Why is 6 afraid of 7? (the answer is not what you’re thinking)
Not what you're thinking
I wanted to name our son Miles but my wife thought we should go with something more universally accepted.
So we named him Kilometers
What did the drummer name his twin daughters?
Anna 1 Anna 2
What kind of organization does an atheist start?
A non-prophet one
Idk why marvel hasn’t tried to put advertisements on Hulk
He is basically a giant banner.
I just realized my wife left me because of my obsession with simplifying fractions.
Oh well, hindsight is 1.
I think I’m done buying trash bags.
I always end up throwing them away anyways.
I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high.
She looked surprised.
Best incest joke? It’s actually pretty hilarious, but I won’t tell you.
We keep it in the family
I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram.
I was like, 0mg!
What is the difference between Inlaws and Outlaws?
Outlaws are Wanted…
One day I would love to have sex in Space.
Or on Earth.
Someone just called me emotionless
I don't know how to feel about it
Thank you
This isn't a dad joke. This is a thank you to everyone on this subreddit. 6 weeks ago the love of my life broke things off with me due to factors attributed to my mental health (which i didn't tell her about because she is struggling with uni and i didn't want her to worry) and I've been having an extremely difficult time coming to terms with it. She's falling for another guy while I've been self destructing to the point where she never wants to talk to me again. But i found this subreddit today, the jokes are so stupid and funny that for the first time since before the breakup, I've laughed and it was genuine. Thank you so much for your stupid jokes. You've saved my life as far as I'm concerned. I still have a long way to to, but this subreddit is definitely going to get me through it. Thank you 💖
When I was young, I used to think earwigs actually lived in your ears
so you can imagine how terrified I was of cockroaches.
An American spy is in Soviet Russia, digging up information on a powerful Russian politician. He finds him in a bar, walks in dressed in Russian attire, pretending to be Russian. Everybody in the bar looks at him, but he keeps his cool. He orders a drink and walks to the politician…
"Greetings, comrade." says the spy, but before he could finish his sentence, the Russian says, "I think you are American spy." The spy is alarmed, but being a skilled, trained, spy, he says, "That is not true! I am the proudest Soviet there is! I can sing the anthem more beautifully than any other man in the country!" He then proceeds to sing the Soviet anthem, so melodically and beautifully, that everybody in the bar cheers. "Very good, very good!" says the politician. "But I still think you are spy." The man continues to keep his cool. "I am a historian! I can tell you everything about this glorious country!" He then spends about two hours recounting the Revolution, the Great Patriotic War, about how superior to the Russia is in terms of technology compared to America and makes a great argument about how communism is beneficial to society. "Amazing! You are skilled!" says the politician. The spy smirks. "But I still think you American spy." The spy is getting frustrated, but still unfazed. He replies, "I am good drinker, a true Russian! Let us drink, and see who can come out top!" The bar turns its attention to the politician and the spy, who are now in a drinking contest. The bartender serves drink after drink of vodka. After about an hour of drinking, the politician nearly passes out, unable to hold as much liquor as the spy, to a resounding cheer amongst the bar. In the midst of the cheering, the Russian politician gets up, smiling, and in a slurred speech, repeats, "You are good, you are good… but I still think you are spy." The American spy, piss drunk, loses his skill and gives up. "Okay, you got me. I am an American. But what made you think that way, after all this time?" The Russian politician replies, "There aren't many black people in Russia."
Within minutes, the detective figured out what the murder weapon was.
It was a brief case.
Why did the chicken cross the playground?
To get to the other slide
What do you call it when two transgender midgets have sex?
Micro trans-action
As an introverted entrepreneur in the coal industry…
I mined my own business.
True Fact: Before the crowbar was invented
Most crows drank at home
Where do sheep get their haircut?
At the baa baa shop!
