Why don’t blind people skydive?
It scares the shit out of their guidedogs.
As a german Guy I can say from experience that from this moment its not getting any better.
and the other half are gonna come out with a drinking problem.
On one hand, I have fingers. On the other hand, I don’t.
Well, done done done, done da done, done da done
It's on paper view.
It is a very rare dish order.
Cause if they were males they’d be uncles
Smiles. Because there’s a mile between the two S’s.
A man brings his Rottweiler into the vet. “My dog is cross-eyed is there anything you can do for him?”
“Well,” the vet says, “Let’s have a look at him.” The vet picks up the dog and looks into his eyes. After a few second the he says, “I’m afraid I’m going to have to put him down.” The shocked owner replies, “what?! Because he’s cross-eyed?!” “No, because he’s heavy.”
… and these four huge bastards started mouthing off at us. My mate said "pretend we're the police, that'll get them to leave us alone". I only got halfway through the first verse of "Roxanne" before they kicked the shit out of us.
One. It's a trick question.
If only they could see me now!
I said “ son, that’s 3 schools this year… maybe teaching isn’t for you.”
and discovers that his friend has turned into an arrangement of shapes closely fitted together, forming a repeated pattern without any gaps or over-lapping. “What happened?” he asks, mortified. “I came here to see if you were self-isolating and…” “Oh shucks!” said the friend, “I thought you told me to self-tesselate!”
How do you tell a good joke about time travel?
Murphy’s Law states that anything that can go wrong will go wrong. But do you know what Cole’s Law is?
It's a side dish made from thinly sliced cabbage.
I can’t afford anything.
Me: Hey dad, where are you off to? Dad: I'm heading out to a Korean boy-band show. Me: KPOP?! Dad: Yes, I'm fine.
Well, first you need a nice ice fishing spot and some peas. Once you have those, you cut a hole in the ice, then make a trail of peas leading away from it. So, when the polar bear goes to take pea, you kick it in the ice hole!
Well… I’ve got a few twix up my sleeve.
He’s a good buoy
Dragon 1: It's hot in here Dragon 2: Shut your mouth
Anyone can mash potatoes.
Everybody knows Dave Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them." Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?" "No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and Tom Cruise shouts, "Dave! What's happening? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!" Although impressed, Dave's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Dave that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just lucky. "No, no, just name anyone else," Dave says. "President Obama," his boss quickly retorts. "Yup," Dave says, "Old buddies, let's fly out to Washington," and off they go. At the White House, Obama spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a beer first and catch up." Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else. "Pope Francis," his boss replies. "Sure!" says Dave. "I've known the Pope for years." So off they fly to Rome. Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses at the Vatican's St. Peter's Square when Dave says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope." He disappears into the crowd headed towards the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony, but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics. Making his way to his boss' side, Dave asks him, "What happened?" His boss looks up and says, "It was the final straw… you and the Pope came out on to the balcony and the man next to me said, 'Who the fuck is that on the balcony with Dave?'
He stays up at night wondering if there really is a dog.
5th grader from Alabama, because he's 18 yrs old
Experts believe it to be Pharaoh Roche.
and don't get a reaction
I’m going to put my glasses on…
They would call it crucifact.
For example, right now you’re thinking, “It’s psychic, you idiot!”