Why doesn’t electricity like History class?
Because it’s only interested in current events.
My son asked me, “Dad, what are condoms used for?”
Me: Usually to avoid answering such questions.
I tried to re-marry my ex wife
But she figured out I was only after my money.
Two years ago my doctor told me I was going deaf
I haven’t heard from him since.
Genie: You have three wishes. Me: Nice! I wish for pie.
Genie: Fine. You can have 3.14 wishes.
What happens when you give the sun a gun?
It becomes a shooting star.
Remember, because of synonyms, “Forgive me Father, for I have sinned”…
…and "Sorry Daddy, I've been naughty" are the same sentence.
The police stops a man and woman who have their seatbelts on.
Police: "hi you're the first people today with their seatbelts on, so we want to give you an award of 5000 dollar." The policeman seeing the happy couple gets curious and asks "what are you going to do with the money?" The man answers: "I'm going to take lessons for my driver's license" The woman: " don't listen to him. When he is drunk he says stupid things!" The man on the backseat: "I told you not to ride in a stolen car!" A voice from the trunk: "did we cross the border?"
Boy: *Kissing girl on couch* You wanna take this upstairs?
Girl: Hehe sure baby Boy: Sweet! Grab the other end, I can't carry it by myself
My cross-eyed girlfriend left me.
She was seeing someone else.
I met a guy who was convinced that there were no words in the English language with more syllables than vowels….
I tried to explain to him that he was wrong, but he refused to accept criticism…
My wife and I were leaving for our night out.
Our babysitter smiled and said, 'Take as long as you like.' That was three years ago. I hope she likes being a parent.
My penis was in guinness book of world records…
..but then the librarian told me to remove it
My wife threatened to leave me because of my obsession with optical illusions.
I told her, "Wait, this isn't what you think it is!"
My sister bet me a thousand dollars that I could not build a car out of noodles.
You should have seen the look on her face as I drove pasta!
First woman on the moon:
“Houston, we have a problem.” What? “Never mind” What’s the problem? “Nothing” Please tell us? “You know what the problem is.”
Why is the plane on r/woooosh?
Because it flew over your head.
A warning to all.
Be careful about drink driving as we are getting close to Christmas. Quite rightly, police are out checking on people. Last night I went our for a few drinks. Cocktails, then wine. (Not a good idea). However, knowing I was over the limit, I took the bus back home. We passed a police check point and I could see they were pulling over drivers and giving them breath tests. They waved the bus past. I arrived home safely and without incident, which was a surprise as I’d never driven a bus before and I’m not even sure where I got it from.
What do we call a group of 12 atoms?
Dozen matter.
12yr old daughter got me good
She walked up to me, hands behind her back.. "Check it out, dad! This is really funny looking!" "What? Lemme see…" And the little shit holds up a mirror to my face, giggling her head off. Payback is a bitch, little girl….
Did you hear about the man who invented knock knock jokes
He won the no-bell prize
Which vegetable likes to line up the most?
A queuecumber
High grades
The son comes to his father: "Dad, I got a 7.5 on my test" "Congratulations son! In which test?" "Breathalyzer. And they kept your car…"
Why do golfers wear two pairs of pants?
In case they get a hole in one.
What’s the difference between a female farmer and Hitler’s girlfriend?
One bales her hay and the other hails her bae
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What concert cost 45¢
50¢ ft. Nickelback.
I was getting a prostate exam and it hurt like hell.
I asked “doc, could you take off your ring?” He said “that’s not my ring, that’s my watch.”
Why are balloons so expensive
Inflation
After a long time, I told my hot coworker how I felt.
Turns out she felt the same way. So I turned the airconditioning on.
A Muslim man came to the USA many years ago.
He found love, got married and had a son. The son eventually graduated University, found a wife, got married and moved away for job reasons. Unfortunately, one day the old man's wife passes away, leaving him alone in his house with a huge garden. After a lot of grief, the man has the idea of bringing the garden to new life. However, not being young anymore, it seems like an impossible task for him alone. He writes to his son: "My dear son, after your mother's death, I am finally ready to move on. I'd like to bring our old garden to new life. Unfortunately, the task seems to be too much for an old man like me. I know you're busy with work and family, but maybe you could help me with digging over the old patches. This would help a lot. Love, your father." Some time later he receives a short message from his son: "Father. Please keep away from the patches. It's where I hid the 'Thing'. Your son." The next morning, combined forces of FBI, NSA and HS invade the property and the neighborhood. They start questioning everyone and search the man's garden inch after inch, soil layer after soil layer. In the evening, they still haven't found anything and finally give up. The man receives another message from his son: "Dear Father, I'm glad that you want to move on after Mom's death. Work and family prevent me from visiting you right now, but after the recent visit of the authorities your garden should be dug over and ready for renewal. That's the best I could do at the moment. Love, your son."
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He’s not breathing so his friend calls 911
''My friend is dead! What should I do?" The operator replies, "Calm down sir, first make sure that he's really dead." There's a silence, then a loud bang. Back on the phone, the guy says, Ok, now what?
What did Hitler say when he was blindfolded
I can Nazi