Why is grandpa on twitter?
I adopted a goat for my son called Roxanne.
"I wish you'd called me something else," he often says.
A vulture carrying two dead raccoons tries to board an airplane…
The stewardess stops him and says "I'm sorry sir, you're only one carrion per passenger!"
Got a really nice 3 foot ruler today…
I bought it at a Yard sale.
I went to the grocery store.
The sign said "No food or drinks inside" So I went home.
What do you say to a 20 year old with no legs, one eye and no health insurance?
โThank you for your serviceโ
A man tried to sell me a coffin today
I told him that was the last thing I needed.
I went to Legoland last week
People were lined up for blocks
Today is a day to celebrate motherfuckers.
Happy Father's Day!
Cosmetic surgery used to be something that people would be embarrassed to speak about
Now you can talk about Botox and nobody raises an eyebrow.
I heard the woman who wrote Beyblade died today.
Let her RIP.
A Nun and a Priest were crossing the Sahara Desert on a camel.
On the third day out, the camel suddenly dropped dead. After dusting themselves off, the Nun and the Priest surveyed their situation. After a long period of silence, the Priest spoke. 'Well, Sister, this looks pretty grim.' 'I know, Father. In fact, I don't think it likely that we can survive more than a day or two.' 'I agree,' says the Father. 'Sister, since we are unlikely to make it out of here alive, would you do something for me?' 'Anything, Father.' 'I have never seen a woman's breasts, and I was wondering if I might see yours.' 'Well, under the circumstances I don't see that it would do any harm.' The Nun opened her habit and the Priest enjoyed the sight of her shapely breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty. 'Sister, would you mind if I touched them?'… she consented and he fondled them for several minutes. 'Father, could I ask something of you?' 'Yes, Sister?' 'I have never seen a man's penis. Could I see yours?' 'I suppose that would be OK,' the Priest replied lifting his robe. 'Oh Father, may I touch it?' The priest consented and after a few minutes of fondling he was sporting a huge erection. 'Sister, you know that if I insert my penis in the right place, it can give Life.' 'Is that true Father?' 'Yes, it is, Sister.' 'Oh Father, that's wonderful … Stick it in the camel and let's get the hell out of here!'
I want to die like my grandpa did, in his sleep.
Not screaming like the people in the back seat of his car.
A pun walks in and kills 10 people…
Pun in, ten dead.
I just paid $350 for a limousine, but found out it didnt have a driver.
All that money and nothing to chauffeur it.
Why donโt you hear psychiatrists when they go to the bathroom?
The p is silent.
So, this dude was walking down a beach and kicked a lamp, and a magic genie pops out.
The genie gives him the old "you freed me, so I will grant you a wish" thing that genies do. So the guy says "I love riding my motorcycle. I would love to ride it around the world. Can you build a highway that connects the entire world together?" The genie pauses for a moment, and with a look of disappointment tells the guy "while I am in fact a mighty powerful genie, not all wishes can be granted. A wish of that magnitude is impossible. Think of something else". The guy thinks for a moment and says "ya know what Gene? I love reading reddit. One of my favorite subreddits is r/jokes, but all that is there are reposts. Can you get some new material on there for me?" The genie replies "Ok…..so was that a two lane, or four lane highway?"
Itโs crazy how fast milk trucks are driven these days…
One blink and theyโve gone pasteurise.
Apparently thereโs a beef shortage on the rise.
Good news is fast food restaurants shouldnโt be affected.
If you pull a pin from a grenade, how do you put it back in?
Quick answers please.
A blonde was touring a farm…
…and asked the farmer, "Why doesn't that cow over there have horns?" "There are many reasons why a cow doesn't have horns," began the farmer. "Some cows are bred to be hornless. On some cows, the horns come in later. Sometimes, the horns are removed. And on some cows, the horns fall off. That particular cow doesn't have horns because it's a horse."
A man in an interrogation room says โIโm not saying a word without my lawyer present.โ
Cop: You are the lawyer. Lawyer: Exactly, so whereโs my present?
What do you call a snake that is 3.14 meters long
A pithon Happy pi day
I hate trying to please miners.
They're so picky!
What is Homer Simpsons favorite ice cream?
Cookie D'OH!
How much does it cost to park Santaโs sleigh?
Nothing. Itโs on the house.
I was watching Jurassic park the other day…..
…. when I thought "not only does my son have a really stupid name, heยดs also a terrible driver"
A coworker named Celsius recently retired at my work, so they hired a guy named Kelvin to replace him.
He's the new temp. Seems like a cool guy.
What do you call an accusatory reptile?
An allegator
I wanted to tell a yoga joke.
But it was a bit of a stretch.
What do you call a Communist sniper?
A Marx-man
I have some jokes about unemployed people.
But I know they won't work.
[grocery store] Ok, milk…check, eggs…check, tomatoes…check.
โSir, please stop writing separate checks for every single item.โ
What did the atom say when it kept losing electrons?
I really need to keep an ion them.