I went to Borders and asked the blonde for a book about turtles
She said 'hardback?' So I replied, 'yeah, with 4 legs and little heads'
In the year 2000, Putin was elected President of Russia…
The night after he was sworn into office, Vladimir Putin had a dream. In it, he stood in a long, elegant hall, and was surrounded by all of the great leaders of Russia, from Ivan the Terrible to Boris Yeltsin. Looking around at them all, he eventually bows his head and says: "Great rulers of Russia, I seek your wisdom in our country's time of need. How should I lead it to greater prosperity?" The leaders all turn, looking towards a shorter man towards the front: Joseph Stalin. He steps forward, and says to Putin: "Here are the two things that you must do. First, gather up all the Democrat politicians and have them shot. Second, paint the outside of the Kremlin blue." Putin looks back at Stalin, incredulously. "Blue?! Why would I paint the Kremlin blue?" Stalin cracks a smile, and then howls with laughter. Turning towards the rest of the men, he proudly proclaims, "See? I told you he wouldn't ask about the first one!"
My buddy said he doesn’t know what cloning is
That makes two of us.
My teacher said I wouldn’t be good at poetry because of my dyslexia.
So far I have made three jugs and a vase so fuck you, Mr. Johnson!
![The Invisible Man [OC]](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/01/74snu9ek96b41-1-400x433.png)
Have you seen the new Exorcist movie?
This time it’s the devil trying to get the priest out of the child.
I’m a little confused as to why everyone keeps giving me legos for my birthday.
I don’t know what to make of it.
Sam walks into his boss’s office.
“Sir, I’ll be straight with you, I know the economy isn’t great, but I have over three companies after me, and I would like to respectfully ask for a raise.” After a few minutes of haggling the boss finally agrees to a 5% raise, and Sam happily gets up to leave. “By the way”, asks the boss as Sam is getting up, “which three companies are after you?” “The electric company, water company, and phone company”, Sam replied.
My 72 year old uncle posted this. Not gonna lie, it gave me a bit of a chuckle
https://ift.tt/2GwyuGc
Someone’s going to have to put an end to this Epstein meme craze.
Cause it’s not gonna kill itself.
Teenage daughter asked “When is that new Elton John movie coming out?”
I replied "I think it's gonna be a long, long time"
I love raising caterpillars as pets.
It always gives me butterflies.
My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction
So I packed up my stuff and right
Why can’t Miss Piggy count to 70?
Because when she gets to 69 there's a frog in her throat.
(Star war joke) From where did Aniken skywalker get his robotic hand?
From the second HAND shop
My father in law did well tonight.
NSFW At a restaurant tonight FIL: What do you call nuts on a wall? Everyone:…. FIL:Walnuts! Everyone:groan…. FIL:What do you call nuts in a chest? Everyone:… FIL:CHESTNUTS!! Everyone:… FIL:What do you call nuts on a chin?? Everyone:… FIL:A blowjob!! Everyone:Oh god no…. I'm so proud of him.
“Forgive me father, for I have sinned”
Girl: "Forgive me father for I have sinned." Priest: "What have you done my child?" Girl: "I called a man a son of a bitch." Priest: "Why did you call him a son of a bitch?" Girl: "Because he touched my hand." Priest: "Like this?" (as he touches her hand) Girl: "Yes father." Priest: "That's no reason to call a man a son of a bitch." Girl: "Then he touched my breast." Priest: "Like this?" (as he touched her breast) Girl: "Yes father." Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch." Girl: "Then he took off my clothes, father." Priest: "Like this?" (as he takes off her clothes) Girl: "Yes father." Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch." Girl: "Then he stuck his you know what into my you know where." Priest: "Like this?" (as he stuck his you know what into her you know where) Girl: "YES FATHER, YES FATHER, YES FATHER!!!" Priest: (after a few minutes): "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch." Girl: "But father he had AIDS!" Priest: "THAT SON OF A BITCH!!!"
Genie: I will grant you 3 wishes.
Me: I've seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way. Genie: I promise that won't happen. I'm so sure it won't I'll give you infinite wishes if it does. Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth. Genie: You son of a ……..
A classics professor goes to a tailor to get his trousers mended. The tailor asks: “Euripides?”
The professor replies: “Yes. Eumenides?"
A farmer counted 297 cows in the field.
But when he rounded them up, he had 300.
If you’re ever feeling lonely, just remember…
Every day is a date.
I don’t understand why people celebrate pi day
It’s irrational.
