Why hasn’t Barbie ever gotten pregnant?
Because Ken always came in a different box.
So there’s a farm. On this farm, there’s a cow, a chicken, and a horse, and the three of them are best friends.
They do just about everything together. And one day, they're sitting at the window of the house, and the farmer's kid is watching MTV, and they're watching it, and they hear the music, and the horse says "you know what? I'm gonna learn how to do that." So the horse calls up Guitar Center, and he says to the guy on the phone, "Hey, listen. I wanna learn to play guitar." Guy on the phone says "no problem. Come on down." "No, there might be one problem. I'm a horse." "Naw, it ain't a problem. We'll get some attachments, I can teach you to play. Promise." So horse turns out to be a natural. He gets GOOD. And he calls over Cow and Chicken and he's like "LOOK WHAT I CAN DO" and he jams out like Jimi Hendrix. And Cow says "holy shit. That's awesome. I want to learn to do something like that too. What's like that?" And horse says "Bass. Learn to play bass." So Cow calls up Guitar Center, and she says "Hey, listen, I wanna learn to play bass guitar." Guy on the phone says "No problem, miss, come on down." "Eh, this might be a problem. I'm a cow." "Nah, no problem. I helped a horse recently, I can teach you to play too. Promise." So Cow learns to play the bass, and Cow is fucking amazing at it. So Cow and Horse are jamming, and Chicken gets a bit jealous. He says "Damn, I wanna learn something too. But not like that." Horse says "Well, I mean, we need a drummer around here." So Chicken calls up Guitar Center, and he says "Hey, listen, I wanna learn to play drums." Guy on the phone says "No problem, man. Come on down." "Eh, maybe a problem. I'm a chicken." "Naw. Ain't no thing. I taught a horse guitar and a cow bass. I can teach you drums." So chicken learns the drums, and he's fucking amazing. So Cow, Horse, and Chicken all start having jam sessions whenever the farmer's out. And one day they're playing, and a big record agent is driving down the road. And he hears them, and he's like "what the fuck? that sounds amazing." so he stops at the farm, and he finds them all playing in the barn. And he says "Holy shit. You guys sound AWESOME. I wanna represent you, make this a real band, make some music. You're gonna be HUGE." So Cow and Chicken and Horse take this guy's deal, and they move to the city, they cut albums, and they're big. REAL big. Top 10 hits, platinum albums, the works. They get set for their first tour. But there's a problem, see. Horse gets a phone call, his mom's real sick. Cow and Chicken, though, they're cool as hell. They say "Listen. Go see your mom. We'll delay the first show a couple of days, so fly back home, spend some time with her, and then jump on a plane and come meet us." Horse says "Thanks, guys. you're the best," and he takes off. Couple of days later, Horse's mom is just fine. Turned out to be a real bad cold, she gets over it, and he spends another night there. The following morning, he gets a call. It's his agent. Cow and Chicken's plane went down, they died in the crash. The band is done. he's lost his best friends. And horse, this breaks him, man. He's been through so much with them, and he feels real down in the dumps. So he takes a walk, and while he's on that walk, he just can't shake the blue, so he figures to himself "Alright, alright. One drink, just to get over it." So Horse walks into the local bar. Bartender looks at him and says "Hey. Why the long face?" EDIT: Thanks for the silver <3
What’s the worst thing a woman can hear after giving Willie Nelson a blowjob?
"I'm not Willie Nelson."
Keep an eye on the volleyball team at prom.
They might spike the punch.
Me: Yeah I’ll probably die alone
Waiter: No I said will you be dining alone? Me: Oh
My neighbor and I are good friends. So we thought we share our water supply.
We got a long well.
My son is a man trapped in a woman’s body.
He’ll be born in February.
What did Kim Jong-Un say yesterday before he died?
My Korea is over
Why haven’t aliens visited our solar system yet?
They looked at the reviews… Only 1 star.
What should you do when its cold?
stand in the corner, because its 90 degrees there
A priest, a monk, and a rabbit walk into a blood bank
The rabbit says, "I'm a type O."
A woman was in bed with 3 men when her husband came home.
One of them hid in the closet, the second one went under the bed, and the third one went to the balcony. After a while, the one under the bed came out and said: "OK, madam, your bed is fixed now." She told her husband that she called this guy to repair one of the legs of the bed. The husband thanks him and gives him money. Later, the one in the closet steps out and says "Now, your drawers are working properly." The husband thanks him too and gives him money. The one in the balcony, who saw everything but did not hear anything, came out with great excitement and said: "I fucked her too."
Boobs are like the sun.
You can stare at em longer if you're wearing sunglasses.
Yesterday, a beautiful girl asked me if I wanted to watch a movie.
She said, "What movie would you like to see?" I said, “You pick." She said, “You pick." I said, “I don't care. You pick." She said, “Sir, there are people waiting behind you waiting to buy tickets."
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office I will find you
You have my Word
9 out of 10 dermatologists agree that towels…
…are the leading cause of dry skin.
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer
I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.
Started smoking for this girl who told me she was into people with cancer
Turns out she was talking about zodiacs. Anyway I've got three months to live.
I always knock on the fridge before I open it
Just in case there’s a salad dressing
My grandpa always said, “Always try to be the fish going against the current.”
Good man. Got electrocuted every day though.
What do you call a cheap cicumcision?
A rip off.
Have you tried German sausages?
They're the wurst
4 20
20, 20, 20, and 20.
[NSFW] Little Johnny asked his grandfather if he could have a cookie from the cookie jar
Grandfather: “Can your dick touch your ass?” Johnny: “No.” Grandfather: “Then no cookies for you.” A number of years later, when Johnny had grown up and was visiting his grandfather again, he asked, “Hey, can I have a beer?” Grandfather: “Can your dick touch your ass?” Johnny: “Hell yeah!” Grandfather: “Well then go fuck yourself.”
My wallet is like an onion
When I open it, it makes me cry.
My wife just called me.
She said, "Three of the girls in the office have just received some flowers for Valentines Day, they are absolutely gorgeous." I said, "That's probably why they've received flowers then."
Remember, having sex regularly is great for your memory!
Have an awesome 2016! ❤️
Why did the stadium get hot after the game?
Because all the fans left
True story, happened in grad school when we had to learn fortran for some reason
https://ift.tt/3009lyq
There is a petition circulating on Twitter and Facebook calling on Canada to invade the US.
https://ift.tt/2UE9G6i
[At the chameleon store]
Me: Do you have any chameleons? Clerk: I have no fucking idea
