Why haven’t aliens visited our solar system yet?
They checked the reviews……………. only one star.
People are so sensitive now-a-days.
People are so sensitive now-a-days. You can’t even say “black paint.” Instead you gotta say,” Jamal, will you please paint the fence?”
Not bragging, but I made six figures last year,
so they named me the year's worst employee at the toy factory.
I’ll never use that dictionary again…
The definition it gave for "obfuscate" was confusing and misleading.
The past, present, and future walked into a bar.
It was tense.
Monday: Greg. Tuesday: Ian: Wednesday: Greg. Thursday: Ian. Friday: Greg
A GregOrIan calendar
I really hope coronavirus can’t spread through sex
It would be so lonely being the last man on Earth.
So I got a virus on my computer
And the thing is, I didn't do anything and it just disappeared. Must have ransomware.
Gotta love dad jokes
Wife: I have something I need to tell you, I’m pregnant. Husband: Hi pregnant, I’m Dad. Wife: No you’re not.
I tried to catch some fog
I mist
I bought a do it yourself book on Amazon.
I only got paper, bindings and glue in the mail
What’s worse than an unanswered question?
No text found
What’s the difference between necrophilia and a choking fetish?
15 seconds, give or take.
Why is Yoda such a good Gardner?
Because he has green thumbs
A lady dies and goes to heaven. She arrives at the pearly gates and is greeted by Saint Peter.
There are a few people waiting, so she strikes up a conversation with him. Just then, she hears a blood curdling scream! “What was that?” she asks. “Oh, don’t worry about that,” says Saint Peter, “It’s just someone getting a hole drilled in their head so they can be fitted for their halo.” A few seconds later, she hears another agonized scream, this one even more terrible than the one before. “What was that?!” she asked anxiously. “Oh ,don’t worry,” says Saint Peter soothingly, “It’s just someone getting holes drilled in their back so they can be fitted for their wings.” The lady starts to back away. “Where are you going?” asks Saint Peter. “I think I’ll go downstairs, if it’s all the same to you,” says the lady. “But you can’t go there,” says the saint, “You’ll be raped and sodomized!” “It’s OK,” says the lady, “I’ve already got the holes for that.”
I saw a bunch of guys in black leather jackets crowded around under some trees
It seemed very shady.
I had to get a loan to pay for an exorcism.
They said if I didn’t pay it back on time I’d get repossessed.
Did you know
You can hear the blood in your veins. If you listen… varicosely
Every morning, I find that somebody has quietly put a bunch of celery on my front door step…
I think I’m being stalked…
My friend asked if I wanted to play Yahtzee.
I said "no dice."
The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, "Well, tell him he's bloody good – I ain't got any kids!"
What does a dyslexic agnostic insomniac do on his free time?
He stays up at night wondering if there really is a dog.
Did you hear about the Mexican magician?
He said “for my next trick, I will disappear on the count of three. Uno, dos -” but then he vanished without a tres.
Horse with a horn or a 40-foot neck leopard thing? You decide
Horse with a horn or a 40-foot neck leopard thing? You decide
I thought of a great joke about a boomerang, but I forgot it.
It will come back to me.
While he was out, my husband text me ‘I think I’ll run through the car wash on my way home.’
I replied: 'Probably better to drive the car through.'
I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes…
And then she gave me a huge hug.
Never get in a fight with a T-rex.
You'll get jurasskicked..
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in France?
There was nothing left but de Brie.
They should stock ATMs better…
I went to 4 different ones and they all said insufficient funds…
“One man’s trash is another man’s treasure”..
..is a shitty way to tell a kid they're adopted
Spelling An L
Is down-right easy
The four seasons were arguing about which of them was the best…
Winter boasts, "Well, you can build snowmen and the snow is so beautiful. And Christmas!! Everyone loves Christmas!" Spring laughs, "Well sure, but come springtime, everything is so fresh and new! All the new flowers, it can't get much better than that!" Summer rays, "Yes, but I am undoubtably the overall best season! Girls in bikinis, ice cream, nice weather. You can't top that. What about you autumn, what do you have to offer?" Autumn leaves…
My boss is threatening to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch it might be me.
I grew facial hair without telling anyone.
It's my secret 'stache.
I picked up a hitchhiker last night. He seemed surprised I picked up a stranger and asked. “Thanks but why’d you pick me up? How do you know I’m not a serial killer?”
I told him the chances of two serial killers in one car would be astronomical.
Even robots need a vacation from time-to-time
When I was a young man in in Army Cadets, we had big ornamental robot that we called ‘old-iron-sides’ with a big brass bugle that would play all the calls to the troops. In the morning it would play ‘reveille’ to wake, ‘mess call’ for meals, ‘drill call’ to assemble in the square, etc. We all got so used to these queues that we relied to them to know what to do at each time of the day. Until one day iron robot was silent and everyone was disoriented, not knowing when to get up, go eat or start a drill. Finally, I went to ask my commanding officer why there were no calls. He said “He’s taking a vacation day”. So I guess it was the Ferrous Bugler's day off.
Balls..
A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Mexico. While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, but the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?" The waiter replied, "Ah, Señor, you have excellent taste! Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A real delicacy!" The cowboy said, "What the heck, bring me an order." The waiter replied, "I am so sorry, Señor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy." The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, "These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday." The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si, Señor. Sometimes the bull wins."
I recently became addicted to viagra..
My wife has been taking it really, really hard.
I’ve recently got a job making chess pieces.
I'm currently working knights.
imagine if Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight.
there would be mass confusion.
Me 2 weeks into 2024 (Tomorrow is March 1st)
Me 2 weeks into 2024 (Tomorrow is March 1st)