Why is it always Skyrim?
Her (On Tinder): I’m a model on Instagram! What do you do?
Him: I'm a soldier, on Call of Duty.
Why did Ross Geller from Friends drown?
He wasn’t a good Schwimmer.
People say I’m a plagiarist…
Their words, not mine.
Why do men give their jackets to women when they are cold?
No man wants a blowjob from a woman with shaky teeth
Ever since my son started swallowing money
I noticed some real change in him
What does sex and bungee jumping have in common?
The thrill only lasts about 30 seconds,and if the rubber breaks, you're screwed.
A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption
One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named Amal. The other goes to a family in Spain. They name him Juan. Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. He responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal
Sherlock Holmes walks into his house with a basket full of lemons.
Watson asks, "Where did you get so many lemons?" Holmes replies, "A lemon tree, Watson.."
My dad died yesterday.
Now he makes deadjokes.
A woman meets Syd the Stud in a bar.
They talk. They connect. They end up leaving together. They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment she notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft,sweet, cuddly teddy bears. There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears carefully placed in rows, covering the entire wall! It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display. There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf,and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf. She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large collection of Teddy Bears, She is quite impressed by his sensitive side but doesn’t mention this to him. They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after awhile, she finds herself thinking, "Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one! Maybe he could be the future father of my children?’ She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips He responds warmly. They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each other’s clothes and make hot, steamy love. She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she has ever known. After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow. The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly, "Well,how was it?’ The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, and says… . . . . . . . . . "Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf"
A naked woman robbed a bank
Nobody could remember her face
A penguin is driving his car
A penguin is driving his car when he notices that the check engine light is on. He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor. He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first auto shop. After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk. He sees an ice-cream shop and decides that something cold would really hit the spot. He gets a big dish of ice cream and sits down to eat. Having no hands, he makes a real mess trying to eat. After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station and asks the mechanic if he’s found the problem. The mechanic looks up and says “It looks like you blew a seal.” “No no,” the penguin replies, “it’s just vanilla ice cream."
A local barber in my area was arrested for selling drugs.
It blew my mind—I've been his customer for years and I had no idea he was a barber.
There will be a baby boom in 9 months.
And in 2033 we shall witness the rise of the quaranteens!!!
I bought shoes from my drug dealer…
I don't know what he's laced them with but I've been tripping all day.
A guy was admitted to the hospital with 8 plastic horses in his stomach.
His condition is stable now.
I think I had my first dad joke moment
I was driving my daughter (10F) to her dance class. Although we have taken this route countless times before and she never said a word about it before, she did this time and said as she was looking out the window while driving by a particular area, "Why would anyone build a daycare next to a cemetery?" Without thought, I said "I don't know, but I bet their neighbors are quiet" There was a second or two pause and then she said "Daaaaaaad." My chest puffed up with pride for several miles as I thought I had just crossed the line into Dad Jokedom!
I like dating unfit people
But they just never work out
Why can’t Swiss cheese be part of a fat-free diet?
It’s made with hole milk.
Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.
This made him, A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
Two men, Jim and John, are walking their dogs when they pass by a restaurant.
“Let’s go in and get something to eat,” Jim suggests. “We can’t,” responds John. “Don’t you see the sign says No Pets Allowed?” “Oh, that sign?” says Jim. “Don’t worry about it.” Taking out a pair of sunglasses, he walks up to the door. As he tries walking into the restaurant, the host says, “Sorry, no pets allowed.” “Can’t you see?” says Jim. “I am blind. This is my Seeing Eye dog.” “But it’s a Doberman pinscher. Who uses a Doberman pinscher as a Seeing Eye dog?” the host asks. “Oh,” Jim responds, “you must not have heard. This is the latest type of Seeing Eye dog. They do a very good job.” Seeing that it worked, John tries walking in with his Chihuahua. Even before he can open his mouth, the host says, “Don’t tell me that a Chihuahua is the latest type of Seeing Eye dog.” John responds angrily, “You mean they gave me a Chihuahua?”
How does Bono spell “color”?
With or without "u"
The guy sat next to me on the train pulled out a photo of his wife and said, “She’s beautiful, isn’t she?” I said, “If you think she’s beautiful, you should see my girlfriend mate.”
He said, “Why? Is she a stunner?” I said, “No, she’s an optician.”
Did you know the first French fry wasn’t cooked in France?
It was cooked in Greece
My grandfather’s last words were “Pints! Litres! Gallons!”
That spoke volumes.
My life completely changed after I learned Morse Code
Last night, for example, I couldn’t fall asleep because the rain kept telling me to go fuck myself.
At a funeral, a little old man goes up to the grieving widow.
"May I say a word?" Sniffling, the widow agrees. The old man clears his throat, "Plethora" "The widow smiles. "Thanks, that means a lot."
A man is poor so he gets a job at the juice store…
He is so happy with his job and he works very hard all day and all night. He impresses his manager and he soon gets promoted to supervisor. As supervisor, he does a great job keeping watch over the employees and is a great leader. After six months, he has done such a good job he gets promoted to manager. When the man is manager, he remodels the juice store and always makes sure he is the last one to leave the store every night. He is very hard-working and always wears a smile. One day, he catches the attention of the company president, who quickly promotes him to the company Vice President. The man is stunned and continues to demonstrate his work ethic everyday. Two months later, the company president passes away and the man is suddenly promoted to the company president. Years later, the man sits in his chair on the top floor of his company building, overlooking all of his hard work. In the distance, he sees all of his juice stores, each one with a long line out the door. He sees the orange juice line, the grape juice line, the lemonade line, but something was wrong. The man suddenly realized his big mistake. There was no punch line.