why is he retweeting his own tweet though
I just saw 10 ants frantically running around my kitchen. I felt bad so I built them a small house.
Now I’m their landlord and I collect rent from my tenants.
I bought myself a first aid kit today.
I thought I would Treat myself.
How many members of a specified demographic does it take to complete a particular task?
A finite quantity. One to complete the specific task and the remainder to act in a manner stereotypical of persons from said demographic.
Two blind pilots enter a plane.
They have sunglasses and white sticks. As the plane starts to move, the passengers are uncomfortable. The plane gains speed, but it stays on the ground. The remaining runway gets smaller and smaller, and the plane is rushing towards a fence. The passengers start shrieking and suddenly the plane lifts, avoiding the fence at the last second. All the passengers calm down, thinking it was a bad joke. In the pilot cabin, the co-pilot turns to the pilot and says : "You know what? One day they're going to scream too late, and we're all going to die."
A man dies and goes to hell. Once there, he finds that there is a different hell for each country, so he tries to seek out the least painful one.
At the door to German Hell, he is told: "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the German devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day." He does not like the sound of that, so he checks out American Hell, Russian Hell and many more. They are all similarly gruesome. However, at Nigerian Hell a long line of people is waiting to get in. Amazed, he asks, "What do they do here?" He is told: "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the Nigerian devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day." "But that's the same as the others," says the man. "Why are so many people waiting to get in?" "Because of the power cuts, the electric chair does not work. The nails were paid for but never supplied, so the bed is comfortable. And the Nigerian devil used to be a civil servant, so he comes in, signs his time sheet and goes back home for private business."
whats the biggest problem while buying a pencil?
2B or not 2B
Before I die, I’m going to eat a whole bag of unpopped popcorn…
That should make the cremation a little more interesting…
My friend started making art out of marijuana…
It’s pretty dope
Why did the man take his Toyota to the ER?
It had Corolla virus
Therapist: your wife says you never buy her flowers.
Husband: to be honest, I didn’t know she sold flowers.
What’s the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms?
Ones a Goodyear. The other is a great year.
Why does the Norway navy have barcodes on all of their ships?
So when they come back to port, they can scandanavian
We thank all the essential employees which is why we decided to cut your wages
https://ift.tt/3fzDfPk
I opened a company selling landmines disguised as prayer mats.
Prophets are going through the roof.
Yesterday I called the suicide hotline, and they didn’t pick up
Way to leave me hanging guys
Why is spiderman so good at comebacks?
Because with great power comes great response ability.
What’s the fastest liquid on earth?
Milk. Its pasteurized before you can see it
A bad workman blames his fools…
EDIT: tools …stupid keyboard…
It’s just as I suspected, someone’s been adding soil to my garden
The plot thickens
2, 4 and 6 tried to defeat 3, 5 and 7
But the odds were against them
Where can you get gas for a $1.49?
Taco Bell.
Yesterday, a beautiful girl asked me if I wanted to watch a movie.
She said, "What movie would you like to see?" I said, “You pick." She said, “You pick." I said, “I don't care. You pick." She said, “Sir, there are people waiting behind you waiting to buy tickets."
It was a boys first day on the pirate ship.
He asked the Pirate Captain. “Why do you have a wooden leg?” The Pirate Captain replied. “Argh. I was swimming in the ocean and a shark bit me leg off so I have this wooden peg to replace what’s gone”. The boy then asked. “Why do you have a hook for a hand?” The Pirate Captain said. “Argh. I was swimming in the ocean and a shark bit me hand off so I have this hook to replace what’s gone”. The boy finally asked. “Why do you have a glass eye?” The Pirate Captain lowered his head slightly and replied. “A grain of sand blew up off the deck and got in me eye”. The boy stood there confused. The Pirate Captain, raising his head back up, said to the boy. “Argh. It was me first day with the hook”.
Engineer and Anti-vaxxer come to the bridge
Anti-vaxxer says to the engineer: Is it safe to cross the bridge? Engineer: It is 99,97% safe to cross that bridge. Anti-vaxxer: I'd rather swim.
I was attacked by 1, 3, 5, 7 and 9.
The odds were against me.
From now on all boomer reaction memes will be removed. (Boomers: Insert laughing here)
This sub is for comics and nothing else. If you have any questions please leave a comment on here.
My wife said “You have a BA, a Masters and a PhD, but you still act like an idiot…”
It was a third degree burn
Son: “Dad I know you’re an English teacher, but can I ask you the date in Roman Numerals?”
Dad: "I think you mean May I"
Two ladies in heaven
1st woman: Hi Wanda! 2nd woman: Ohmigod, Sylvia! How did you die? 1st woman: I froze to death. 2nd woman: How horrible! 1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm and sleepy and finally died a peaceful death. What about you? 2nd woman: I had a massive heart attack. I suspected my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him. But instead I found him all by himself in the den watching TV. 1st woman: So then what happened? 2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman in the house that I started running all over the house looking, I ran up into the attic to search and then down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere in the house. Finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died,. 1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer. We'd both still be alive.
3 vampires are having a competition to prove who’s the most vicious vampire among them.
3 vampires are having a competition to prove who's the most vicious vampire among them. The strongest one started 1st, "watch this," He said as he flies so fast, about 100 miles/hour. After only 10 minutes, he comes back with blood all over his mouth. "what happened?" they asked. "did you see that house over there?" "yes?" "well.. I killed the entire family and sucked the blood dry!" "wow!? fascinating, as expected from the strongest vampire" Then the eldest one takes the next turn "watch and learn," he said as he flies even faster, about 120 miles/hour. After only 5 minutes, he comes back with blood all over his mouth and his neck. "what happened??" they asked. "did you see that village over there?" "ye..yes?" "well.. I killed every last person on that village and sucked the blood dry!" "wow!? magnificent! truly amazing, we can expect no less from the eldest one!" Finally the last turn belongs to the fastest one, "don't blink or you'll miss it" he said as he flies really fast, even faster than the other two, about 140 miles/hour. After only a mere 30 seconds, he comes back with blood all over his mouth, his neck, and his nose. "wh..what happened???" they asked. "did you see that big ass tree over there?" "ye..yes?!" "well.. I didn't"
What’s the difference between a porcupine and a BMW ?
The porcupine has the pricks on the outside.
A lawyer is arrested by the cops
He says: "I refuse to say anything without a lawyer present." Cop: "You are a lawyer." Lawyer: "Exactly, so where is my present?"
