Why is Cinderella bad at football?
Because sheโs always running away from the ball.
Why do blind people hate skydiving?
Because it scares the shit out of their dogs.
This bar joke caught me by surprise
A weasel walks into a bar. The Bartender says, "Wow, I've never served a weasel before. What can I get you?" "Pop," goes the weasel.
Three construction workers are sitting down on a beam of a skyscraper to eat their lunch…
First guy says, "Tuna fish on rye again? I tell ya. If that bitch makes me tuna fish on rye again tomorrow, I'm just going to jump off this building and kill myself!" Second guy says, "Leftover meatloaf for the third day in a row! If I gotta eat this crap one more day, I'm just going to jump off this building and end it all!" Third guy says, "Bologna sandwiches again! Yuck! If I gotta eat this shit one more time, I'm just gonna jump." The next day, the first guy opens his lunch. He sees it's a tuna on rye, and he yells, "FUCK!!!" and he jumps off the building and splatters on the street below. The second guy opens his lunch box. "Goddamn meatloaf again! That's it!" And he leaps to his death as well. Splat! The third guy opens his lunch box. "FUCK!" he says. "Bologna! Goodbye, world!" And he steps off the girder too. A moment later, he splatters on the street below. At the funeral, the widows are sobbing and crying to the heavens. "Oh, Joe! If you'd only you'd told me you didn't like tuna fish! I would have made you something else!" And she breaks down, inconsolable. The second widow tears at her shirt. "Bill! Dear sweet Bill! Why didn't you tell me you hated meatloaf so much! I had a fridge full of cold cuts of all types!" And she collapses to the floor, heartbroken. Everybody looks at the third widow, sitting there knitting all by herself. She looks up and realizes they're staring. "Don't look at me," she says. "That idiot packed his own lunches."
My body is in a disgusting, embarrassing, totally repulsive state right now
New Jersey, I'm in New Jersey
I swiped right on a girl without a picture, and we matched.
So after a brief chat i went to go pick her up. I wasn't expecting much, probably 300 lbs with bad skin, but hey, I was so desperate it was this or join an incel chatroom. I walked up to the door and lo and behold, 5'2", baby blue eyes, strawberry blonde hair, all the right curves in all the right places. I couldn't believe my luck. I asked her what she did for a living. She said she taught sunday school. Now I never had me a Christian girl, but I'm open minded so I took her to dinner. On the way, I lit a joint and asked her if she puffs. "Oh heaven's no, what would I tell my Sunday school children." I said okay, weed's 50/50 some people do some people don't. And I took her to the best restaurant I knew. I ordered the steak, she ordered the lobster. I asked for the second most expensive bottle of wine on the menu. When the waitress came to pour, She said she didn't drink. I said "you don't drink?!?" "Oh heaven's no, what would I tell my Sunday school children." Excellent food, sparkling conversation but i'm bummed out, I don't know what to do with a girl like this. So I'm driving her home and pass a cheap motel, I figure, what have I got to lose. So i ask: "wanna get a room and knock boots?" She says: I thought you'd never ask! I say: Really? What are you gonna tell your Sunday school children? She says: The same thing I tell them every week. You don't have to drink and do drugs to have a good time!
What’s a Shark’s favorite type of sandwich?
A peanut butter and Jellyfish sandwich.
Iโve dedicated my whole life to finding a cure for insomnia.
I wonโt rest until I find it.
Which weighs more, a gallon of water or a gallon of butane?
A gallon of water. Butane is lighter fluid.
Day Job
A passenger in a taxi tapped the driver on the shoulder to hand him the money. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window. For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, then the driver said, "Please, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me." The passenger, who was also frightened, apologized and said he didn't realize that a tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much,to which the driver replied, "I'm sorry, it's really not your fault at all. Today is my first day driving a cab. I have been driving a hearse for the last 25 year
I thought it was impossible to get injured while masturbating…
But I think I've pulled it off.
Why should china have a base ball team?
Because they can take down the whole world with one bat.
I had a joke about time travel but you guys didnโt like it.
So I choose not to post it this time around
Einstein sits next to a man on a long flight.
Einstein says,"Let's play a game. I will ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you will pay me only $5; but if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500". The man agrees and the game proceeds. Einstein asks the first question, โWhat is the distance between the Earth and the Moon?โ The man doesn't say a word. He reaches into his pocket, and pulls out $5. He then asks Einstein, โWhat goes up a hill with 3 legs, but comes down on 4?โ Einstein thinks about it for a long time, but fails to answer the question. After almost an hour, he gives the man $500. An irritated Einstein then asks, โWell, so what goes up a hill on 3 legs and comes down on 4?โ. The man reaches into his pocket and gives Einstein $5.
Isn’t it weird when sometimes you’re thinking about someone and then they suddenly appear?
Anyway, my dad just caught me masturbating
Twโโo wiveโโs went ouโโt foโโr girlsโโ’ night.
Botโโh goโโt drunkโโ, starteโโd walkinโโg homโโe anโโd haโโd tโโo gโโo tโโo thโโe bathroomโโ. Theโโy stoppeโโd aโโt โโa cemeterโโy buโโt haโโd nothinโโg tโโo wipโโe withโโ. Onโโe useโโd heโโr pantieโโs anโโd thโโe otheโโr grabbeโโd โโa wreatโโh ofโโf โโa graveโโ. Thโโe nexโโt morningโโ, onโโe husbanโโd callโโs thโโe otheโโr anโโd says, "Nโโo morโโe girlsโโ' nighโโt outโโ. Mโโy wifโโe camโโe bacโโk witโโh nโโo panties." "Yoโโu thinโโk yoโโu havโโe iโโt bad?โโ", sayโโs thโโe otherโโ, "Minโโe camโโe bacโโk witโโh โโa carโโd stucโโk iโโn heโโr cracโโk thaโโt reaโโd froโโm alโโl oโโf uโโs aโโt thโโe firโโe station..โโ. wโโe wilโโl neveโโr forgeโโt you."
If you feel the Bern you should vote for Bernie Sanders
That way you can get a doctor to take a look at it
Dear Microsoft:
If you had called your search engine Bang instead of Bing, you'd have destroyed Google. What would you rather say? "I just Googled Rihanna"or "I just Banged Rihanna."
Why did the banker leave his job?
because he lost interest
Well… Well… Well…
If it isn't 3 holes in the ground…
“I used to be a Christian”
The girl said. The boy chuckled "that's fine what made you Convert?" The girl turned and said "I feel more like a Christina than a Christian"
Experts say Donald Trump been setting an outstanding example during the Covid-19 outbreak
28 consecutive press briefings spent washing his hands