Why don’t Kleptomaniacs understand puns?
Because they take things literally.
My chemistry teacher asked me what’s an acid + base.
A good party wasn't the correct answer, apparently.
You’ve heard of Alphabet Soup…
… now get ready for Times New Ramen
My grandpa started walking 5 miles a day when he was 60…
Now he’s 97 and we have no idea where he is
Where did the hacker go?
I don't know, he ransomware
Why did the blind man fall down the well?
Because he couldn't see that well.
If there was a competition for saggy tits, my wife would beat everyone.
In fact, she’d wipe the floor with them.
Some heavy stuff my teacher puts in our Homework during Coronavirus Homeschooling.
https://ift.tt/2WTxo0t
My wife uses a whole bottle of dishwasher every time she washes the dishes at night.
Another day, another Dawn.
To anyone suffering from paranoia…
You are not alone
What did one toilet say to the other toilet?
You look a bit flushed.
Did you know Bill Burr has a brother that is a lumberjack?
His name is Tim
Dr. Geezer
An old geezer got bored in retirement and decided to open a medical clinic. He put up a sign that said “Dr. Geezer’s clinic: Get your treatment for $500, if not cured, get back $1000.” Dr. Young, who was positive that this old geezer didn’t know beans about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to win $1000. He went to Dr. Geezer’s clinic and says, “Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth. Can you please help me?” Dr. Geezer calls out, “Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr. Young’s mouth.” Dr. Young yells, “Aaagh! This is gasoline!” Dr. Geezer replies, “Congratulations! You’ve got your taste back, that will be $500.” Dr. Young gets annoyed and returns a couple of days later with another plan to recover his money. He enters the clinic and says, “I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything.” Dr. Geezer calls out, “Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr. Young’s mouth.” Dr. Young yells, “Oh no you don’t, that’s gasoline!” Dr. Geezer replies, “Congratulations, you’ve got your memory back, that will be $500.” Dr. Young, angry after losing $1000, comes back after several more days. He enters the clinic and says, “My eyesight has become weak, I cannot see anything!” Dr. Geezer replies, “Well, I don’t have any medicine for that, so here’s your $1000 back,” and hands Dr. Young a $10 bill. Dr. Young quickly yells, “Hey, this is only $10!” Dr. Geezer replies, “Congratulations, you’ve got your vision back, that will be $500.”
I tried to get some storm insurance for my campsite, but I was denied.
They said that if my tents get blown away, I won’t be covered.
Today my son and I walked past a gym and he said “looks like they’ve closed down.”
My response; "guess it didn't work out."
What do blind people do when they get sick?
No, seriously. It's not like they can go see a doctor
What is a Math Teacher’s favorite superhero?
FOUR, GOD OF NUMBERS!
How does a werewolf make bechamel sauce?
They start with a rooooooooouuuuuuuux!
My wife left me because she thinks I’m too insecure…
No, wait, she's back. She was just making a cup of tea.
My landlord wanted to talk to me about how high my heating bills are.
I said, “Sure. My door is always open.”
I bought a theremin
But I haven’t touched it in years. I’m sorry to anyone who gets it.
I told my wife she’s been painting her eyebrows on a little too high.
She seemed surprised.
What do you call rednecks up north?
