Why don’t crabs donate to charity?
Because they’re shellfish
Why does Waldo wear stripes
Because he doesn't want to be spotted
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
They say criminals always return to the scene of the crime.
No wonder there are so many Australians in the UK.
Why do stormtroopers only have iPhones?
They couldn’t find the Androids they were looking for.
A farmer named Clyde had a car accident.
In court, the trucking company's lawyer was questioning Clyde. "Didn't you say, at the moment of the accident, 'I'm fine.'" asked the lawyer? Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into the…" "I did not ask you for any details", the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?'" Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road." The lawyer interrupted again and said "Judge, I'm trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the highway patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question." By this time the judge was fairly interested in Clyde's answer and said to the lawyer "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, Bessie." Clyde thanked the judge and proceeded. "Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. When the highway patrolman came on the scene he could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her and saw her near fatal condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the patrolman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me and said, 'how are you feeling?' Now what the fuck would you say?"
What’s the best part about living in Switzerland?
I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus.
My daughter gave me a handful of rocks for my birthday…
They have deep sedimental value to me.
Do you know where the first bovine astronauts landed?
The mooooooooon
The cocaine that I bought is so white..
..That the cops just let it go with a warning.
My wife forgot the code to her luggage, but I managed to figure it out.
You can say…. I solved the case.
I was going to tell a joke about Noble gases,
But I knew I'd get no reaction.
A lumberjack went in to a magic forest to cut a tree. Upon arrival, he started to swing at the tree, when it shouted, “Wait! I’m a talking tree!”
The lumberjack grinned and said: “And you will dialogue.”
Just heard about a dwarf who was pickpocketed
How could anyone stoop so low?
i was going to say a joke about a blunt spear
but i don't see the point
Who wants to learn about Roman numerals? I for one.
No text found
What is Forrest Gump’s favorite kind of pasta?
Pen- nay (penne)
When I found out my toaster wasn’t waterproof…
I was shocked
If you’re dating someone who doesn’t enjoy Star Wars puns…
Then you’re looking in Alderaan places
How many “friend-zones” guys does it take to change a light bulb?
None, they'll just compliment it and get pissed when it won't screw.
When I first saw an universal remote control…
I thought to myself: "Well… This changes everything"
What do you call a rude cactus?
A prick I’m deeply sorry
Are you a chiral carbon?
‘Cause I share a unique bond with you!
My wife walked out on me after I blew our life savings on a penis extension.
She said she just can't take it any longer.
Why do riot cops like to leave early when they go to work?
So they can beat the crowds.
I got kicked out of karaoke after singing “Danger Zone” nine times in a row.
Too many Loggins attempts.
I was disappointed when my son got a job as a scarecrow
But he's outstanding in his field!
I don’t trust stairs.
They're always up to something.
My dad didn’t laugh so hopefully you’ll enjoy.
Chatting on the phone with my dad while he was at work. Dad "I've got a light on my helmet so I look like a miner" Me "No, I would say you look about 40" Not even a chuckle from him 😒
Just another overly dramatic post.
https://i.redd.it/vrrnd0bt6ca41.jpg
Why doesn’t the bullet have a steady job
Because it keeps getting fired
How do you measure how heavy a red hot chilli pepper is?
You give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now!
Two Dragons walk into a bar
Dragon 1: It’s a bit hot in here Dragon 2: Shut your mouth
How many incels does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
None. They'll just compliment it and get pissed when it doesn't screw.
A girl saw her boyfriend flirting with other girls at the gym
She walked up to him and said this isn’t working out.
What did the hurricane say to the coconut palm tree?
Hold on to your nuts, this is no ordinary blow job!
Why is it good to wash your eyes with ketchup?
Because Heinzsight is 20/20
Tried to grab the fog this morning
unfortunately, I mist.