Why is my son make clapping noises in his room
I said, “What’s going on?” “You tell me?” replied my wife. I said, “I don’t know, you’re sitting on the sofa with a stranger.” “A stranger, hey?” shouted my girlfriend, “I’m no stranger, we’ve been having sex for six months!” I looked at my wife and said, “Is this true?”
Or are we still just washing our hands?
The Eyeful Tower. …ok, that one was bad. Paris-itic, even.
The ceremony wasn’t much but the reception was amazing
I love a protagonist with a twisted back story.
In a statement he said his palms were sweaty knees weak arms were heavy and presented to the emergency room the vomit on his sweater already .Later tests conclude it was in fact moms spaghetti
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it's not hard.
… guess you could say he sleighed it
They’re too easy a target, and aimed at a very young audience..
sadly it was a Type-O
It May, Fri 10 you
they don't know how to spell congrajlashins.
But I will recover.
It’s a Loki event.
He said, “When I want your fucking advice, I’ll ask for it.”
But it's just a hunch.
It’s my light saber
While riding my Harley, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head.
Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful woman who asked, "Are you okay"? As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low-cut blouse with cleavage to die for… "I'm okay I think," I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look. She said, "Get in and I'll take you home, so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head." "That's nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife will like me doing that!" "Oh, come now, I'm a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly." Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this." We arrived at her place which was just few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better, but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now." "Don't be silly!", she said with a smile. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?" "Still in the ditch, I guess."
Because he had loads to do.
Arse skin for a friend.
She said something about 'waiting until they're born'
I poisoned his milk but he found out and killed my dad.
He was done for possession of coke.
Can't believe I've spent all that money and I have nothing to chauffeur it…
In the morning he was brought before their chief, who said "You invade our land white man, and we going to kill you. But, it is our tribe's custom to grant the condemned three wishes, one each morning for three days, before we kill you at sundown on the third day. So, white man, what do you want for your first wish?" "Just bring me my horse," the cowboy answered. They brought him his horse, he whispered in the horse's ear, slapped him on the butt and sent him off. That evening, the horse came back with a beautiful blonde woman riding. The cowboy went with her into a teepee, and the Indians grumbled "Typical white man, can only think of sex…" The next morning, the cowboy was brought to the chief again. "Today you get second wish, what should we do for you?" "Just bring me my horse." Again, the cowboy whispered to the horse and sent him off. That evening the horse returned with a redhead. As she and the cowboy entered the teepee, the Indians were facepalming again at the condemned white man who only wanted sex. On the third morning, the chief said "Well, white man, tonight at sundown you die. What do you want for your last wish?" "Just bring me my horse." With a sigh, the chief beckoned for the horse to be brought forth. The cowboy grabbed the horse's ear with both hands, and yelled into it: "POSSE! P-O-S-S-E!"
I shouted, "Even better, I know the whole alphabet!" Everyone laughed… Well, everyone except this one guy.
No pun in ten did.
Now I just need to work out if that's my wife or my girlfriend.
My dad (67) just sent this to me. It’s literally a dad joke. Some of us might not get it though I’m sure.
What does the Pink Panther say when he knocked over an ant hill? Dead ant… dead ant… dead ant dead ant dead ant… dead ant dead ant….
Later they split up, man says, I want my fucking blood back, wife throws a tampon at him and says I'll pay monthly.
Such a relief when they said it was just a bank robbery.
Because then it would be a foot.
On the other hand, everything is OK