Why don’t mitochondria have girlfriends?
Because they're incells.
I used to feel like a man trapped inside a woman’s body
Then I was born
A DEA agent stopped at our farm yesterday.
“We are going to need to search your land for illegally grown drugs.” I said, “that’s fine, but don’t go into that field over there. You won’t like it.” Agitated by this, the officer explodes saying, “do you see this god damn badge son?! This badge means I can go where I please, when I please, how I please! You have no authority when it comes to telling me where the fuck I can go! Have I made myself clear, boy?!” I politely nodded and went back about my business. A short time after, I heard a scream, looked up to see the DEA agent being chased by my big old mean bull. Every step, gaining, closing the gap between himself and the agent. It seemed as tho he would surely get gored before returning to safety. The officer was clearly terrified. I threw down my tools, ran to the fence and screamed at the top of my lungs…. “YOUR BADGE! SHOW HIM YOUR FUCKIN BADGE!!”
Someone called me racist for saying “black paint.”
Apparently the politically correct term is "Tyrone, please paint the fence."
People hate the police so much these days…
…that even Sting has stopped performing "Every Breath You Take."
Why did the hipster burn his mouth?
He drank his coffee before it was cool.
Vandals have attacked the National Origami Museum in Tokyo…
We’ll keep you updated as the story unfolds…
Why do tigers have stripes?
They don't want to be spotted.
Why was 6 afraid of 7
7 was a registered six offender
Why did the noodle get a driving ticket?
It drove pasta stop sign
My wife asked me “Why don’t you treat me like you did when we were first dating ?”
So I took her to dinner, then a movie and dropped her off at her parents' house
As I slipped my finger slowly inside her hole, I could immediately feel it getting wetter and wetter…
I slid my finger back out, and within seconds, she was going down on me. I thought to myself, “I really need a new fucking boat.”
What color is a window?
Well, the answer's pretty clear…
Dad, I feel fat and ugly… Give me a compliment…
Dad: You have good eyesight !
Doctor : You’ve got a problem in your eyes
Dad : Oh i see Doctor : No you can't
If pronouncing b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian
Then Soviet
So a philosopher, a mathematician, and a physicist were at starbucks.
So a philosopher, a mathematician, and a physicist were at starbucks. The mathematician turns to the physicist sitting next to him and says "You know, physics is just applied mathematics!" They all have a good laugh, at which point the philosopher interjects from across the table. "And mathematics is just applied philosophy!" The laughter roars even louder, and then the physicist turns to the philosopher. "Shut the fuck up and make my coffee."
Someone accused me of plagiarism….
That's their words, not mine.
Whats ET short for
It’s because his legs are little
I just got into a car accident!
The other driver got out of his car, and turns out he was a dwarf. He ran up to me and exclaimed "I'm not happy!" So I said, "Well, which one are you then?"
Me after finishing an introductory lesson on HTML pretending to understand the posts here
https://ift.tt/33XO0oi
My wife saw an ant picking up a leaf 5 times its body weight, and told me, “Can you imagine being that strong?”
So I picked up the leaf and said, “Yes.”
Did you hear about the actress who got stabbed?
I think her name was um.. Reese.. Reese…. “Reese Witherspoon?” No, with a knife.
I got some devastating news from the hospital today. My dad was pronounced dead.
I can’t believe I’ve been pronouncing it wrong all this time.
There’s a fine line between a numerator and a denominator
Only a fraction of people know this
My wife was really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction.
So I packed my bags and right.
My friend keeps saying, “If I wasn’t making drinks, I would be in jail.”
Currently he’s behind bars .
I used to be addicted to soap,
but I'm clean now.
Harry Potter and Ron Weasley are talking. Harry says, “Ron, I’m gay.”
"Are you fucking serious?!" asks Ron. "Yeah…that too," says Harry.
Why does society seem to hate lazy people?
They didn't even do anything.