Why don’t ants catch colds?
They have tiny anty bodies.
A man knocked on my door today and asked for a small donation for the local swimming pool…
So I gave him a glass of water…
Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.
Itβs a vicious cycle.
John F Kennedy was just “John Kennedy” From May 29, 1917 To November 21, 1963
They only added the F after he died
A burglar stole all my lamps.
I should be upset, but Iβm delighted.
It makes my heart race when my girlfriend rests her head on my leg during long road trips
So now she has to sit up straight and keep her eyes on the road whenever sheβs driving
What does a janitor and a car have in common
They both go broom broom
I once dated a girl with a twin..
People asked me how I could tell them apart. It was simple, Jill colored her nails purple and Bob had a cock. Thanks to Anthony Jeselnik for the joke
A robber enters a bank, he pulls out a gun, and he shouts: “Everyone on the ground. This is a robbery!”. Immediately, everyone in the bank drops down with their hands on their heads except for one man reading a newspaper.
The man lowers his newspaper and begins to stare at the robber with an amused look on his face. It makes the robber angry, so he walks towards the man, puts the gun to his face, and asks him: "what so funny, ha? You want to get shot?". The man's amused look turns into a smile as he answers the robber back: "You are joking right?". The robber, bursting with anger, places the gun one inch away from the man's face and says: "Say that again. I dare you". The man, who was previously completely relaxed, is now getting a bit worried. He lowers his newspaper further and says: "No, really. You are not serious, are you?". The robber sticks the gun into the man's forehead and threatens with a more serious tone: "One more word and I swear I am pulling the trigger". The man, no longer showing the slightest hint of amusement, says: "Look, there is a first time to everything, but this is unbelievable. Do you really have any idea of what you are doing?". "that is it!" the robber snaps. "I have a gun, you are unarmed, everybody else is scared to death, and there are zero guards in here! Don't you understand the situation? I completely got this under control!". At this point, the man puts down his newspaper with an honest, concerned look on his face. He looks the robber in the eye and says: "Dude, this is a blood bank".
Did anyone else’s parents teach them to swim by throwing them in the lake? I think the swimming was the easy part.
Getting out of that burlap sack was tricky, though.
I have a pen that can write underwater!!
It can write other words too.
I just adopted a dog from a blacksmith.
As soon as we got him home, he made a bolt for the door
Apparently the inventor of auto-correct has died.
His funeral is next monkey.
My father in law did well tonight.
NSFW At a restaurant tonight FIL: What do you call nuts on a wall? Everyone:…. FIL:Walnuts! Everyone:groan…. FIL:What do you call nuts in a chest? Everyone:… FIL:CHESTNUTS!! Everyone:… FIL:What do you call nuts on a chin?? Everyone:… FIL:A blowjob!! Everyone:Oh god no…. I'm so proud of him.
My penis was in the Guiness Book of World Records.
Until the police came and removed me from the library.
I tried to introduce some new KPIs for my department at work today and everyone was really upset.
Americans really do hate the metric system.
Why do Redditors get excited when a tornado rips down miles of fences?
Because there is a lot of reposting to do.
What do baby parabolas drink?
Quadratic Formula! Maybe this is more of a mom joke… Edit: this isnβt my joke. I thought this sub might enjoy it though
What do you call a one-legged hippo?
A hoppo My 4 year old cousin thinks itβs the funniest thing in the world
Why did Princess Peach choke?
Because Mario came down the wrong pipe.
I was at the museum recently and asked a worker there if I was allowed to take pictures. He replied…
"No, they have to stay on the walls."
A friend asked me,” What rhymes with orange?”
I said," No, it doesn't."
Old lady sees a news report and calls her husband’s cell-phone
"Honey", she says, "You need to be careful. I just saw that there is a maniac driving the wrong way on the freeway" Husband replies, "A maniac?! There's not just one- there are hundreds of them!!!!!"
Whenever I’m sad my German friend throws bread at me
A nice game of gluten tag always cheers me up.
Joe was moderately successful in his career, but as he got older he was increasingly hampered by incredible headaches. When his personal hygiene and love life started to suffer, he sought medical help.
After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across a doctor who solved the problem. "The good news is I can cure your headaches; the bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine. The pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles." Joe was shocked and depressed, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife. After the operation, his mind was clear, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He walked past a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need, a new suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit." The salesman eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see, size 44 long?" Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?". "It's my job." replied the salesman. Joe tried on the suit, and it fit him perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure!". The salesman eyed Joe, then said, "Let's see, 34 sleeve and 16 and a half neck.". Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?". "It's my job." came the familiar reply. Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly, as well. The salesman asked, "How about new shoes?". Joe was on a roll and agreed. The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said, "Let's see, nine-and-a-half?" Joe was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?". "It's my job." said the salesman, again. Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly, again. He walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?" Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure, why not." The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see, size 36." Joe laughed smugly, "No, I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old." The shocked salesman shook his head, "You can't possibly wear a size 34! It would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.
Girl 1: Mother, why is my name Rose?
Mother: Because when you were just a precious little baby, a rose fell off a tree and onto your head. Girl 2: But mother, why am I named Blossom? Mother: Well my darling, same with you; a blossom blew from a tree and onto your head. Girl 3: Mufaghh ma waafaa maaa? Mother: How about you stop fucking complaining, Coconut?
I just realized my countertop is made of marble.
I have been taking it for granite all these years.
I really need to fix my watch but…
I never have the time
What do clouds wear under their shorts?
Thunderpants!
What do you call an Emo A capella group?
Self Harmony
A good romance starts with a foundation of trust and friendship.
A bad romance starts with a rah rah rah-ah-ah, roma roma-ma gaga ooh la la