Why is dark spelt with a K and not a C?
Because you can’t C in the dark.
Judge: Who the hell are you? You are not even in this trial. Me: I know. I just want it on the record.
Apparently my property line isn’t where I thought
Boy: A chair, haha, nice try gran- Grandpa – it's your dog. He's dead Jimmy.
The doctor says it's terminal
I met a guy who was convinced that there were no words in the English language with more syllables than vowels….
I tried to explain to him that he was wrong, but he refused to accept criticism…
"No, the regular kind."
Because everyone knows that if you have a big sub you also need a good set of tweeters.
A lonely lady decided she wanted to find a good husband to spend the rest of her life with so she placed an advert in the paper. It read:
“Looking for a husband, must not beat me, must not chase me around when I’m with my friends, must be good in bed” The next day a gentleman called in reply to the advert and said he would be perfect for her. She thought he sounded nice and polite, so she invited him around for dinner. That evening her date had arrived but was shocked when she opened the door to find a gentleman in a wheelchair with no arms or legs. She said to him “I don’t understand you said you would be perfect for me”. He replied “well I have no arms, so I can’t beat you and I have no legs so I can’t chase you around town. She stuttered and said “yes but I also wanted somebody who’s good in bed” … he winked and said “I rang the doorbell didn’t I”.
He got arrested after the police saw people actually letting him in.
Now I'm in hot water with the Japanese Mafia.
I was in a medieval literature class in college and the professor asked the class, "what can we tell about courtly love." To which I respond, "well, she wasn't much help to Kurt Cobain." No one laughed while I beamed with pride at my joke.
Put an apple logo on your product.
His funeral was very low key
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
Because it is cheaper
Mom: "It's clearly not." Dad: Sits down "It is now!"
I hope he likes them
I have selfish steam issues.
Is it really necessary to ask “Who are you” “How did you get in my room” “Why are you naked”.
but she uses a smoke alarm as a timer.
It’s all in the delivery
“Sorry, my fault.”
How does these four concepts (thermodynamics, thermal radiation, evaporation, and radiation cooling) works together?
Lawyer: "Mickey, you can't divorce Minnie because she is mentally unstable." Mickey: "I didn't say she was unstable… I said she was fucking Goofy."
They were Prime mates.
Tomorrow we begin a 31 day March!
You’d think they’d have concern over it making the world go round. EDIT: Thanks for the silver kind stranger! It’s made my world go round.
I dunno water you drinking?
…and orders everyone a round.
One of them is left leaning, and the other one is right leaning.
The less suicidal people there are
I don't know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day!
I said no, the cars are much faster