Chillbillies
2 cowboys in a field
One turns to the other and says “you take all those cows over there and round them up into one big group” The other says “what?” The first cowboy says “you herd”
A young man buys a brand-new bike
He is over the moon with his purchase. The salesman hands him a tiny jar of Vaseline before driving off, remarking: 'Be wary that your seat is made of 100% pure bison leather. Make sure to put vaseline on the seat, should it rain, otherwise the leather might crack.' The man thanks the salesman and rides off on his new best friend. After 300 kilometres of touring fun, his bike begins to stutter and eventually breaks down. The man finds himself in the middle of nowhere and walks to the nearest farm. The farmer, who is working outside on the land, greets him and asks if he stays for dinner, awaiting the truck who'll pick up his bike for reparation. Eagerly the man agrees. Inside he meets the farmers wife and their beautiful daughter. When he walks into the kitchen, he's astounded by the biggest pile of dirty dishes he has ever seen. 'We have one dinner rule', the farmer says. 'Whoever speaks during dinner, has to do the dishes.' Dinner is served and everyone is enjoying the meal in total silence. When desert comes, the farmers daughter takes off her top, and starts frisking the man. In about two minutes they are making love, right there on the table. Nobody utters a word. After they finish, the farmers wife gets under the table, and blows the man like he's never been blown before. Right after she climbs on his lap, and rides him like a bull. Still, nobody has said a word. When she's done, the man lights a sigarette and peeks out of the window. He notices it's started drizzling outside, and remembers his bike is out in the open. He jolts up, grabs the vaseline and bolts to the front door, only to find it locked. He sprints back into the kitchen, making wild armgestures to the farmer, pointing outside, to the door and to his tiny jar of vaseline. The farmer, white with fear, then says: 'Allright allright, I'll do the dishes!'
Samuel Beckett turned down a lowball offer for one of his plays.
He was waiting for good dough.
What did the melon say when his girl asked him to run away and get married?
I love you honeydew, but I cantaloupe.
Confessing your sins [NSFW i guess]
A guy who had done wrongs in his life went to church to confess He goes to the confessional and the priest asks him P – What sins have you done, son? S – I sinned, father, I went to send something to my sister in law and before going out it started raining, so i stayed in her house and things heated up and i fucked her P – That's a big sin but I'll forgive you, son S – Thank you father but i have sinned another time, i went to my mother in law to send her something and before going out it started raining, so i stayed in her house and things heated up and i fucked her as well P – That's a second time so that's worse but I'll forgive you my son S – Thank you very much father but i sinned another time, I finished work and before going out it started raining, the secretary and I got stuck in the building, things heated up and i fucked her as well! The priest checks out of the window and sees that it had started to get cloudy and he says P – You better get the fuck out right fucking now
In a nuclear war, they say the only thing to survive will be cockroaches.
Which means the UK will still have a functioning government.
My instructor just told me that I’m not cut out to be a mime
It must have been something I said
Just found out I’ve failed my German exam…
Sacre bleu!
I buy all my guns from a guy called “T-Rex”…
He’s a small arms dealer…
3 girls and thier mother were walking through a park…
Girl 1 turned to her mother and said… Girl 1: Mommy, why is my name Lily? Mom: Because when we took you out of the Hospital, a Lily petal fell on your head. The second Daughter, now curious, asks the same question… Girl 2: Why is my name Rose? Mom: When we took you out of the Hospital, a rose petal landed onto your head This is when the 3rd daughter pipes up and says… Girl 3: AAAARRRGHFFFFJJJFSSSLLLHHH Mom: Shhhhhhh, quiet down now Cinder Block
How much time do you have to fix your parachute?
The rest of your life.
I accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach
and now I'm the proud owner of aisle 4.
A boy scout says to his scout leader, “Sir, is this snake poisonous?”
The scout leader says, "No, that snake's not poisonous at all." So the boy picks up the snake, which bites him and the boy starts to spasm and foam at the mouth as the other kids look on in horror. The scout leader says, "But that snake is venomous. Poison is ingested or absorbed, while venom is injected. Let's get it right next time, boys."
The past, present and future walk into a bar
It was tense
One day, a wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman. Naturally, she was very upset.
“You are a disrespectful pig!” she cried. “How dare you do this to me! I’m a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I’m leaving you. I want a divorce right away!” The husband replied, “Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can tell you what happened.” “Go ahead,” she sobbed, “but they’ll be the last words you’ll say to me!” So the husband began, “Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn’t eaten for three days. So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night. The ones you wouldn’t eat because you’re afraid you’ll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments! Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don’t wear because you say they are too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don’t wear because I don’t have good taste. I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don’t wear just to annoy her and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don’t wear because someone at work has a pair the same.” The husband took a quick breath and continued, “She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said…” “Do you have anything else that your wife doesn’t use?”