Why doesn’t anybody in Antarctica have covid?
Because they are ice-o-lating
Fuckin Bizarro World….
It always happens!
My 16 year old son was in the kitchen baking up a storm when my wife came downstairs. “What are you doing?” she asked him. “I’m going to have a bake sale to buy a car,” he answered. “Where on earth did you get that idea? We’re in a pandemic! No one is going to buy baked goods!” He said…
"I heard on Reddit that you need cake to get the car, ma."
I hate it when people confuse one social media for another
Edit: Thanks for the likes
Why was Han Solo crying at the dinner table?
Because the meat was Chewie.
Caught in a Lie….Again 🤦🏾♀️
Mother earth is literally getting hotter
A Chinese man decided to retire and move to America after years of living in Shanghai.
A few days after moving in, the friendly American neighbor decides to go across and welcome the new guy. He goes next door but on his way up the drive-way he sees the Chinese man running around his front yard chasing about 10 hens. Not wanting to interrupt, he decides to put the welcome on hold for the day. The next day, he decides to try again, but just as he is about to knock on the front door, he looks through the window and sees the Chinese man urinate into a glass and then drink it. Not wanting to interrupt he decides to put the welcome on hold for yet another day. A day later he decides to give it one last go, but on his way next door, he sees the Chinese man leading a bull down the drive-way, and then put his left ear next to the bull’s butt. The American can’t handle this, so he goes up to the Chinese man and says, “dude, what the hell is it with you? I come over to welcome you to the neighborhood, and see you running around the yard after hens. The next day you are pissing in a glass and drinking it, and then today you have your head so close to that bull’s butt, it could just about shit on you.” The Chinese man is very taken back and says, “Sorry sir, you no understand, these no Chinese customs I doing, these American customs.” “What do you mean? Those aren’t American customs.” “Yes they are,” Chinese replied. “Man at travel agent tell me to become true American, I must learn to chase chicks, get piss drunk, and listen to bullshit.”
“Ya I wrote this module myself…”
Once there were four business men. They were sitting on a bench in a hospital waiting room because their wives were having babies.
A nurse comes over and says to the first businessman, "Congratulations! Your wife had a baby." The man says, "What a coincidence! I'm the president of And1!" The nurse goes away. Then the nurse comes back and says to the second businessman, "Congratulations! Your wife had twins!" The man says, "What a coincidence! I'm the owner of the Minnesota Twins!" The nurse goes away. The nurse comes back and says to the third businessman, "Congratulations! Your wife had triplets!" The man says, "What a coincidence! I work for Triple Crown!" The nurse goes away. The nurse comes back and sees the fourth businessman alone on the bench crying. She asks, "Why are you crying"? The man replies, "I work for Seven Up."
An older man walks into a bar wearing a stovepipe hat, a waistcoat and a phony beard…
He sits down and orders a drink. As the bartender sets it down, he asks, "Going to a party?" "Yeah, a costume party." the man answers. "I'm supposed to come dressed as my love life." "But you look like Abe Lincoln!" protests the bartender. "That's right. My last four scores were seven years ago."
Ain’t that the truth😂
I asked this lady if I could touch her hair
She said yes, so I ran my finger across her lip and that's how the fight started.
How do trees 🎄 access internet?
They log in
When Waifu end yo laifu
HAHAH farts funny
Australians don’t have sex
What did Sean Connery say when he saw a horse and buggy on the road?
Shomething sheemsh Amish
Ok Fox News
People often accuse me of “stealing other’s jokes” and being “a plagiarist.”
Their words, not mine.
You have to try at least
He’s a wizard
Poor guy getting photoshopped
Original or Extra Crispy?
bad marriage funny
For protection against being called a boomer, you can now designate your generation via a user flair.
Stay safe out there.Addition sub changes:Ability to report common repostsAbility to report NSFW posts that need to be marked NSFW
Much more sad than funny, if he could only go a few days with out alienating the base.
My desk at home has the table of elements right in front of me
Ball and Socket joints
Genie: I will grant you two wishes.
Guy: two? It’s always three, right? Genie: look at your crotch. Guy: Damn, that’s a huge dick. Genie: I’ve been doing this for centuries. You’re welcome.
Careful what you wish for.
3 in 5 people suffer from anxiety.
If you're one of those people, don't worry.
meanwhile in the land of the free™ …
When client trust too much on developer 😂😂
you know who you are
And the other steelworkers certainly wouldn’t support him
I heard Apple is developing a new car
But they were having trouble installing windows.
My wife tried to unlatch our daughter’s car seat with one hand and said, “How do one armed mothers do it?”
Without missing a beat I replied, "Single handedly."
Gee, I wonder who they picked…
Teacher,” Tell me a sentence that starts with an ‘I’.”
Student: I is the…. Teacher: Stop! Never put 'is' after an 'I'. Always put 'am' after an 'I'. Student: OK. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.
There’s a new razor designed for dyslexics…
It's the best thing since sliced beard…
Unfortunately my dad shared this one.
My GF said she hates my sense of direction.
So I packed my stuff and right.
This asparagus is just…
a spear, I guess.
**laughs in full stack**
Newton and Laplace (Laplace Correction) Memes and Jokes.
“The 24th of December is Christmas Eve”
"No it fucking isn't, Adam."
My friend changed his name from William to Lawrence
That’s how a Bill becomes a Law.
Do you know why one side is longer when birds are flying in a V formation?
Because there’s more birds on that side.
Holy shit that’s boomer as fuck
More boomer Humor in my school’s library
Teacher: Laughs in DNA
I met a woman who said she was a huge Monkees fan
She told me she had collected every piece of merchandise ever made for the band. I was skeptical. Then I saw her place…
I tried 10 passwords already!
Reddit really can have very healthy communities in my experience.
Today we are learning about mitosis!
Now, I’m gonna need your undivided attention.
What’s up with the negativity?
My mother died a few years ago. I recently came across her death certificate and had a brilliant idea!
"I know how we can bring mom back!" I exclaimed. "Get me a Sharpie!" My sister, looked at me confused, "Why?" I pointed to the border of the certificate, "It says 'void if altered'!" (This actually happened and my sister didn't find it very funny. But we each deal with grief our own ways…)
What do you call two boobs that are identical?
There was a toilet stolen from the police station…
They have nothing to go on My dad texted this to me today
War has changed
Homeoffice isn’t going great
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters,
completely harmless until you light one on fire and stick it in your mouth.
Well yes but actually no