Why don’t blind people skydive?
It scares the shit out of their guidedogs.
Found this on the newspaper yesterday
You don’t need a parachute to go skydiving
But you do need one to go skydiving twice
How do you know if a sniper likes you?
He misses you
Ha! Men like boobs!
Haven’t seen this one before
If going to harm society, dont.
I did that to my friend
The only two white actors in Black Panther are Martin Freeman, who played Bilbo Baggins, and Andy Serkis who played Gollum.
They're the Tolkien white guys.
If I had to suffer seeing this so do all of you.
When you find a relevant paper after hours of searching.
I finally have a girlfriend
Now I wish I could post it on an other subreddit
The spoon in a waiter’s pocket catches the customer’s attention
The customer asks "Why do you have a spoon in your pocket?" To which the waiter replies "It's part of a new program to save time the restaurant is doing. If I drop a soup spoon, I can quickly replace it with the spoon in my pocket, and then switch the dirty one out next time I'm in the kitchen." The customer is visibly impressed. He then notices something else. He asks "Is that the same reason you have a ketchup bottle in your apron?" The waiter says "Exactly!" The customer says "One last question. Why is there a string coming out of your fly?" The waiter explains "That string is tied to my penis. When i go pee, i just have to unzip and then give it a tug. That way, i save valuable time not having to wash my hands." The customer says "I see. But how do you get your penis back in your pants without touching it?" The waiter replies "I don't know about the other waiters, but I use my spoon."
My mate Dave’s always been the kind of bloke that gets stressed over everything, but lately he doesn’t seem like he’s got a care in the world.
“Why are you so laid back all of a sudden?” I asked him. “I’ve hired a professional to worry about all my problems for me,” he replied. “Only costs me a grand a week.” “A grand a week? How the hell are you going to afford that?” I asked. “Fuck knows. That’s his problem.”
Not a better methapor for the current administration….
I’m not surprised
I lost my job at the bank my very first day
A woman asked me to check her balance so I pushed her over
My sex life is hot like the Sahara desert.
Just two palms and no dates.
But the media are the problem?
I held the the door open for a clown today
I thought it was a nice jester.
Don’t you HATE it when people Capitalize words sTrAnGeLy?
I guess shift happens.
Karen and I had a blast
Picture this: A pandemic is unleashed by ticks that live on and around the mouths of alpacas.
Global chaos ensues. The disease wipes out 99% of humanity, and the desperate survivors are forced to live in a post-alpaca lip tick wasteland.
If you boil a funny bone
It becomes a laughing stock
Titles are actually hard
My wife is mad at me for not having a sense of direction
So i packed up and right.
Why did the tomato lose the race?
Because she couldn't ketchup
It Must Be The Hormones…
Haha very funny
I finally got someone to be my valentine!
I wish I could post this in any other sub.
How do you get Trump to change a lightbulb?
Tell him Obama put it in
straight from funny
I have seen a kidnapping.
I decided to let the kid sleep
Took my son to Carl’s Jr. today.
66 Million people knew.
Two goldfish are in a tank.
One says to the other, "you know how to drive this thing?"
I made a graph showing my past relationships..
It was an ex axis and a why axis.
Especially when you can’t their mind
I got fired today because my manager caught me masturbating with a vegetable during my break
Apparently nursing homes have “strict rules” about what you can do with the patients.
Think you know everything about the letter t?
That's just the half of it.
How do you find a blind man on a nude beach?
it's not hard.
Arguing with my wife is like reading a software license agreement
In the end, I ignore it all and click "I agree".
I was told to post this here
The birds and the bees (sorry pbf)
Does anyone know if its possible to get a skin graft from my butt to a close acquaintance?
Arse skin for a friend.
I can’t go out to buy drapes for my windows…
These are uncurtain times
A guy goes to Las Vegas to gamble and he loses all his money. He doesn’t even have enough for a cab, but he flagged one down anyway. He explained to the driver that he would pay him back next time and gave him his phone number, but the driver told him, “Get the fuck out of my cab.”
He walked all the way to the airport and got home. Some times rolls by and he decides to go back to Vegas again and this time he wins BIG. He gets his bags and is ready for the airport with all his new winnings. There are a line of cabs and at the very end he sees the driver from last time that kicked him out. He stood for a moment thinking how can he get his revenge on that driver. So, he gets in the first cab. "How much is it to the airport?" he asks. The driver says, "$15." "Great, how much is it for a blowjob on the way there?" The cab driver says, "Get the fuck out of my cab." So he goes to the next one and asks the same thing. "How much to airport?" "$15." "Great, how much for a blowjob on the way there?" And that cab driver also tells him to get the fuck out of his cab. He does this all the way down the line of drivers, each one kicking him out. He finally gets to the last driver, the one from his last trip. He asks, "Hey how much to the airport?" Driver responds, "$15." The guy hands him $15 and says, "Great let's go!" And so the driver leaves, slowly passing all the other drivers who are staring out their window while the guy in the back smiles back with a thumbs up.
