Why dude
When colleague does not have dark mode IDE and asks me to check something on his screen.
https://ift.tt/32HKZbh
Today I took all my daughter’s dolls and lined them up by the window facing our grill
I was just preparing a Barbie Queue
Petition to get SpaceX to send a Flat Earther into Space
http://chng.it/BDBrQHFJrk
I just got fired from the calendar factory and I don’t understand why
all I did was take a day off
The doctor looked at my test results and said, “Sir, you’ve got a very rare disease.” I said, “How rare?”
He said, “You pick the name.”
You guys hear about the depressed plumber?
He’s going through a lot of crap right now.
You know what makes me throw up?
A dart board on a ceiling.
What washes up on tiny beaches?
Microwaves!
Doctor just told a nun that she is pregnant.
Nun: "Doctor, you can't be serious – I haven't had sex with a man even once in my entire life! I am saving myself for God!" Doc: "Sorry, but the tests show undoubtedly that you are pregnant…" Nun leaves the doctor in anger and bursts back into church shouting: "Ok, who in the name of the God HAD CUM ONTO THE CANDLES!!!"
My flat-earther friend decided to walk to the end of the world to prove it is flat.
In the end, he came around.
I just had to divorce an Apple employee
It was an iDivorce
Steve Jobs would’ve made a better president than Donald Trump
But that's comparing apples to oranges
By the time you realize you’re not in shape
it's too far to walk back.
Who can drink two liters of gasoline?
Jerry can!
With great reflexes…
Comes great response ability.
Tinder is the opposite of porn ads….
There are actually tons of hot singles in my area, But none of them are interested in me.
I used to be addicted to soap,
but I'm clean now.
I asked my son to take 9 from 8, to which he replied “minus one”, I said…
“Yours is one what?”
I burned 2,000 calories yesterday.
Left the brownies in the oven too long.
I saw a red pimple and a green pimple holding hands.
I guess oppozits attract
I don’t always install solar panels for free…
But this ones on the house
Two men are sitting on a park bench
And a stray dog comes along and sits down next to them. Then the dog starts licking his balls. The men watch for a moment and one says "Gosh, I wish I could do that." The other says "Well, you'd better pet him a little first."
A very loud, grossly over-weight, and very unattractive woman walked into Walmart with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.
The Wal-Mart Greeter says, "Good morning, and welcome to Walmart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?" The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, "Hell no! They ain't no twins! Oldest one's nine, and the fat one's seven. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?" In a very pleasant tone, the greeter responded, "I'm neither blind nor stupid. I just couldn't believe that you got laid twice."
How do you measure the heaviness of a red hot chili pepper?
Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now.
Today I had my appointment with my psychiatrist
He thinks that I'm paranoid. He didn't say it, but I know he's thinking it.
Man: Judge, 60% of my parking tickets are bogus!
Judge: Repeat infractions? Man: Fine. 3/5 of my parking tickets are bogus!
My son identifies as a crescent moon.
I hope it's just a phase.
“We need to do something about your carpentry addiction.”
"Can't I just finish the bar I was making for my house?" "No, that would be counter-productive."
My dad has a pencil that was once owned by Shakespeare.
It's so chewed up that we can't tell if it's 2b or not 2b.
What did 50 cent do when he got hungry?
58. Edit: I genuinely didn’t know this was a repost my dad told it to me and I thought it was worthy.
Little Suzie walks in on her parents having sex.
She's told to wait downstairs. Her mother comes down first and tries to console her. Mommy, what were you doing to daddy? Well sweetheart, you know how your father's a little overweight? Every day I bounce up and down on top of him to let some of the air out. The little girl starts laughing. What's so funny hunny? You're wasting your time mommy. Every day when you go to work, the neighbor comes over and blows him right back up!
