Why doesn’t the Pope like trigonometry?
It has a lot of sin
Why don’t fairies live under toadstools?
Because there's not mushroom!
My son told me that he’s afraid of the 25th letter of the alphabet
I asked him why but he just kept screaming
There is a mysterious crime spree going on at our local IKEA.
The cops are having a hard time putting the pieces together.
A little boy told his nursery teacher he found a dead cat.
"How did you know it was dead?" his teacher asked "Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move." the boy said. "You did what?!" the teacher shrieked. "You know," the boy explained, "I leaned over and went 'Psst!' in its ear and it didn't move!"
90% of people are unable to solve this riddle by guessing the opposite of each word.
Always Coming From Take Me Down
If I had 50c every time I failed a maths test…
I'd have $6.30 right now
What do you call a Mexican midget?
A paragraph. He’s not quite a full essay
Doctor: Your brain fell out after your accident, but we managed to put it back in
Me: Thanks for reminding me
WHAT DO WE WANT? LOW FLYING PLANES! WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?
NEEEEOOOOOOOWWWWW!!
What do you call a participation trophy in astronomy?
A constellation prize.
I am a social vegan.
I avoid meet.
At his wedding, my buddy called me the worst best man he has ever seen.
I was speechless.
Here’s an actual joke from my 6 year old
What is the pirates favorite part of the house? The back-yarrrrrghd! He was very proud of this joke and wanted to know if it was a good pun.
My boss really hates it when I shorten his name to Dick…
Mostly because his name is Steve…
How does Spider-Man think of such witty comebacks?
Because with great power comes great response ability
I have to tell someone about this because I’m at home alone with my 2 year old and 11 month old, and they’re to young to understand my best dad joke ever.
My 2 year old has cereal in her snack cup and just showed me that there was a piece of cereal in her sleeve. I said, "Looks like you got some tricks up your sleeve." GUESS WHAT KIND OF CEREAL SHE WAS EATING!…..IT WAS TRIX!
Bob came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber. He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, ‘You died in your sleep, Bob.’ Bob was stunned.
I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!' St. Peter said, 'I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken.' Bob was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home. The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground. A rooster strolled past. 'So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?' 'Not bad,' replied Bob the hen, 'but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!' 'You're ovulating,' explained the rooster. Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before?' 'Never,' said Bob. 'Well, just relax and let it happen,' says the rooster. 'It's no big deal.' Bob did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg! Bob was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg — his joy was overwhelming. As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard his wife yell, 'BOB, wake up! You've shit the bed!
My wife just admitted that she broke my favorite lamp.
I don’t think I can look at her in the same light ever again.
Why do the people of Athens never wake up early?
Because Dawn is tough on Greece
A slice of apple pie is £2.50 in Jamaica and £3 in the Bahamas
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean
What did one hungry plant say to the other plant?
I could use a light snack.
4 people are on a crashing plane, but there are only 3 parachutes.
The first person the grab a parachute is Brad Pitt and as he reachs for the door he says, "My family and my fans need me surely you will understand.", off he goes. The next person to grab one is Donald Trump: "Im the most intellegent president this nation ever saw i will do great things to this country" and he jumps out. Left in the plane is an old man and a young school boy. "Go on take the last one", the old man said, "I lifed a long and fulfilled life." Hearing that the school boy answered calmly, "Don't worry, we'll both be okay. Our most intelligent President yet just took my backpack."
“OMG, what’s going on? I can see through you.”
"My son told me he is transgender." "So?" "That makes me transparent."
Why don’t you ever see elephants hiding in trees?
They’re really good at it.
Husband: I don’t like three things about you. Wife: What things?
Husband: Your chin.
Communism jokes aren’t funny
Unless everyone gets them
Why is 6 afraid of 7..
Because 7 is a registered 6 offender.
Every kind of clickbait does these simple things:
No text found
As a doctor, I hate making jokes about an unvaccinated child.
But I’m thinking of giving it a shot.
I got thrown out of math class today.
The teacher asked me "If I gave you $20 and you gave $5 to Katie, $5 to Claire and $5 to Laura, what would you have?" Apparently, 3 blowjobs and enough left for a kebab wasn't the expected answer…
Trying to write some clean jokes about bowling balls
but they keep ending up in the gutter.
I dropped the soap in the prison shower today.
A big inmate, with a cock like a python, handed it back to me. "Nice try, you ugly cunt," he said.
Smoking will kill you. And Bacon will kill you. But…
Smoking Bacon will Cure it.
A guy with bad gas goes to the doctor
He says “doc, you gotta help me. I can’t stop farting. It’s the weirdest thing, they don’t smell, and there’s no sound, but they won’t stop. I’ve farted 5 times while telling you this and see, you didn’t even notice” The doc writes him a prescription and says “take this and come back in a week. A week later the guy comes back and says “Doc, those pills didn’t stop the farts. All they did was make them smell terrible. I can hardly stand it” The doctor replied “Good. Now that your sinuses are cleared up let’s work on your hearing”
A man accepts a job in a village with no women
Once there, he asks a local: -There is really no women here? -None. -So… How do you guys do when you need to have sex? -There is a donkey close to the river for that. The man tries to ignore and go home, where he can see the river and therefore, the donkey. After months in that village, every day the donkey seemed a little more attractive, so one day when a few other men asked him if he'd like to go to the donkey with them, he accepts. When he is close to the donkey, the man puts down his pants and one of the other locals yells: -What you doing!? -Aren't we…? Going to do the donkey thing? -We going to ride the donkey across the river so we can get to the other village where we can meet women. EDIT: That's the first time I ever got gold, thank you!
Why do people in Athens hate getting up early?
Because Dawn is tough on Greece.