Why don’t churches have WiFi?
They can't compete with an invisible force that actually works. 😀
1,2,3,4 I declare a thumb war…
…5,6,7,8 I use this hand to masturbate.
The only thing Flat Earthers fear…
…Is sphere itself.
At an interview they asked where I saw myself in five years
I answered: “Well, I think my greatest weakness is my poor listening skills.”
A platypus walks into a bar owned by a duck.
He finishes his drink and asks for the check. Duck billed platypus.
Does my Thai girlfriend have a penis?
Something inside me says yes.
BANG BANG BANG
A woman pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when a masked robber runs out and shoots her three times in the stomach. Luckily the babies are okay and the surgeon decides to leave the bullets where they are as it is too risky to operate. All is fine for 16 years and then one daughter walks into the room in tears. "What's wrong," asks the mother. "Well, mum, I was having a wee and this bullet came out," replies the daughter. The mother tells her it is okay and explains what happened 16 years before. About a week later the second daughter walks into the room in tears. "Mum, I was having a wee and this bullet came out." The mother tells her what happened 16 years before and tells her not to worry. Another week passes by and the son walks into the room in tears. "It's okay," says the mother, "I know what has happened, you were having a wee and a bullet came out." "No," says the boy, "I was having a w*nk and I've shot the dog."
I’ve been fired from work for putting in too many shifts
Keyboard manufacturing isn't as easy as you think
Why do teenage girls always walk in odd numbers
Cuz they like can’t even
I gave all my dead batteries away today…
Free of charge
I want to tell you about a girl who only eats plants.
But you've probably never heard of herbivore.
A man approaches a priest. “Bless me father, for I have sinned,” he says.
“I’ve spent the week with seven beautiful women.” “Do not fret, my son,” says the priest. “All you need to do is take seven lemons, squeeze the juice into a glass and drink the juice.” “Will that cleanse my sin from me?” “No, but it’ll wipe that fuckin’ smile off your face.”
I’ll name my child $2y$10$ugTh9EyUvedMTndo0PvF4.YKZaHX6OsMirqjR6ApgASNPrRikwBGS
https://ift.tt/2WcbTYa
Has anyone elses gardening skills improved during this quarantine like mine have?
I planted myself on my couch at the beginning of March and I've grown significantly since.
Did you know you can get paid for sleeping?
It’s a dream job
Do you know why I don’t like stairs?
Because they’re always up to something
[NSFW] Wonder Woman is laying naked, face down, on a rooftop…
…when Superman flies by and sees her. Her naked body has him feeling all types of ways, so he starts to think, "You know, I'm faster than a speeding bullet. I could be in and out of there before she even realizes what happened." So, Superman flies in, does his business and takes off. Wonder Woman says, "What was that?" The Invisible Man responds, "I don't know, but my fucking ass is killing me."
My buddy said ‘There’s only one thing about Halloween that scares me.’
I asked, 'Which is?' 'Exactly', he replied.
I always carry a pebble with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in October.
I call it my jingle bell rock.
Two Canadians die and end up in Hell.
The devil decides to pay them a visit, so he walks into their room and sees them talking and laughing. Confused, he asks them why they're happy. They tell him, "Well, we're so sick of the cold where we're from, and this place is nice and toasty." The devil, annoyed, storms away and goes to Hell's boiler room, where he turns up the temperature. He goes back to the Canadians' room, along the way being begged by all sorts of people to put the heating back down. He enters the room to see the Canadians having a barbecue. Furiously, he asks them what they're doing. "Well, we can't pass up this wonderful weather without getting out the barbecue!" The devil realizes he's been doing the wrong thing. He goes to the boiler room and turns it down until it's at a colder temperature than ever seen on earth. He knows he's won now, so he goes back to the Canadians' room, only to see them jumping up and down in excitement. He shouts at them in fury, "WHY ARE YOU STILL HAPPY?!?!?!" They look at him and shout at the same time, "Hell froze over! That means the Leafs won!"
What do you call an army of babies?
Infantry
What did the two suicidal people say to each other?
nothing….. they were just hanging….
If “womb” is pronounced “woom”, “tomb” is pronounced “toom” then shouldn’t “bomb” be pronounced
"BOOM" I hope that blew your minds Edit: Due to popular opinion "Well, this post blew up". And thanks to the anonymous person who gave me my first award ever!
A dad was washing his car with his son.
After a while, the son turned to his dad and said "Hey Dad, why can't we just use a sponge ?"
Why are balloons so expensive
Inflation
I taught my daughter what bargain meant.
She said: "Thanks dad, that means a great deal."
Did you know if you hold your ear up too a strangers leg
… you can actually hear them say "what the fuck are you doing?"
I keep a record of how much toffee I eat.
It’s my Heath Ledger.
My neighbor knocked on my door this morning at 3 AM!
Can you believe that? Lucky for him I was still up playing the tuba.
My grandfather died because the medics mistakenly thought he had Type A blood.
Turns out it was a typo.
Did you hear about the guy who flew so close to the sun that he touched it at exactly one point?
He was a real tan gent.
At a recent interview, I was asked where can I see myself in 2 years time…
I don't know, it's not like I have 2020 vision!