Why is dark spelt with a K and not a C?
Because you can’t C in the dark.
Why does Britain like tea so much?
Because tea leaves.
My girlfriend told me, “I don’t think I’ve ever seen you sweep or mop in my life.”
I said, “Floors are beneath me.”
A priest, an imam and a rabbit walk into a blood bank
The rabbit says : I think I might be a type O.
Shout out to my GPS
I don't know where I'd be without it
Why did the big bird feel left out?
Because he was ostrich sized
Autocorrect can go straight to he’ll.
No text found
Once there were four business men. They were sitting on a bench in a hospital waiting room because their wives were having babies.
A nurse comes over and says to the first businessman, "Congratulations! Your wife had a baby." The man says, "What a coincidence! I'm the president of And1!" The nurse goes away. Then the nurse comes back and says to the second businessman, "Congratulations! Your wife had twins!" The man says, "What a coincidence! I'm the owner of the Minnesota Twins!" The nurse goes away. The nurse comes back and says to the third businessman, "Congratulations! Your wife had triplets!" The man says, "What a coincidence! I work for Triple Crown!" The nurse goes away. The nurse comes back and sees the fourth businessman alone on the bench crying. She asks, "Why are you crying"? The man replies, "I work for Seven Up."
There was a psychic midget who broke out of jail
The news headline was there is a small medium at large
Emojis, millennials, stick shift, and cursive? Check, check, check and check.
https://ift.tt/2wQ2VWA
When women wear bikinis, they expose about 96% of their bodies.
But men are so polite, they only look at the covered parts.
An old pilot is telling some schoolchildren about his days in the airforce. He says, “so there were 3 fuckers to the right of me, 1 fucker behind me and 2 fuckers to my left”. The teacher interrupts, “you see children, the Fokker was a German plane”.
The pilot replies, "that may be, but these fuckers were in Messerschmidts".
My friend is obsessed with monorails.
He truly has a one track mind.
My cousin posted two jokes on this sub, but the mods deleted both of them.
He is my cousin, twice [removed]
Someone just complimented my wife and told her that she and our daughter looked like twins.
I said, “Well, they were separated at birth.”
A drill sergeant ran his platoon of recruits all over the camp in the hot sun with heavy packs on.
As they stood there, exhausted, he put his face up to one of the recruit's face and said, "I'll bet you're wishing I would die so you could come and urinate on my grave, aren't you?" And the recruit says, "No, sir! When I get out of the army I'm never gonna stand in another line again!"
The repairs on big ben are expected to take 3 years
That's a long time considering they're working around the clock
A Scotsman, Englishman and an Irishman were drinking at a bar
"As good as this bar is," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow , there's a wee place called McTavish's. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink." "Well, Angus," said the Englishman, "At my local in London , the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two." "Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said the Irishman, "back home in my favorite pub, the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like, actually. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see dat you gets laid, all on the house!" The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims. The Irishman swore every word was true. "Did this actually happen to you?" "Not meself, personally, no," admitted the Irishman, "but it did happen to me sister quite a few times … "
Some lettuce, an egg, and a faucet had a race. What was the result?
The lettuce came in ahead, the egg got beat and the faucet is still running.
I got lead poisoning from a Dr. Pepper knock-off
I guess I shouldn’t drink Mr. Pb again
I lost my watch at a party once.
An hour later I saw some guy stepping on it while he was sexually harassing some woman at that party. Infuriated, I immediately went over, punched him and broke his nose. No one does that to a woman, not on my watch.
Harry Potter can’t tell the difference between his cooking pot and his best mate.
They're both cauldron.
Yesterday, I was washing the car with my son.
He said: "dad, can't you just use a sponge?"
How do you know a redditor has left a hotel?
Username checks out
Me: Dad, am I adopted?
Dad: No, why would I pick you?
A mentor of mine once told me
that a great way to let go of your anger is to write letters to people you hate and then burn them. Well, I did that and I feel much, much better, but I'm not sure what to do with all these letters.
Last year, my friend told me he’s quitting his job to pursue a miming career.
I haven’t heard from him since.
How would you define propaganda?
When a British person gets a really good look at something.
How does Darth Vader like his toast?
On the dark side… This joke was a little forced.
It wasn’t until I slapped the statue’s ass.
That I realized I had hit rock bottom
My wife left me because I am insecure
No wait, she's back. She just went to get coffee.
What’s the difference between a garbanzo bean and a chick pea?
I’ve never had a garbanzo bean on my face before.