A man walks into a bar and sits next to a guy with a very small head
After having a couple drinks the man asks the other guy, "hey, I don't mean to be rude, but how is it you have such a small head?" The guy replies, "well it's a bitter sweet story. You see when I was in the war my plane got shot down in the Pacific. I parachuted out and ended up on a deserted island. After several months on this deserted island, a beautiful mermaid suddenly appeared and granted me three wishes. My first wish is that I'd like to be rescued from this island I told her" To which the Mermaid said, "tomorrow a rescue boat will find you" "My second wish is that I'd like to be rich for the rest of my days" The Mermaid said, "invest early in these companies, and you will be a wealthy man… And what is your final wish?" "Well Mermaid, you know I've been stranded on this island for so long, and seeing as you are so beautiful, I'd wish for nothing more than to sleep with you" The Mermaid sighed and said, "I cannot grant you that wish, you see I'm a half fish, it would not work" Frustrated, the man said, "Well how about a little head then?"
Releasing a new feature in production be like
When I was a child I wondered where the sun went at night
Then it dawned on me
If it helps others or those less fortunate, then he will always ignore the problem
Kids should not run with scissors
And lesbians should not scissor with the runs
Unfortunately you’ve tested positive for Corona Virus….
Today is my Birthday. This is me. Say hello to me
Yesterday I saw a police officer wearing a pilot’s uniform,
I thought it was a bit odd. Then I realized he was one of those plane clothes cops.
How many Feminists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
One. Men can be Feminists, too.
Remember to follow the git flow!
Their Face Reveal Went Well
My penis talked to me once…
Turns out he's a real dick.
Work from home
I Made An AI Write Me Sex Poems
where are noses made?
at the ol factory
My calculator is missing the minus button.
But on the plus side,…it still works.
I bumped into an old school friend today.
He started showing off, talking about his well paid job and expensive sports car. Then he pulled out a photo of his wife and said, "She's beautiful, isn't she?" I said, "If you think she's gorgeous, you should see my girlfriend." He said, "Why? Is she a stunner?" I said, "No, she's a fucking optician.”
Mr. Sparky (maybe goodboomer material?)
Wanna hear a funny joke? My life
Alligators can grow up to 15 feet…
But most only grow four.
Man:I am done,i am suiciding. Woman:If you are going down throw out the trash
A LONG ONE( but worth it): One wet, cold morning…
A bus driver was just starting along his route. It was still dark and raining and the temperature hovered just above freezing. As he approached the first stop on his route he could see some poor soul laying on the bench. He stopped the bus, opened the doors and called out to the soaking wet person laying there. "Hey, buddy!" The guy sat up and looked as wet and cold as he was drunk. "Hey fella, get outta the rain and on the bus." "I can't", mumbled the drunk, "I don't haff any money." "Nevermind that, get on the bus", said the driver kindly. So the drunk staggers up the steps and plonks down in the seat across from the driver. He looked so bedraggled and sad that the driver wanted to make him feel at least a little bit happier. So he says to the drunk, "Hey, buddy, hey watch this!" He stops the bus and a sour-looking older woman gets on, shaking her umbrella. She deposits her fare, and as she goes past the driver, he says, "Tickle your c#nt with a feather?" The woman wheels around, "What did you say?!!" The driver answers, "Typical country weather….Don't you agree?" The woman is red-faced and embarrassed at what she thought she heard and mumbles yes, she agrees and sits herself well down the back. The drunk is smiling a bit, so the driver knows its having a positive effect. "Watch this one", he says. Sure enough, at the next stop another woman gets on. She looks like she's never cracked a smile in her life. As she drops in her fare and starts to move past the driver, he mumbles, "Tickle your snatch with a feather?" The woman gasps and says,"I beg your pardon?!!" To which the driver answers, "I said typical nasty weather." The woman is completely shaken and apologises and agrees, yes the weather is atrocious. Then hurries to her seat. Now the drunk is chuckling quite freely. The driver leans over and says to the drunk, "Why don't you do the next one?" The drunk shakes his head, "No, I'm too dr-dr-drunk." "Nah", says the driver, "you do this one." So as the bus stops, the drunk pulls himself up straight in the seat, smooths his clothes out and stares straight ahead. His face is a study in concentration. As the lady pays her fare and begins to pass by the drunk, he says in a clear, strong voice, "SCRATCH YER C#NT WITH A STICK?" The woman, absolutely shocked, turns to the drunk and says, "WHAT did you say to me?!!" "F#ckin' cold, eh?!"
My wife is doing a sponsored parachute jump tomorrow and I am genuinely terrified that the chute won’t open.
Last time something that big hit the earth, the fucking dinosaurs got wiped out.