Why don’t female roommates share a bra?
Because then it'll become a cobra.
Eventually I folded
I don't know why I was carrying it around in the first place
I wasn’t born until he was an adult.
Gimli and the Hobbits are short and walk under it.
Just so everybody knows he's an absolute unit.
True story: today at work, I was getting ready to discharge a patient from the recovery room after surgery, and I asked “how do you feel?” Without hesitation he replied “with my fingers” and the old guy in the next bay chuckled and yelled “good one!”
I said, "Don't do it!" He said, "Nobody loves me." I said, "God loves you. Do you believe in God?" He said, "Yes." I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?" He said, "A Christian." I said, "Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?" He said, "Protestant." I said, "Me, too! What denomination?" He said, "Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?" He said, "Northern Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region." I said, "Me, too!" Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912." I said, "Die, heretic!" And I pushed him over.
It's too close to the gas chamber. Edit: Jesus Christ, look at that, I got silver! Not 30 pieces, but anyway.
It was a scrotal eclipse of the fart
Love meant nothing to him.
Now I've got two adult knees.
And its called "Fast Ten, Your Seatbelt"
One shoots but can't hit. The other hoots but can't shit
Just before the school year started, he injured his back. He was required to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. Fortunately, the cast fit under his shirt and wasn't noticeable. On the first day of class, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in the school. The smart punks, having already heard the new teacher was a former Marine, were leery of him and he knew they would be testing his discipline in the classroom. Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, the new teacher opened the window wide and sat down at his desk. When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he picked up a stapler and stapled the tie to his chest. There was dead silence… the rest of the year went quite smoothly.
With or without "u"
Even their cakes are in tiers.
It'll put hare on your chest.
. . . and he walks past a security checkpoint. One of the guards calls to him and says to stop, but he takes off running. The guard raises his rifle, takes aim, and shoots him dead in the street. The other guard stares at him. "What did you do that for?" he asks. "Curfew violation," the other guard says. "Curfew violation? Curfew isn't for another half hour!" "I know. That's my friend. I know where he lives. He never would have made it."
Pope: "Do you know Jesus?" Alien: "Oh, Jesus. Great guy. He comes to our planet twice every year." Pope: "Every year?! It's about two millenniums and we're still waiting for his second coming." Alien: "Maybe he didn't like your chocolate." Pope: "Chocolate?" Alien: "Every time he visits, we gather the best chocolate from each manufacturing plant and give them to him before he leaves. Why, what did you do the first time he came here?"
Got away with murder.
My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman and told me I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed.
After 2 minutes all charges were dropped due to a lack of evidence
But then I saw her face…
He said Dad why don’t you use a sponge like the other dads?
*break bread* This is my body *pours wine* This is my blood *open jar of mayo* Judas: I'm gonna stop you right there
If i can’t get sex, I bi it
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