Why does the superhero shred his cheese?
For the grater good.
Just made this up in the kitchen and got an eye roll from my wife, so I figured it was good to post, even if it is a bit cheesy.
Biker joke
While riding my Harley, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control, and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head. Dazed and confused, I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful woman behind the wheel who asked, "Are you okay?" As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low-cut blouse with cleavage to die for… "I'm okay, I think," I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look. She said, "Get in and I'll take you home, so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head." "That's nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife will like me doing that…" "Oh, come now, I'm a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly." Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this…" We arrived at her place which was just few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better, but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now." "Don't be silly!" she said with a smile. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?" "Still in the ditch, I guess."
When I was in high school, my dad f*cked my teacher repeatedly for better grades in my math class.
Thank god im homeschooled or that could have been wierd
Why can’t a nose be 12 inches long?
Then it would be a foot.
BC now stands for “Before Coronavirus”
and AD is now "After Distancing" Welcome to the new dark ages
what do you call an acid with an attitude?
A-mean-o-acid 😂.
I’ve just been diagnosed as color blind
It really came out of the purple
I call my penis ‘The Truth’.
Sometimes it hurts and most women can't handle it.
How warm is a baby just before their birth?
Womb temperature
Commas can really change the meaning of a sentence.
For example: Ben is in a hurry. Vs Ben is in a comma
In honor of Trump’s birthday, here’s a portrait of America’s last great president.
https://ift.tt/2XZEgJO
A crow was arrested an put behind bars.
His lawyer, a lawyer bird obviously, visited him. "How bad is it?" The crow asked. "Pretty bad." The lawyer bird replied. "They had a warrant to go through your phone." "So what?" The crow said. "I've got nothing to hide." "They found the texts to your friends." The lawyer bird said. "So now it's a crime to ask my fellow crows to hang?" The crow exclaimed. "They were all to busy anyway" "You're lucky they were." The lawyer bird replied "They've got you on attempted murder!"
Why did 7 eat 9 ?
it’s recommended to eat 3 squared meals a day
A young Irish girl goes to confession…
…and says, “Bless me Father, for I have sinned. The priest replies, “Go ahead, my child.” “Well”, she says, “Last night I made love to me boyfriend… FIVE TIMES! And it was GLORIOUS, Father. He made me tingle all over, and I swear it was as though I was seein’ the stars in my passion. And, I think I may have wailed like a banshee. More than once. And me legs was all wibbly wobbly, even the next mornin’. But, I know that makin’ love to me boyfriend before marriage is a sin, and I’ve come seekin’ absolution. The priest sits back, rubs his forehead, and looks at the young lass and says, “Right. What I need for you to do is go down to Mr. O’Malley’s market and get four good sized lemons. Go home, cut them in half, and squeeze the juice into a nice tall glass and drink in down straight away.” The girl looks at the priest with a confused look and asks, “ Will that absolve me of me sin, Father?” “NO, but it’ll wipe the smile off yer face!”
We should’ve known communism would fail.
There were so many red flags.
How do you cut the ocean in half?
Use a sea saw.
Color Blind
I have recently been diagnosed with color blindness. It really came out of the purple. Don’t hurt me.
Some people are really worried about getting trapped in a cave full of minerals
but to me that's just a minor problem
Jon Cooper, Chairman of the Democratic Coalition, getting Donnie together on Twitter.
https://ift.tt/2O8FFsJ
I hear balloon prices are up
It’s due to inflation
It will look terrible until you start getting used to it, then anything new you get will look terrible again.
It will look terrible until you start getting used to it, then anything new you get will look terrible again.
Thank god this guy is going to have sex with a billionaire actress half his age.
https://ift.tt/2yRNP3u
A Jewish father was very troubled by the way his son turned out and went to see his rabbi about it.
“Rabbi, I brought him up in the faith, gave him a very expensive Bar Mitzvah and it cost me a fortune to educate him. Then he tells me last week, he’s decided to be a Christian. Rabbi, where did I go wrong?” The rabbi strokes his beard and says, “Funny you should come to me. I too, brought up my son as a boy of faith, sent him to university and it cost me a fortune and then one day he comes to me and tells me he wants to be a Christian.” “What did you do?” asked the man of the rabbi. “I turned to God for the answer,” replied the rabbi. “What did he say?” asked the man. He said, “Funny you should come to me…”
I’m so happy its tick season soon…
I enjoy a little Lyme with my Corona
What do you call a cheap circumsision?
A rip off.
Did you hear about the mechanic that was caught having sex with car parts?
He got off with a suspension.
Bobby had sex with a teacher.
Little Bobby came home from school and proudly announced to his Mom, " I had sex with a teacher today." Mom's infuriated. "Boy, get your ass up to your bedroom. Your father can take care of this when he gets home." When Dad arrives, Mom explains the situation, and Dad, feigning anger, rushes upstairs slamming doors. Charging into his son's room, he exclaims loudly, "Boy, what the hell have you been up to?!?" Then in a whisper, "Hell yeah, son. High five. Got any questions for the old man?" To which, little Bobby replied, " Yeah, Dad. How much longer is my butt gonna hurt?"
How do you tell the sex of an ant?
Put it in water If it sinks girl ant If it floats boyant
How does Harry Potter get down hill?
Walking! JK Rolling!
As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field.
But hay, it’s in my jeans.
People say vegans are annoying
But I've never had any beef with them.
My girlfriend is so smart
Once I forgot to bring my phone when I went out for the day. I borrowed my friend's phone to call her. She answered "What's up baby?" She is so smart she knew I was the one calling her. Edit: it's my cake day!
Its getting too hot to wear a suit
The weather just isn't suitable
I hate it when people confuse one social media for another
Edit: Thanks for the likes