Why does Waldo wear stripes?
He doesn't like to be spotted.
What would a boner at a funeral be called?
Mourning wood
What does sex and bungee jumping have in common?
The thrill only lasts about 30 seconds,and if the rubber breaks, you're screwed.
My grandfather told me that he saw the Titanic. He warned everyone that it would sink but nobody would listen.
He told people a few more times and then he was kicked out of the cinema.
Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk?
The stock market.
Why is “the mall” called “the mall?”
Because you don't just shop at one store, you shop at THEM-ALL
One day a 12-year-old boy was walking down the street when a car pulled up beside him and the driver lowered a window.
"I’ll give you a large bag of M&Ms if you get in the car," said the driver. "No way! Get lost!" replied the boy. "How about a bag of M&Ms and 10 dollars?" the driver asked. "I said no way," replied the boy. "What about a bag of M&Ms and 50 dollars?" asked the driver. "No, I’m not getting in the car," answered the boy. "Okay, I’ll give you a bag of M&Ms and 100 dollars," the driver offered. "No!" replied the boy. "What will it take to get you in the car?" asked the driver. The boy replied: "Listen, Dad, you bought the Prius, you live with it!"
I was mugged by 6 dwarves last night.
Not Happy.
I watched a great documentary on beavers this weekend.
Best dam thing I’ve watched in a while.
My wife left me when I became a contortionist.
I should be sad, but I'm knot.
Me: Mom meet my girlfriend.
Mom: You sure about this? I think you deserve better. Me: But mom, I love her so much! Mom: I'm talking to her.
I wrote the names of everyone I’ve unfriended onto a piece of paper;
but my roommate took it and rolled it into a joint. Now he’s high on my list of people I never want to see again.
I don’t like doing spring cleaning
Damn things bounce all over the place
“I just urinated on a pregnancy test,” said my girlfriend. “I’m pregnant.”
"Are you going to keep it?" I asked. She said, "No, it stinks like wee."
A bloke bumped in to me on the tube the other day and said, “Remember Leonardo Di Caprio.”
Then the same fella followed me home from the pub and said, "Remember Leonardo Di Caprio." Things then got out of hand when he tapped on my window at 11.30 that night and said, "Remember Leonardo Di Caprio." I thought, "That's it, I'm going to the Police." I told the officer I was being stalked and he asked if I could tell him anything about the man. I said, "Yes, he reminds me of Leonardo Di Caprio."
The blowjob confession.
A Catholic man is waiting in a practically empty church to give confession when the priest jumps out of the booth and tells him he has to go to the bathroom and asks him if he can take over. There is a cheat sheet on Hail Marys and Our Fathers for each of the sins and all he has to do is read them off. The man agrees and takes a few confessions reading off the list when a woman comes in and says she has cheated on her husband and given a blowjob to another man. He searches the list and can’t find the penance for a blowjob. He pops out of the confessional and asks an alter boy “quick, what does the priest give for a blowjob?” The Alter boy says “2 candy bars and a coke.
Sure, a library is the place to find a lot of books to read from
But it's the tallest buildings that have the most stories
Was once asked on a job interview if I could perform under pressure.
Me: Well I don't know about that, but I'll give Bohemian Rhapsody a try.
Whats 12 inches long and hangs in front of an asshole?
My bosses tie
I recently took a pole
I found out that 100% of people in the tent were mad when it collapsed.
Why do fish live in salt water?
Because pepper makes them sneeze.
Why can’t pencils move?
Because they are stationery I am not sorry I will be glad if i make at least a few people smile
The urge to sing “the lion sleeps tonight” may come any time
It's just a whim away, a whim away, a whim away, a whim away
My Asian roommate says I have schizophrenia.
Jokes on him, I don't have a roommate.
Me: Is this birdcage made out of nickel?
Pet Shop Worker: No, I think its aluminium Me: So there's no nickel in this cage? PSW: Don't do it Me: It's a nickeless cage PSW: LEAVE!
My grandfather’s broken watch is as relevant to my family today as it was to him 50 years ago.
It’s a timeless piece, really.
Have you ever tried eating a clock?
It's really time consuming. Especially if you go for seconds.
I wa robbed by six dwarves today.
Not Happy.
Top tier dad joke
Therapist: Your wife says you never buy her flowers is that true? Dad: To be honest, i never knew she sold flowers.
What does a magician say when hiding a dead body?
Abracadaver!
Son: “Dad, did you know that in some cultures, you don’t get to know your wife until after your married?”
Dad: “Son, it’s that way in every culture.”
My staircase was getting a lot of buzz, then it blew up
It’s gone spiral
My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60
Now he's 97 years old and we have no idea where the hell he is
What has three legs and four arms?
My son's shit drawing of a snake.
Told a girl to text me when she got home.
She must be homeless.
How did the farmer find his daughter?
He tractor
I saw my son reading Fahrenheit 451, and I asked him whether he liked it.
He said, “Its pretty lit.”
Where does King T’Challa live?
In a Wacondo. My son and I just came up with that joke, driving past Disneyworld.
If I had a dime for every time I didn’t understand what’s going on,
I'd be like: "Why y'all keep giving me all these dimes?"