Why does the Swedish Navy have bar codes on their ship?
So when they come back to port they can Scandinavian.
What’s a great example of click bait?
No text found
They’re banning phones in my school, my teacher was laughing her ass off at this
https://ift.tt/2TTqdCz
I got banned from the secret cooking society…
For spilling the beans.
My girlfriend makes me want to become a better person.
Mostly so I can get a better girlfriend.
I saw my dwarf neighbor at a bus stop
"Jump in, I'll give you a lift home" I said. "Fuck off" he shouted back. "What an ungrateful little cunt" I thought as I zipped my backpack and continued my walk.
A mother and father took their 6-year-old son to a nude beach.
As the boy walked along the beach, he noticed that some of the ladies had boobs bigger than his mother's, and asked her why. She told her son, "The bigger they are the dumber the person is." The boy pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger "units" than his dad. His mother replied, "The bigger they are the dumber the person is." Again satisfied with this answer, the boy returns to the ocean to play. Shortly after, the boy returned again. He promptly told his mother, "Daddy is talking to the dumbest girl on the beach, and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets."
I’m not a one trick pony
I know multiple tricks, and I’m not a pony
What country never wins or loses
Thailand.( Credit to my brothers who dosent use reddit).
Today I learned: The writer Stephen King has a son named Joe.
I’m not joking, but he is.
Doctor: “Relax Steven, relax. Everything is gonna be alright.”
Patient: "But doctor, I am not Steven. My name is Mike." Doctor: "I know, I am Steven."
After my wide died, I couldn’t look at another woman for 18 years
But when i got out of prison, it was totally worth it
I am dad now
This just happened at the dinner table. My Dad was talking about how he got up very early for work. The conversation went like this: Dad: “Man, I woke up way too early this morning and it completely threw me out of sync.” Me: “Well, why were you sleeping in the sink?” My Mom rolled her eyes. I am Dad now.
Why are Apple stores hypocritical?
Because to construct them, you need to install windows
Did you hear about the actor that fell through the floor boards?
Don't worry, he was just going through a stage.
I named my overweight cat Kelvin
Because he is an absolute unit.
The wife and I decided we don’t want children.
We're telling them tomorrow.
A priest, an imam and a rabbit walk into a blood bank
The rabbit says : I think I might be a type O.
Me: *slapping my older brother in the face with his own hand*
Me: stop hitting yourself haha, why do you keep hitting yourself Sister-in-law: crying is this why you wanted an open casket
The guy who invented throat lozenges died last week.
There was no coffin at the funeral.
I feel like a battery
because I am not included in anything 🙁
Did you hear about the recent race to send a cow to space?
The steaks will be higher than ever
Jeff Bezos is getting divorced
He must have realised that marriage counted as a union
Poor old man…
“Poor Old fool,” thought the well-dressed gentleman as he watched an old man fish in a puddle outside a pub. So he invited the old man inside for a drink. As they sipped their whiskeys, the gentleman thought he’d humor the old man and asked, “So how many have you caught today?” The old man replied, “You’re the eighth.”
Life cycle of the male sex drive
Age 16-32 : Tri-weekly Ages 32-55: Try-weekly Over 55: Try-weakly
You know you’ve done something wrong when your computer starts REEEEEEEing at you
https://ift.tt/34on0i2
What did the rooster do to impress the hen?
He wrote poultry for her.
I’m looking to sell my DeLorean
Good condition, only driven from time to time
How do you catch a Polar Bear?
Well, first you need a nice ice fishing spot and some peas. Once you have those, you cut a hole in the ice, then make a trail of peas leading away from it. So, when the polar bear goes to take pea, you kick it in the ice hole!
Let me summarize 2018 in four words for you:
Two thousand and eighteen.
