A couple of minutes later, the whore house door gets kicked open, and the cabbie starts dragging out this woman who is kicking, biting, punching, and fighting all the way to the cab. The cabbie opens the door to the cab, throws the girl inside, and tells the man, "Here! Hold her!" The man looks down at the girl and yells to the cabbie, "THIS AIN'T MY WIFE!" The cabbie replied, "I KNOW. IT'S MINE… I'M GOING BACK IN FOR YOURS!"
I’ve saw this on Facebook.. of course
PHONES BAD, TECHNOLOGY BAD
I got drunk and drew up a graph showing all of the relationships I’ve ever had.
It had an ex axis, and a why axis.
Give that anti-vaxxer in your life something special this holiday!
I started a business building Yachts in my attic
Sails are through the roof.
Leave the donkey out of this.
Murdered by Facts
Level of madlad: 100
How do pickles celebrate their cake day?
They relish the moment.
A farmer was picking apples when he heard a noise from his pond. He walks over and sees three young women skinny dipping.
They notice him and crouch in the water up to their shoulders. “Go away! Stop spying on us!” The farmer says “Sorry ladies, but I didn’t come out here to see you naked.” Holding up his apple bucket he says “I came to feed the alligator.”
Weinstein didn’t kill himself
Sorry just practicing
You all know the outcome
An older, white haired man walked into a jewellery store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.
The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him. The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something very special." At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000", the jeweler said. The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it." The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, by cheque. "I know you need to make sure my cheque is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said. Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man. "There's no money in that account." "I know", said the old man, "but can you imagine the weekend I had?"
I recently went to my Mom and Dad’s house for a visit.
There was an old picture hanging on the wall of me and my Brothers. It turns out that when the picture was taken, I was living in a completely different frame of mind.