Why don’t you hear psychiatrists when they go to the bathroom?
The p is silent.
How do you know if an ant is a male or a female?
They're all females, otherwise they'd be uncles
I got hit in the head by a soda can the other day…
Luckily, it was a soft drink!
Why don’t mitochondria have girlfriends?
Because they're incells.
Confucius knew the answers to all of life’s questions.
The same cannot be said of his twin brother, Confusion.
Social distancing has led to Hooters offering delivery to your door.
They’re changing their name to Knockers.
You know why black people love watching sports?
Easy, cause they dominate that shit. It's the same reason white people watch the History Channel.
My 8 year old cousin: ” Why did the chicken cross the road?”
8yo cousin: To get to the idiot's house. Me (patronizingly): Oh..uh..yeah good one haha. 8yo cousin: Wanna hear another one? Knock knock Me: Who's there 8yo: The chicken.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
Great food, no atmosphere.
What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo?
One is really heavy and the other is a little lighter.
Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love, and got married…
The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent.
What’s the difference between Election day and Thanksgiving day?
On Thanksgiving, you get a turkey for the day, but on Election day, you get a turkey for four years.
Can’t wait to see Liam Neeson’s new film
Taken: Out Of Context.
A sheep, a drum, and a snake fall off a cliff
Ba-dumm-tsss
Elon Musk says he is going to pull Tesla out of California
Never trust a guy with 6 kids that says he is going to pull out
If a tree falls in the woods and nobody hears it
It means my illegal logging business is a success
My ex-girlfriend just told me she wants us to get back together. Man I sure am lucky !
I mean, first I win the lottery and now this
How do poets say hello?
Hey, haven’t we metaphor?
Husband: The kids haven’t eaten their sandwiches
Wife: ok just throw them out [Later] Husband: helping the kids pack a suitcase look I'm as surprised as you are
Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards….
creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is
The CIA,The FBI and the KGB
The CIA, the FBI and the KGB argue about who’s the best at catching criminals. The Secretary General of the UN decides to test them. He releases a rabbit into the woods and each of the divisions has to catch it. The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits don’t exist. The FBI goes in next. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest to the ground, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. That rabbit had it coming. The KGB goes in last. They come out a few hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is screaming: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"
The joys of a “custom” CMS…
If I never have to deal with another “custom CMS” ever again, it’ll be too soon… The latest one that’s been inflicted upon me, inspired me to make this meme:https://ift.tt/3fAGfuV
“Forget everything you learned in College”
"Forget everything you learned in college. You won't need it working here." "That works out because I never went to college." "Well then, I'm sorry. You are underqualified to work here"
I was having sex with my friend’s wife, the phone rang. I heard it was her husband and I quickly started to get dressed.
She told me not to worry. He was out drinking with me…
A man has been at the Pub all night drinking
The bartender finally says that the bar is closed. So our man stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside he stands up but again falls flat on his face. He crawls home. Reaching the door he tries to stand up, and yet again, falls flat on his face. He crawls through the door and up the stairs. When he reaches his bed he summons the last of his strength and tries one final time to stand. It's no use. He tumbles into bed and is soon sound asleep, only to awaken the next morning to the sound of his wife standing over him shouting. 'So… you've been out drinking again!' 'How did you know?' he asks, his head hung in shame. 'The pub called– you left your damn wheelchair down there again!'
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[Announcement] If you keep spamming your youtube channels here then your post will be marked as spam.
Which means that you will not only be banned from posting to this sub but you may get a shadow ban from reddit. Shadow ban means that you will not be able to post anything to ANY subreddit. Just follow the rules before posting.
I’m glad to see Reddit is meeting its goals to become one of the greenest companies in the world.
Take the front page, it's over 90% recycled content!
I asked a German girl for her number and I’m still waiting for the rest of the numbers
So far all I have is 9.
I just pooped in the elevator
And i took that shit to the next level
Sometimes I wonder what my parents did for fun before the internet.
I asked my 32 brothers and sisters, but they didn't know either.
If life gives you melons
you might be dyslexic
When does it start to rain money?
When there is change in the weather.