Why is 6 afraid of 7? (the answer is not what you’re thinking)
Not what you're thinking
I think it’s working, she said we should split up. She went to her parents house and I’m looking for clues in the garden.
Policeman: Whose car is this, where are you going and what do you do. Miner: mine
They always quack the case.
They would call it crucifact.
I'll let you know.
What happened next will shock you!
Sylvester Stallone says, "Guys, we should make a movie with the three of us, but I'm all out of ideas at the moment, I'm kind of bored with the standard action flicks." Chuck says, "Guys, I'm bored of doing action movies too and I've got some ideas but you may not like them." Sylvester says, "Let us hear it." So Chuck continues, "All right, this may sound silly, but I was actually thinking about doing a movie on great classical composers." That's when Arnold throws himself in the conversation and says, "That sounds like a great idea! Sylvester, you can be Mozart, and Chuck can be Beethoven!" "And who will you be, Arnold?" "I'll be Bach."
I’ll only be telling inside jokes.
I get scared just thinking about it!
His pal warns, "That might not be such a good idea. Have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"
Me: Wait, I can explain everything!
Other words I found much harder
Doctor: WOW! That’s the worst case of parking son’s disease I’ve ever seen.
If any of you have roommates that you love to death, please don't watch this video. For those of you who have those roommates that drive you up a wall and you are questioning your sanity on a daily basis, please watch this video. Video Link: https://youtu.be/ec2giEHgg4I
Because it's white and settles on their land.
Looking sharp looking fresh, 10 out of 10 would smash!
Me: Leave that to me later at dinner Her dad: coughs I need water Me: Oh no! Grandpa needs water!
I told her we use names here.
But the doctor said the procedure couldn’t go ahead due the fact that “there is literally no end to this prick”
It ended poorly.
An army man was walking by in the car park so she waved him over and said "excuse me can you help me, I've locked myself out". "Sure" he says. So he takes off his pants and rubs them against the door and as if by magic the door unlocked. "Wow" said the woman, "how did you do that?" He replies "These are my khakis".
Because he was resisting a rest.
when a lizard walks past and looks up and says to the monkey "Hey! What are you doing?" The monkey says "Smoking a joint, come up and have some." So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they share a joint. After a while the lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and is going to get a drink from the river. The lizard climbs down the tree, walks thru the jungle to the river and leans over the river to get his drink. The lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river. A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the lizard and helps him to the side, then asks the lizard, "What's the matter with you?" The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with a monkey in a tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink. The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the jungle, finds the tree where the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint. He looks up and says "Hey you!" The Monkey looks down and says, "Duuuuuuuuuude…….how much water did you drink?!"
I've never run so far in my life.
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The police pulled the bus over and ordered him to get down.
Outlaws are wanted.
Finally he decided on Carlos and ran away to Mexico.
No, seriously, it is.
The shitty golfer goes, -WHAM!- "FUCK!" The shitty skydiver goes, "FUCK!" -WHAM!-
After a few hours of debate, no one was willing to concede, and it was decided that a vote must be held. Unfortunately, with so few friends present, it was clear that they would need to bring the vote to the greater public. The group decided that each friend would make a plea to the subreddit of their choice, and whoever received the most karma for it would win. Adam, already undecided himself, decided to go to /r/AskReddit. He laid out the agreement, and asked that everyone vote one their favorite movie, and the one with the most votes he would use for the his friends. Unfortunately, as the votes were split in that sub, his highest post amounted to a mere 38 points. Paul, a big proponent for the Toy Story franchise, posted to /r/nostalgia in the hopes that everyone who grew up with Toy Story would agree. Unfortunately, as there had been two sequels (with a third on the way) it wasn't exactly considered "nostalgia" and he got downvoted into oblivion. Bill, who loved Monsters Inc., made his case using some trickery. Going to /r/news, he found a seemingly unrelated post, and made a top-level comment describing, in great detail, why Monsters Inc. was the greatest film of all time. The fact that the post was so out of context made everyone flock to it, and drew enough attention to new him over a thousand fake internet points. Mike, who loved the Incredibles movies, decided to stay in his wheelhouse. Over the course of several hours, he created each of the family members from the Incredibles in Soulcaliber VI. Finally, he photoshopped the family together, and posted it to /r/gaming. Under normal circumstances this would have skyrocketed to the top, but the format was stale, and thus only received 20k karma. Still, Mike was confident in his victory. While the other four friends came up with plans on how to maximize their karma gains, Chris sat silently. For hours he sat, making no posts, coming up with no original content. Finally, an hour before the deadline, he broke into his neighbor's house, stealing his copy of the Pixar movie "Up". He took a picture of his theft and posted it directly to /r/Jokes with the title "STOLEN". When the group got together the next day to see who got the most votes, everyone was in awe. Chris's post had over 40,000 points. "How did you know that would win?" "Easy," Chris replied. "Everyone knows stolen content on /r/Jokes gets all the Up votes."
That would be one stone, gold motherfucker
Fine. Suit yourself
Inmate: It’s bec… Officer: Yes? Inmate: I think I have… Officer: Go on. Inmate: Can I Please finish my sentence?! Officer: Sure. Parole denied!
The man answers: "Wow, how did you know?" Cashier: "Because you're ugly."