Why don’t skeletons fight each other?
They don’t have the guts.
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Tonight I took my son to hockey practice and realized my wife forgot to pack his jersey from the dryer.
She told me she had everything, and I was in a rush. So it got left behind. Figured it out right away as we were getting him changed and messaged my wife. She said she would bring it right away. I told my son "You mom is going to run your jersey over" Without skipping a beat, he replied "Well that won't work, practice will probably be over. I wish she would just drive it over" Then he gave me a huge grin. I told him he won the dad joke of the day and he continued smiling all the way until bedtime.
The bartender says "Get out – We don't serve your type".
Because Recycling old shit is what Redditors do best . P.S.A – Do recycle ♻
It was obvious that she thought her cat could understand her. I came to my house and told my dog. We laughed a lot.
They're both reasonably shocked, but are very supportive. They assure him that they still love him, and wish he'd told them sooner. Everything seems to be going great, until the father poses a question to his son that makes the young man really think. "How are you going to focus on college if you're spending all your time being a moderator on Reddit?"
For example, right now you’re thinking, “It’s psychic, you idiot!”
There was this old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery.
One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!" Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say they had "fallen". This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the priest died at a ripe old age. About a week after the new priest arrived, he visited the mayor of the town and seemed very concerned. The priest said, "You have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep talking about having fallen." The mayor started to laugh, realizing that no-one had told the new priest about the code word. Before the mayor could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at the mayor and said, "I don't know what you're laughing about. Your wife fell three times this week."
To speak to the other side!
Saturday and Sunday…the rest are weekdays.
It always gives me the E B G Bs.
But he came in fifth and won a toaster.
I tell them it doesn't really matter.
I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been trippin all day.
"I'm a big metal fan."
Then it dawns on me
A poultry. (came up with that in the shower)
As he was dying he kept insisting “be positive”but it’s hard without him.
Would that make the people who enjoy my music “Ceiling Fans”?
I burst out laughing, 11 years old and he still doesn't know my name is Brian.
My wife came home and said "Well, well, well…"
Quick, everyone get out, this is NOT a drill!
Tastes like ass.
it was two-tired
After you’ve reddit.
The first brother flies off at 100mph and comes back 10 minutes later. His mouth was covered in blood. “You see the mansion over there?” Said the first brother, “I sucked everybody in there dry.” The second vampire said “That’s nothing” and flew off at 150mph and came back 5 minutes later with his nose and mouth covered in blood. “You see the village over there?” Said the second vampire brother, “I sucked everybody’s blood dry!” The third vampire said “That’s nothing!” And flew off at 200mph and came back 10 seconds later, his whole face and shirt DRENCHED in blood. “Woah, what happened?” Said the first brother. “Well, you see that tree over there?” Said the third vampire. “Yeah?” Replied the other brothers, “I didn’t.”
so I went home.
When I was 6, Santa gave me coal for Christmas, so the next year I decided to get back at him and poison his cookies.
Somehow, the bastard found out and killed my dad.
I guess you could call it a merci killing!
Got them tested, one came back positive. I hope it's not terminal.
He did CrossFit.
I do it to remind myself why there is no money in there.
Luckily I happened to be up practicing my trumpet
…where he finds an old chief who claims that he remembers everything that has ever happened in his life. The tourist is curious and asks the chief "What did you have for breakfast on your 5th birthday?" Without hesitation the chief replies "eggs". Impressed, he continues his vacation and returns home. Ten years later, he returns to the reservation and is surprised to see the same old chief again. He approaches the chief, puts his hand up flat and greets him with "how". The old chief simply replies "scrambled".
So I turned on the air conditioning.
He wasn’t a drunk, just awful with crosswords.
One says to the other "Does this taste funny to you?" The other says "No"