why is it always tumblr
Why did the twin elephants have to leave the beach?
They only had a pair of trunks!
What did the shy pebble wish for?
That she was a little boulder.
Why can’t the chameleon change colors?
Because he has an ereptile dysfunction.
Tim asked his bitcoin investing brother
For $10 worth of bitcoin B: $9.34? Why do you need $10.35 of bitcoin? T: I just want to start investing for college? B: Ok, I just sent you $24.39 of bitcoin for you. T: Thanks! Why did you give me more than I asked you for? B: I gave you $15.43, just like you asked. T: Okay, hopefully my $13.86 price will go up. B: No problem, Timmy. $4.31 isn't that much for me.
I was fired from the keyboard factory yesterday
I guess I wasn’t putting in enough shifts
We all know about Murphy’s Law – Anything that can go wrong will go wrong. But have you heard of Cole’s Law?
It’s thinly sliced cabbage.
I took my dog to the lake to day and noticed he floats very well
He’s a good buoy
Never assume what your friends have been up to
Three ducks walk into a bar. Bar man asks the first duck: “What’s your name, and how was your day?” The duck replies: “It’s Huey and it’s been great, I’ve been in and out of puddles all day. Give me a beer, please”. The bar man asks the second duck the same, “It’s Dewey, and I’ve also been in and out of puddles all day. Give me a beer, please”. Finally he turns to the third duck: “so you must be Louie?” “No” she replies, “I'm Puddles. And don’t ask. Just give me a whiskey, neat.”
I asked my welsh friend how many sexual partners he’s had
He started counting but fell asleep.
A cow got into the marijuana field…
Now the steaks are high.
How do mathematicians get rid of constipation?
They work it out with a pencil.
Will glass coffins become popular?
Remains to be seen
what do you call a dog that can do magic tricks?
a labracadabrador
My wife asked if she could have some peace and quiet while she tried to cook dinner
So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm
A woman who is 3 months pregnant falls into a deep coma.
6 months later, she awakes and asks the doctor about her baby. Doc: You had twins, a boy and a girl. They are both fine. Luckily, your brother named them for you! Woman: Oh god no, not my brother. He is an idiot! What did he name the girl? Doc: Denise. Woman: Well, that is not so bad. What did he call the boy? Doc: Denephew.
Someone’s been adding soil to my garden…
The plot thickens.
Why don’t you see brown envelopes in the mail anymore?
Because everyone knows white mails get through the system faster.
Condom expiration dates are a little misleading
because I get sick no matter when I eat them.
In the past, the poor had horses and the rich had cars. Now, the poor have cars and only the rich have horses.
Oh how the stables have turned.
All countries will get the corona virus eventually…
China just got it right off the bat…
Why don’t chinese kids believe in Santa Claus?
Because they make the toys.
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
AYE MATEYYY
A man is in the hospital wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth.
"Nurse" he mumbles. "Are my testicles black?" The nurse lifts up his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other…she takes a close look and says "There's nothing wrong with them, sir." The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly "Thanks for that, it was lovely, but listen very carefully: Are my test results back?"
I’ve run out of toilet paper and started using old newspapers instead
The times are rough
Her: I’m pregnant.
Me: Are you kidding?? Her: Technically, Yes.
Trump, Clinton, Obama, and Bush each ran a mile.
Trump made a time of 11:56 Clinton was slightly faster, timing at 11:31 Obama was very fast, he ran a 10:03 But Bush did 9:11
Student: Can I borrow a pencil?
Teacher: I don't know, can you borrow a pencil? Student: Aha, but I clearly meant to ask for permission. Since you and the rest of the class understood my intent perfectly well, and the word "may" to show permission is rapidly falling out of fashion, there is nothing wrong with asking you whether I can borrow a pencil. Teacher: Possibly so, in colloquial speech. Discerning context can help us decipher the nuance of each sentence on a case-by-case basis. However, as your teacher, my task is to teach you the intricacies and nuances of the English language with rigor, so that you may have a greater mastery of the language in order to effectively and precisely control what you want to communicate. In this case, the difference between the words "can" and "may". Student: Point taken. May I borrow a pencil? Teacher: No, you may not. The state cut funding for education again.
What do you call a colour that doesn’t exist?
A pigment of your imagination