Why is it unwise to share your secrets with a clock?
Time will tell.
An Irishman walls into a bar in Dublin..
orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender approaches and tells him, “You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it, and it would taste better if you bought one at a time.” The Irishman replies, well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other is in Australia, and I’m in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we’d drink this way to remember the days we drank together. So I drink one for each o’me brothers and one for me self.” The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: He orders three pints and drinks them in turn. One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, “I don’t want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss.” The Irishman looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns and he laughs. “Oh, no, everybody’s just fine,” he explains, “It’s just that my wife had us join that Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking. But it hasn’t affected me brothers though.”
Talking to god
So this man is talking to God and he says: “God, is it true that a million years is like a second to you?” Then God says: “Yes. A million years is like a second to me.” Then the man says: “So if a million years is like a second to you, is it true that a million dollars is like a penny for you?” Then God said: “Yes. A million dollars is like a penny to me.” So the man says: “God, can I please have a penny?” Then God says: “Yeah just give me a second.”
I am giving up drinking alcohol for the month of February.
edit: I am giving up. Drinking alcohol for the month of February.
A man and his wife are at a restaurant…
The wife leaves for the bathroom and a short while later the waiter arrives. 'what would you like sir?' he asks. 'I'll have the steak, but my wife is using the restroom at the minute', the man replies. 'oh, well, do you know what she's having?' The man replies, 'well it's been about 10 minutes so I'd say a shit'
“Mom I have started dating our neighbour…”
"Anders?! But honey, he could be your father!" says mom. Daughter replies "Mom, age is just a number!" "I wasn't talking about his age!"
If a blind girl says you have a big penis.
She’s probably just pulling your leg.
Yes, I have aids
I have a phone, a laptop and a few chairs
[Warning]: 18+
19.
I told my teenage niece to go get me a phone book…
She laughed at me, and said "Oh uncle you're so old. Just use my phone." So I slammed her phone against the wall to kill a spider.
A black kid pulls the flour over his head.
A black kid walks into the kitchen where his mother is baking and accidentally pulls the flour over onto his head. He turns to his mother and says, "Look Mama, I'm a white boy!" His mother smacks him and says, "Go to your Daddy and say wbat you just said!" The boy finds his father and says, "Look Daddy, I'm a white boy!" His Daddy bends him over, spanks him, stands the boy back up, and says, "Now what do you have to say about yourself?" The boy replies, "I've only been a white boy for five minutes and I already hate you black people!"
I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me 😁
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My son told me my grammar was good.
He meant well.
How do you make pirate furious?
Remove the p
I saw a frenchmen playing a Wii.
He called it a Yes Box.
A haiku about corona virus
I am so bored I have too much toilet paper I need a ventilator
A rope walks into a bar. The bartender looks up and says says, “Get out. We don’t serve rope in here.” So the rope goes out, cuts itself in two before tying the two sections together. It then pulls out a comb and combs its ends. The rope then walks back into the bar.
The bartender says, “Hey! Aren’t you the rope that I just threw out?” The rope replied, “No. I’m a frayed knot.”
A good mom let’s you lick the batter off the mixer.
A great mom turns off the mixer first.
The President of the United States saves the economy from the COVID-19 slowdown.
https://ift.tt/3ac8Pj8
I was going to be a history teacher.
But I don't like living in the past.
How much does it cost to ride Santa’s sleigh?
About eight bucks, nine during bad weather.
My friend’s girlfriend is pregnant, and he is thinking of a name for the past few weeks.
Finally he decided on Carlos and ran away to Mexico.
I‘ve been trying to open the bra of my girlfriend for 20 minutes now…
I wish I had never put it on.
Someone just complimented my wife and told her that she and our daughter looked like twins.
I said, “Well, they were separated at birth.”
All of my friends have such expansive bucket lists, but mine…
…is just a little pail in comparison.
Me: Hi! Do you take walk-ins?
Cremator: What
An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow." The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained. "Well, doc, it's like this–first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing." The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?" The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."
A lawyer is arrested by the cops
He says: "I refuse to say anything without a lawyer present." Cop: "You are a lawyer." Lawyer: "Exactly, so where is my present?"
How Long is a Chinese name.
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We all know Albert Einstein was a great man…
… but his brother Frank was a monster.
